Cry damn it

Cry damn it cry!!! I feel it bubbling on the surface, waiting to break free.  But chained like everything else in me.  How can you feel alive and dead at the same time?  I was convinced early in life by many lies.  But how do I embrace the truth, when I believe the lies, but at the same feel joy to be alive and with my family?  I feel like two different people. No not mutiple personality.  I know who I am.  Well rambling so by for now.  God Bless, Sean