Crying at the drop of a hat
Hi guys,
Well, the world did not come to an end.
What happened to me was I woke at about 1am 22nd December 2012 with a feeling of calmness and thankfulness that I hadn't felt before.
Dealing with chronic mental health issues all my life has had its tolls on me.
Now I just feel "released" - I can't explain it. I just feel so "unburdened".
Today I went along to Stepping Stone Clubhouse to work on their website. Its a group for people with mental health issues - a world wide organisation.
I have only been a member for a week, so I didn't know that on weekends they have outings. Today they were driving to Talabugera - near the New South Wales border to go to the beach. They were going to take one of the vans and a car.
I had prepared myself to sit in the airconditioning of the Clubhouse all day. I had negotiated the quieter traffic in Brisbane using my Garmin GPS. And when I arrived they were all excited about leaving the 'safety' of the Clubhouse to drive over an hour south.
I had not been even to the Gold Coast - 70km south of Brisbane - for well over 17 years.
I don't know or understand why, but I began to cry. I sobbed for about 15 minutes with two of the staff members talking me through my anxiety attack.
I was afraid.
What was there to be afraid of?
What if there weren't enough seats in the bus and I have to go through the rejection of being excluded - or worse - someone choosing not to go so I can go, pretending they had other things to do.
I cried because I don't like the unknown.
I cried because I hadn't been to the Gold Coast since I was there with my now ex-partner and still good friend, Andrew Baker, 17 years ago, when he was applying for a job - but got screwed over - we'd wasted the entire trip from Maryborough and stayed overnight - 17 years ago - because the interviewer hadn't told Andrew over the phone it was just a Commission Based job. So that had left a very bad taste in our mouths.
I cried because I didn't know what I was going to do there.
"Hey, just relax. Enjoy yourself at the beach, dude!"
Unfortunately that wasn't the way I brought up. Every action, every event, every thing I do has to have a purpose - otherwise why do it?
I moved to Brisbane to break that programming and here - today - was my first chance to break that barrier to my happiness and contentment as an adult - as a human being - and I was scared.
The two women calmed me down. Left it up to me to make the decision as to what I wanted to do. I chose to go with them to the beach at Talabugera.
Well, I had a wonderful time. I travelled in the car with one of the team members who helped me and a female participant.
We had fish and chips by the beach, the breeze was cool, the guys were hot... lots of "yummy daddies" ;)
Then we drove the hour or so back to the Clubhouse.
I synced my BlackBerry to the Bluetooth of the car radio and we listened to lots of my favourite music - Pink, Aqua, Cher, Kylie etc. Singing and jigging along... perving on some hot guys in cars - getting quite a few nice smiles too!
Well, it turned out to be a great day anyway. I faced my fears - whatever they were - and got through it and enjoyed myself.
This New Years Eve - at 23:30 will mark 14 years since my Mum passed away, and I miss her.
I've cried a lot today. The tears come so easily now - not like they usually have done.
Its almost as though a dam that has protected me from my emotions has been removed. I am allowing - permitting myself to emote and be real. Being afraid is not a bad thing - letting fear paralyse you from taking action to improve your life is a bad thing.
I promised myself when I came down to Brisbane that I would seek out help to deal with my Mental Health Issues, make friends and have some fun.
It goes to show, be careful what you ask for - you may very well get it. :)
Dave
Well, the world did not come to an end.
What happened to me was I woke at about 1am 22nd December 2012 with a feeling of calmness and thankfulness that I hadn't felt before.
Dealing with chronic mental health issues all my life has had its tolls on me.
Now I just feel "released" - I can't explain it. I just feel so "unburdened".
Today I went along to Stepping Stone Clubhouse to work on their website. Its a group for people with mental health issues - a world wide organisation.
I have only been a member for a week, so I didn't know that on weekends they have outings. Today they were driving to Talabugera - near the New South Wales border to go to the beach. They were going to take one of the vans and a car.
I had prepared myself to sit in the airconditioning of the Clubhouse all day. I had negotiated the quieter traffic in Brisbane using my Garmin GPS. And when I arrived they were all excited about leaving the 'safety' of the Clubhouse to drive over an hour south.
I had not been even to the Gold Coast - 70km south of Brisbane - for well over 17 years.
I don't know or understand why, but I began to cry. I sobbed for about 15 minutes with two of the staff members talking me through my anxiety attack.
I was afraid.
What was there to be afraid of?
What if there weren't enough seats in the bus and I have to go through the rejection of being excluded - or worse - someone choosing not to go so I can go, pretending they had other things to do.
I cried because I don't like the unknown.
I cried because I hadn't been to the Gold Coast since I was there with my now ex-partner and still good friend, Andrew Baker, 17 years ago, when he was applying for a job - but got screwed over - we'd wasted the entire trip from Maryborough and stayed overnight - 17 years ago - because the interviewer hadn't told Andrew over the phone it was just a Commission Based job. So that had left a very bad taste in our mouths.
I cried because I didn't know what I was going to do there.
"Hey, just relax. Enjoy yourself at the beach, dude!"
Unfortunately that wasn't the way I brought up. Every action, every event, every thing I do has to have a purpose - otherwise why do it?
I moved to Brisbane to break that programming and here - today - was my first chance to break that barrier to my happiness and contentment as an adult - as a human being - and I was scared.
The two women calmed me down. Left it up to me to make the decision as to what I wanted to do. I chose to go with them to the beach at Talabugera.
Well, I had a wonderful time. I travelled in the car with one of the team members who helped me and a female participant.
We had fish and chips by the beach, the breeze was cool, the guys were hot... lots of "yummy daddies" ;)
Then we drove the hour or so back to the Clubhouse.
I synced my BlackBerry to the Bluetooth of the car radio and we listened to lots of my favourite music - Pink, Aqua, Cher, Kylie etc. Singing and jigging along... perving on some hot guys in cars - getting quite a few nice smiles too!
Well, it turned out to be a great day anyway. I faced my fears - whatever they were - and got through it and enjoyed myself.
This New Years Eve - at 23:30 will mark 14 years since my Mum passed away, and I miss her.
I've cried a lot today. The tears come so easily now - not like they usually have done.
Its almost as though a dam that has protected me from my emotions has been removed. I am allowing - permitting myself to emote and be real. Being afraid is not a bad thing - letting fear paralyse you from taking action to improve your life is a bad thing.
I promised myself when I came down to Brisbane that I would seek out help to deal with my Mental Health Issues, make friends and have some fun.
It goes to show, be careful what you ask for - you may very well get it. :)
Dave
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