crossroad

 The detective came over the other day and asked me about my missing  partner he question me since its now been months, He said do i want to search for him because im angry or do i still want to search for him because i care. I said both, all week i thought about it and it really broke me i sit silently thinking, i have come to a cross road, and i feel so stuck, its as if im back to square one all over again, i'm at the point im getting tired of life, crying people coming over to support me which i am so blessed and grateful for, but deep down, im tired, then i started to throw his clothes out and a thought run through my mind of how  my boss from work gave me i got a voucher for my birthday and now i cant find it.   kills me inside to even think he would of taken it, as it was for a women's store, as for me i think the hardest part with this ordeal, is he new what he was doing and i wonder if he is with someone how long did the relationship go for. I wonder does he think about me i have disconnect the phone lines and got a new number if one day he trys to ring  would it make him crazy, this is what im so lifeless about im tired of life, and what it throws at me, all i want is to have a male friend with no strings attached to just be my friend. that i can go have coffee with or smile and understands a good listerner, but what are the chances of that happening, Thanks to him and i dont trust anyone, all my friends are happy going off to bail Canada getting beauty treatments where as here i am cant even get my hair done, cause i have to pay his debt off.