Crying again

I am crying again. I just can't stand not being able to reach my children. I know they are grown up(18 &20)but I have never gotten to say good bye to them. I couldn't even if  I did have the chance. My children meant everything to me and I thought they loved me in return. I can't get this computer to work right. Just like I can't make my life work right. I know how they should be, but I can't quite get there. Why do my kids do this to me??? Why do I let them do this to me?? There is a part of me that knows I should just forget them, but the other part can't bear to think they are gone. Why did this happen to me? what did I do to deserve this? I have to figure it out, so others don't have to go through what I am going through. I shouldn't have to be alone. I shouldn't have to be punished like this. But it continues. I guess I am tired and should just go to bed, but I will just keep thinking of them and trying to figure out what I have done wrong. I will continue to cry. I know tomorrow is a new day, but so what? I will still be exactly where I have been for the past 3 years. No where and Nobody.