Crushed
So I waited and waited all afternoon on Thursday by the phone, DH started to say it must be bad news if they're not hurrying to ring you, and I still had no idea, what the result might be right up until the minute I answered the call and she said she was so sorry to tell me the test was negative. I was knocked sideways. I honestly didn't think I was pregnant but I didn't know I wasn't either I was completely clueless.
I prepped myself for this bad news so many times in so many ways over the past 2 weeks, and before then even, and I thought I knew exactly how I would feel but none of that prepared me for how it actually felt.
I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, the first thing I said after I hung up the phone and DH had obviously gathered it hadn't worked, was "I'm Sorry" I felt like I had let him down so much, I wanted so much to give him this, he has had a chequered past and lots of brushes with the law etc. and he has finally pulled himself together and changed his life and he deserves to have a child so much, and although logically I know this is not my fault, It is because of me that we are here on this road. It is my body that doesn't work, and still isn't working!!
The other feeling I wasn't prepared for was the sudden fear that this may be it forever, it may just be one defeat after another and I still may never hold my own baby in my womb let alone my arms.
Everything seemed so positive and with my age and the fact that my only issue is my blocked/removed tubes I really deep down must have felt like my chances were good. So now with this BFN I am left thinking, WHY?? what did I do wrong what should I have done what shouldn't I, why would it work the next time if it didn't this time?? SO all week I was telling myself I still have 2 embryos in the freezer if it doesn't work, now I am feeling like my chances are all but run out because if this one didn't work, chances are nor will the next ones?
I am freaking out about what it means for having a second child one day. I know i'm getting ahead of myself but I had always hoped for 2 children. DH always tells me to worry about one first but the thing is, here in NZ we are lucky enough that we get two cylces funded for us by the government (unless the first cycle results in a baby, then you can only use any remaining embryos) My partner has only ever wanted one child anyway and has already said if we don't get a baby from the funded cycles he doesn't want to start throwing money at it when the odds are clearly stacked against us!!
SO basically with 2 embryos in the freezer, my only hope of a sibling for any baby I may "god willing" end up with is if both the remaining embryos are a success, or if both of them fail and I have a new cycle and get some more freezer babies????
I know it must sound silly to you all to think DH isn't willing to pay when in America you guys spend huge money for your families. But I see what he means, if we have failed on all attempts by then, then we are just gambling our money on pretty bad odds!!! Plus we don't really have that money to be spending on an illusive dream!!
Obviously my mind is doing overtime and I am extremely sad about this loss, but after a good nights sleep and a lot of tears I am coming to terms with it, I feel a little bit silly that I ever thought it would work first time, I guess I was just hoping I wouldn't have to join the list of long term IF'ers. The clinic says I can call the clinic with my very next day one but seeing as it looks like that will be tomorrow at this rate, plus I am due to act as manager at work for the next 6.5 weeks I think I will wait for the cycle afterwards.
It seems to me that nature is so cruel to follow such horrible news as this with a horrible heavy period, but once i'm through that I guess I'll be ready to try again. I have very little hope left though!!!
Sorry its so long!!! xxx
I prepped myself for this bad news so many times in so many ways over the past 2 weeks, and before then even, and I thought I knew exactly how I would feel but none of that prepared me for how it actually felt.
I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, the first thing I said after I hung up the phone and DH had obviously gathered it hadn't worked, was "I'm Sorry" I felt like I had let him down so much, I wanted so much to give him this, he has had a chequered past and lots of brushes with the law etc. and he has finally pulled himself together and changed his life and he deserves to have a child so much, and although logically I know this is not my fault, It is because of me that we are here on this road. It is my body that doesn't work, and still isn't working!!
The other feeling I wasn't prepared for was the sudden fear that this may be it forever, it may just be one defeat after another and I still may never hold my own baby in my womb let alone my arms.
Everything seemed so positive and with my age and the fact that my only issue is my blocked/removed tubes I really deep down must have felt like my chances were good. So now with this BFN I am left thinking, WHY?? what did I do wrong what should I have done what shouldn't I, why would it work the next time if it didn't this time?? SO all week I was telling myself I still have 2 embryos in the freezer if it doesn't work, now I am feeling like my chances are all but run out because if this one didn't work, chances are nor will the next ones?
I am freaking out about what it means for having a second child one day. I know i'm getting ahead of myself but I had always hoped for 2 children. DH always tells me to worry about one first but the thing is, here in NZ we are lucky enough that we get two cylces funded for us by the government (unless the first cycle results in a baby, then you can only use any remaining embryos) My partner has only ever wanted one child anyway and has already said if we don't get a baby from the funded cycles he doesn't want to start throwing money at it when the odds are clearly stacked against us!!
SO basically with 2 embryos in the freezer, my only hope of a sibling for any baby I may "god willing" end up with is if both the remaining embryos are a success, or if both of them fail and I have a new cycle and get some more freezer babies????
I know it must sound silly to you all to think DH isn't willing to pay when in America you guys spend huge money for your families. But I see what he means, if we have failed on all attempts by then, then we are just gambling our money on pretty bad odds!!! Plus we don't really have that money to be spending on an illusive dream!!
