Crossfire
Short update. I guess I'm a bit more emotionally stable since my last posts. Point of concern is that I'm starting to show characteristics of apathy instead. I don't care much for my sleeping pattern anymore or preparing for study groups. Instead I go to parties, shop for clothes and lay around in bed reading books and listening music. The only thing I still hold back on is the alcohol but maybe I won't have to anymore soon since I'm completely off the anti-depressants now. Past week my hand cramps came back even though I was back on my old dose. So my shrink told me to quit it, since one thing might lead to another and we don't want that circus again. I could really feel how alcohol affected me more than usual when I was on medication and I didn't enjoy it, so it wasn't hard to keep off the booze. I got a party coming up Thursday so I'm curious how it'll go down now it's just the lithium I'm on.
Otherwise, it's hard to update since I don't really know what's up with me myself. On one hand I feel energetic and uplifted and occasionally got plans for doing things. On the other hand everything feels pretty pointless and I really wonder whether and how I'm ever going to get anything meaningful done. I'm inclined to feel that it's better to just not start anything at all because that seems to be the only thing able to save me from failing continuously. Coincidence or not, last week was the first time quitting my studies was mentioned to me - by two different persons. I got mixed feelings on this issue. First because it'll feel like the biggest failure so far. And because it was the one thing that gave me structure, a goal and a connection to reality. But at the same time I'm not really getting anywhere. And it adds a lot of pressure to the load I've already got. It's not an issue I want to deal with now anyway. I'll discuss it with my therapist instead. Yes! My therapist. I'm getting one. I'm being transferred from my old shrink to a new one and I get a therapist on the side. They told me it should only take 2-3 weeks max. to get placed. Because I'm just that special.
The woman who did my intake told me I'm very good at expressing myself with words. But that maybe I should express myself with emotions more often. I told her thanks but no thanks, I've expressed enough emotions in the past 2 years to last me a lifetime and I'd rather not if I can help it. Being able to have that control is a positive thing to me.
Otherwise, it's hard to update since I don't really know what's up with me myself. On one hand I feel energetic and uplifted and occasionally got plans for doing things. On the other hand everything feels pretty pointless and I really wonder whether and how I'm ever going to get anything meaningful done. I'm inclined to feel that it's better to just not start anything at all because that seems to be the only thing able to save me from failing continuously. Coincidence or not, last week was the first time quitting my studies was mentioned to me - by two different persons. I got mixed feelings on this issue. First because it'll feel like the biggest failure so far. And because it was the one thing that gave me structure, a goal and a connection to reality. But at the same time I'm not really getting anywhere. And it adds a lot of pressure to the load I've already got. It's not an issue I want to deal with now anyway. I'll discuss it with my therapist instead. Yes! My therapist. I'm getting one. I'm being transferred from my old shrink to a new one and I get a therapist on the side. They told me it should only take 2-3 weeks max. to get placed. Because I'm just that special.
The woman who did my intake told me I'm very good at expressing myself with words. But that maybe I should express myself with emotions more often. I told her thanks but no thanks, I've expressed enough emotions in the past 2 years to last me a lifetime and I'd rather not if I can help it. Being able to have that control is a positive thing to me.
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