"Crying For ME" by Toby Keith

The song at my son's Kenny's memorial service on Jan 2, 2010 was "Crying for Me" by Toby Keith.  It really says it all about what we are feeling.  The thing is our children that were in pain are now safe no pain, what we are feeling and crying about is for us.  Crying that we won't talk to them, crying for what they have or would have gotten to do in their life, just crying for the person who should have lived.  It's such a sad and beautiful song.  The first time I heard it was at Ken's memorial, his brother Shawn had brought it with him(bless his heart)and the next time I heard it we were at Burger King with my 8 year old granddaughter.  She worries so much about me.  She had come to spend the weekend.  I had my husband take her with him to the motor home, I needed to talk and cry.  When they got back  I was on the phone with my sister, crying.  She walked in and I tried to hide the tears.  She went on talking to me telling me about the Motor Home and then back to the Living Room.  Later that day, she says "Grandma, when you were crying earlier, were you crying about Kenny."  I said "yes"  She said "I thought so" with the most beautiful look on her face.  She is so caring, notices everything, so tender.  She has always been that way.  Later we took her to eat and the song came on, I could barely hear it but it caught my ear and I was like staring in space and she thinks something is wrong, I could hear her go Grandma, Grandma, then I responded and said yes Rylie, she asked if I was okay, I said yes and I think that is the song they did at Ken's memorial, she listened for a sec and said "YES it is".  How can you beat a granddaughter like that, of course she takes after her dad my other son Brent.  Even though I have lost Kenny I am still the luckiest mom and grandma and great grand ma around.
To my son Kenny on your 5th month in Heaven:
Oh sweetheart mom's heart aches for you.  I love and miss you so much.  I miss that smile, I miss our talks about the phones and Sprint, I miss when you could hardly make out a word cause of that stupid cancer seeing the bright look in you eye when you saw my Pepsi and I knew you wanted it.  Everyday after that I took you one, of course you knew that.  I miss you reaching out your hand to me to tell me you love me.  I miss holding hands as you lay in bed not able to talk or walk just you and me holding hands, mom just miss everything about you.  You You Kenny are so much to be proud of.  You know you are the big reason for me and you step-dad going to church, you knew I would never turn my back on God, but you also knew Fred needed God in his life.   He has stated so many times how much your life meant to him, how you served God, and what an example you were even in your horrible pain you went through those last 2 years 20 days.  Oh, Ken if I could have fixed you I would have.  I would have given my life for you. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that one day again we will hold hands and we will tell each other how much we love each other.  Kenny, thanks for much for being with me during my surgery this past 2 weeks, you were there in the room with me, it was so wonderful, of course you know that you were there.  Kenny thank God for allowing me to be your mom, for letting me borrow you those short 45 years.  I look at your baby pictures and I see those big blue eyes, chubby cheeks and that beautiful smile, I see you when you turned sixteen and we bought you the car and remember it broke down on the way home from Lakeland and I stepped in the fire ant hill, we weren't use to them.  I can see you as you walk down the aisle on your wedding day and then when Pam was born how proud you were, then Bethany, then Woody and when Morgan came along you were so proud of that granddaughter.  So many things Ken I could go on and on, like the day you called to tell me you were going to start singing in the choir at church and we would visit and at the church in Daytona, I would just sit there and YOU were the only one I could see in that choir, then the day you called me and told me you decided to follow God's calling and go into the Ministry, when you called and read me your first sermon "Can you Hear Me Know"  Oh it was so good.  Kenny you were so good.  Of course you had your ways, you me fighting over you playing the horn in school, we were just two kids growing up together.  Then all the advice you would give me whether I wanted it or not, Kenny you, your brothers are the most important thing to me.  God first as you did, family second.  I just wanted to write you a letter today and say I LOVE YOU!!!I MISS YOU, YOU KEEP ON BE THAT SHINNING STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOVE MOM
P.S.  Mom will write again, but you know that already you know mom Love you baby.