Crossroads
Again I find myself astonished at how a shift so subtle as another name for ^it^ can change my thought patterns. In my personal understanding of the Brain Plasticity theories, those thought patterns can also be called, "Neural Pathways." My current theory is that a new name for ^it^ is something like plugging different words into my computer's search engines. The different words will net different search results.
In this case, "Crossroads" is an old name for ^it^. At the time of the nearly successful suicide attempt which started my formal therapy in 1972 and for I don't know how many decades after, each of the changes in my life were called, "Crossroads." The crossroad which triggered my suicide attempt was HS graduation. The HS graduation I missed because I was busy surviving the throw-away kid camps. I amnae certain how or when they became, "Transitions." Thinking on ^it^ this morning, I find I like "Transitions" better because these changes arenae ever as easy as one-time decision of whether to turn left, right or stay straight. Sustainable changes are a process far more than singular events.
Still, the gentle stir of the name trigger has felt significant here in the current transition of Hubs's unfamiliar presence in my life. The man, himself, is still very familiar, but his continual presence is new. Is it fair to compare that change to moving back in with my father? The danger of that is in the psychotic whiplash of my father's sexual perversions, but keeping it to paternal stereotypes, I believe the comparison is fair. For 38 years, my relationship with Hubs has been more opportunism than continual. His continual presence is a shock to the system, for both better AND worse. The work we have done in preparation for that transition seems to be holding up well to the chore of accentuating the better and dealing efficiently with the worse. So far, so good on that score. Prayers in progress.
The more pertinent crossroad here is the strictly personal one of taking my projects here at the job site seriously. The co-owner factor remains ominous and unresolved, but the co-owner I call Hubs seems to be gaining confidence in those dynamics.
Hubs's first day or three of his first commited week here were energizing, but by the end of that first week, I was back to my current holding pattern of TV and jigsaw puzzles, sprinkled with brief, frustrating and ineffective internet searches for the next step in the pending projects. This week is looking like a continuation of the holding pattern.
Sorting. . .
Replies
“Crossroads”, “Transitions,” ways of defining changes. I often feel the same way as you expressed here, Arfie. Trying to find the word for describing the “shift” of perception that sneak up on me has given me many hours of challenging work trying to figure out what exactly I’m feeling.
Especially today I’m feeling that weird sense of standing at crossroads, actually it’s been hanging around for the past several days. It feel like a pause before taking another step but I’m not exactly sure what footing I’ll find beneath me once I take that step. There’s the pressure of anticipation and excitement surging through me, that curiosity to see what is next but also a kind of dazed confusion because I have no idea what is before me nor what brought me to that crossroads.
Is it a transition or even a crossroads?
I feel the gentle pull of old familiar pathways tugging me in that direction, desire & curiosity pulling me towards other ways, and hesitation & caution (& I suppose fear) keeping me standing still.
I can’t help but relate so much to this post. I see so much of my own recent experiences and past reflected in it.
Sometimes I wonder if “limbo” and “crossroads” are two sides of the same coin. They always seem closely tied together. And I spend a lot of time loitering around both when I’m between projects, which is looking like it’s going to become a more frequent occurrence soon.
Currently, it’s been my keeping busy with odd projects that has provided a new found stability with my various issues with PTSD/anxiety/etc. I wonder if it’s the approach of one finished project (reupholstering dining set completion today) and feeling a sense of disappointment that it’s ending, along with indecisiveness as to what to start next, is what has me feeling like I am waiting at a “crossroads”.
Is any of that relatable to
what you’re feeling, Arfie?
I’m not exactly fully awake this morning, lol. A foggy sort of mental and physical exhaustion has settled into both my bones and thoughts as if I’ve been sedated. I think yesterday I overdid things a bit.
Hugs & support, Arfie. Great post, just wish my brain was more awake and operational this morning so I could fully appreciate it.
Hugs!
I gotta lean towards the transition preference over the crossroad one, because crossroad to me implies we make a decision , we have some semblance of choice, and i dont think that is true for everything. I like transition, its true for all change chosen and other wise imposed.
I think its great that the prep work for you and hubs is holding steady. Continued prayers ...
And of course, triple hugs of support while hoping the next to do for the project arrives shortly~