Cryday

Dearest,
            One year ago today, I spent the day pacing the halls of Lenox Hill Hospital. Worried about you, scared that I might lose you, frustrated in my impotence. You underwent twelve hours of surgery. About eight in the evening the Dr. came out and pronounced the surgery an unmitigated success. He pronounced you “cancer free. I went into the recovery room to visit just a bit. I told you the news and held your hand. You started to cry, I told you not to cry, not to be upset, and I felt so guilty for making you upset.
            Today I have been remembering, nay, reliving, the events of that day. I have been weepy and sad , distracted and lonely. I had a vivid dream during my nap, you were in it but I don’t remember much about your part. What I do remember is that the answer was at the bottom of the computer screen. I awoke before I could read it. In a panic I rushed to the computer and examined the screen in detail. There was no answer there, what was the question?
            I have been anxious and distraught all day, as if I’d forgotten something, missed something, neglected to do something. What have I forgotten?
            In the recovery room I held your hand and told you not to cry, there is no recovery room for me, no one to hold my hand and tell me not to cry.
 
Your Ken

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

We are here for you. I know it is tough without our loved ones. they will always be a part of us...it is just not easy having them by our side and being able ot see them everyday. Some days will be better than others, it just takes time. Sending you a hug, Renee\'
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken, We are together on this rough journey. You are not alone, my friend.
If you want, I will tell you not to cry.... there is hope for a brighter day at the end of this grief tunnel. But, cry anytime you want to..... I sure do.
Hugs, Linda
janalM
janalM

Ken I am so sorry that you are feeling this distracted. Looking back and the \" what if\'s \" can really be hard. We feel we should have done something differently to may be a different out come. Don\'t be so hard on yourself, all of us cry and we need to. Watch out, more snow is on the way. Jane
pathoflife
pathoflife

Ken,

I hope you will consider DS as your recovery room. You were so tender to your beloved Abby; it was moving to read your entry. We walk this path together and comfort one another with our concerned comments. The internet has many pros and cons, but how wonderful to have a site such as this and be part of a compassionate community who knows by experience how you\'re feeling. Blessings to you as you continue on this journey, striving for that light at the end of the tunnel. TJ
bostonjules
bostonjules

ken - I so get it. your heart was so hurting today, even a innocent nap was a distressing experience. What a horrible anniversary! I\'m so sorry for your pain and hope tomorrow\'s a better day for you. hugs for you, ken! jules
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken,
I\'m not going to tell you not to cry. You just cry. Cry until you can\'t cry anymore. I\'m sorry, but I think that\'s the only way to push through. We all will hold your hand.
Linda
swindy
swindy

Ken, We are all holding your hand here at DS. Your love for your dear Abby is inspiring to all of us and we all hurt with you. Diane
lovelos
lovelos

Ken, I am so sorry that our losses have caused us so much pain. You obviously had a very special love and a piece of that will always be with you. My thoughts are with you as we move through this terrible journey. Lu Ann
ciegee
ciegee

Ken,
We are all here with you and understand. Nope no recovery room but friends who care and feel your pain.
Hugs,
Cie
songsofthenight
songsofthenight

hello Ken...ditto what everyone else has said, hands across DS are holding your hand, mine included...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...hugs, Sandi