Obviously my mind is doing overtime and I am extremely sad about this loss, but after a good nights sleep and a lot of tears I am coming to terms with it, I feel a little bit silly that I ever thought it would work first time, I guess I was just hoping I wouldn't have to join the list of long term IF'ers. The clinic says I can call the clinic with my very next day one but seeing as it looks like that will be tomorrow at this rate, plus I am due to act as manager at work for the next 6.5 weeks I think I will wait for the cycle afterwards.
It seems to me that nature is so cruel to follow such horrible news as this with a horrible heavy period, but once i'm through that I guess I'll be ready to try again. I have very little hope left though!!!
Sorry its so long!!! xxx
Replies
My heart hurts for you. I know how badly you wanted this. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I know you know this, but it must be so hard to really believe it when your heart is broken. I think it\'s smart to take a month to regroup and then decide what to do next. Whatever you decide to do, I\'ll be here to cheer you on :)
Ugh I\'m so so sorry. I\'m thinking of you and praying for you. You did nothing wrong. Take your time and grieve over this cycle. I have hope for you still honey. Xo
I\'m so sorry hun. I think you are right to take the time to do what you feel is right but know that we are all here for you to lean on. Lots of hugs to you and DH!
I have seen a number of your updates over the previous weeks and I want to tell you that I am feeling crushed FOR you :( I am so sorry. I can understand how defeating this felt.
I don\'t have firsthand experience with IVF but I know there are women who do successfully get their bfps through IVF but just unfortunately not always on the first try :(
Not that anyone wants to have to go to a 2nd try, etc.
I know it may feel hopeless......because everything seemed so right. But that hopelessness is just a present moment feeling and not a predictor of the future.
I know how exhausting it is to try and try and dust yourself off and rebuild.
I am so sorry you are feeling this anguish. And as I read your journal I felt like I went through the emotions and thoughts right along with you.
Like you said, take the time to take care of you to regroup and go from there.
Aww honey I\'m so sorry that this didn\'t work! Don\'t lose hope please don\'t! I am exactly like you in that I have tubal issues and had one removed and one repaired. I\'m 29 and have no other issues besides my tubes and my husbands all good. I did a fresh cycle in Nov and it resulted in a BFN. Then I jumped into a FET in Dec transferred 2 perfect embryos and only one took. Sadly the pregnancy ended early but I jumped into a 2nd FET this month and have my transfer this Wednesday. I am staying positive and know it will work I just don\'t know when. There could be any reason why it didn\'t work so don\'t drive yourself crazy thinking about it. You\'ll start to feel better in a few days and ready to try again. The first few days are always the hardest after a BFN. Feel better soon !
Thanks for all your kind words, they are so important to me, I know wht I am going through is nothing new and nothing in comparison to what some of you women have gone through, I just honestly didn\'t expect to feel quite so negative about trying again! A BFN really takes it out of you!!
I\'m so sorry you\'re having to go through all these thoughts, and worries. It\'s not fair that some of us have to think of these unanswerable and ridiculously difficult questions, because life hasn\'t given you the path you, and all of us, shouldn\'t have been denied. I think for now, however, concentrate on yourself, don\'t get ahead of yourself, take things step by step. Right now concentrate on getting yourself back to physical, and mental health. Getting a BFN knocks the stuffing out of you, and it does take some time, strength, and lots of courage, to get back in the saddle to go again. It\'s shitty right now, as you\'re still going through the physical part of it, but in a few weeks, you will start to feel better, and can look to trying again with your remaining embies. I know it sounds so callous and matter of fact, but it is just one of those things. You didn\'t do anything wrong, just unfortunately, this time, mother nature didn\'t work in your favour. That\'s not to say next time she will. You have to believe it can work, and will. You will get there hun, keep strong, keep believing. We\'re all here for you xx
Oh that is so sad! It was horrible for me when my first IVF failed and so I can feel your pain. I had those same emotions of loss and failure and I think I even apologised too!! Anyway, there is no rhyme or reason why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn\'t. I would just try again when you are ready and be happy you have some frozens. I know a lady who only ever had one embryo at the end of her IVF cycle and ended up doing 4 rounds of IVF before she managed to get a baby because of this. Anyway, at least you have another two tries and if you are like me and the 2nd one works then you have one in the freezer for the sibling!! Good luck and try and take it one day at a time:-)
So sorry again Nedico. My heart broke for you when I read your updated status last week. I know a girl on this site that had to do several FET\'s before she got her miracle baby. In fact, she had to talk to her RE to grow the embryo\'s out to day 5 to see which ones would make it. Of the 3 embryo\'s left, only 1 made it and that 1 was her miracle. I hope and pray you can find some comfort and peace during this hard time. You are awesome Nedico and honestly you are a source of strength for me and I am sure for many others. HUGS :-)
Sorry to comment backwards... I\'ve been offline a few days.
I\'m so sorry you had to go through this. I understand the issue with not being able to spend the money on IVF after your funding runs out. It\'s a lot of money! My hubby and I will spend it, but not till we save it first. We aren\'t sure how we could raise a baby with no money left. It\'s a real concern. I hope that either way it works to your advantage and I\'m thinking of you.