Crocodile Tears III
This morning's whisper in my pre-dawn meditations is to shift the focus from the current in-law legal schmegal to the forgiveness of the trauma flashbacks their antics are triggering. The information driving their manipulations isnae currently available to me. In The Gnarly Old Dickhead I trust to handle those current events. I only drive myself crazier with speculation and conjecture based on incomplete data. The psycho snot knots of flashbacks, et al, are yuckus maximus, buttttttttttaaaaaa. . . Sorting. . .
At present, the meanest rounds are the 3 year elder sister I have called, "Pimp Sis" here in this particular journal. I amnae sure I have called her as many names as she has married in to. In my own strictly personals, our relationship hasnae evolved much since c. 1966 when my mother decided(?) that forcing us on each other would balance Pimp Sis's 15 year old hypersexuality and my 12 year old descent into the dustiest library archives I could find. I went mega-brat on her and a running buddy during the bra-stuffing portion of making me more marketable for their night's planned events. My phobic resistance to the feminine art of lying about your age was born that day, alongside my firm opinion that bras are feminine torture devices. This even feels like the sort of moment for Pimp Sis to show up on my doorstep, ready, insistent and able to rescue her Brat Sis from those dusty archives. Her most recent divorce and political banners are *proof* of her abilities. All she needs is my money to put the snap in her flags. ^It^ will be the best investment of my career. As of 1998 when we last spoke, our life crises(pl) seemed to still be synchronized. Her availability always seems to coincide with my own domestic chaoos. Does ^it^ get more chaotic than grieving a son while the other grandparents translate her treatment of ex-husbands to the next generation? I havenae a doubt she is qualified to be my legal representative in the translation drive. Those archives arenae dusty enough for me. . . Can we back up to the part where I *want* to even go there? Get your snotty kleenex out of my bra! ! !
Breathing. . . Plying mindfulness tools. . .
One of her two daughters fell in with a Baptist congregation during her HS years. They adopted her and saw her through college. Celebrating her entrance into college was the motive behind my last encounter with Pimp Sis. She grew into a genuinely remarkable woman who was doing her best to help her cousin and his wife through the protective custody crisis, all the way to the possibility of adopting the baby they were ashamed to be carrying while doing so badly with the first two. She wasnae offended when I told her that I loved her, but losing a sibling wasnae an improvement on the theme for the first two. This niece was killed in another car crash two days before the baby was born. Am I only imagining that Little Sis looks like her namesake? For certain, she is a gringuita in any of the barrios on any of the continents where there are barrios to be found.
Breathing. . . Plying mindfulness tools. . .
Crying. . .
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Addendum:
I, too, experienced hyper-sexuality from our father's sex education program. Believe it or knot, keepers of dusty archives get horny, too.
((((Arfie))))
Here with you & listening .....I wish I could give you a big hug.
Sending you lots of support & many prayers
No Words....Huge Prayers
Hugs and Prayers for Peace Arfie.
Prayers both needed and appreciated.
Still praying my ABC's. . . Please send back the letters that I need.
It was an intense wake up this morning, but Big Bro and Gampy made it down the driveway on time. It's propaganda week at his school. Drugs and Bullies are the targets. Today Big Bro is supposed to have a *twin* dressed in the same statement rags as him. Big Bro looked like he had been kicked in the teeth when I asked if he had a *twin*. I didnae press the issue. The other propaganda week activities look equally clear to my muddled state.
I added "grand" to this week's parent signature column. . . Am I still a grandparent?
The next confusion on the list is a Veteran's Day honor display at school. When I asked GS if he wanted me on that wall of honor, he said, "No. Gampy should be there." I silently said, "Sorry, love. Gampy was too young to be a 60's draft dodger, but he woulda if he coulda."
Don't think I will stand to be honored this year, either. I just an everyday Toxic Mom. . .
If gringuita namesake AKA Little Sis has the heart, soul or looks of pimp sis's youngest Irish twin daughters she will be a lucky person. I had the pleasure of hosting the name of the namesake AKA YS's chosen Cousin for the adoption of Little Sis, She lived with me for about a year of high school and was already deeply graced with the blessing of part of her Baptist family. So much so that she had taken to wearing only dresses or skirts. My daughter was very happy to have a sister that year even if it was really a cousin. Cousin was so into the dress that she wouldn't ride my daughter's horse even thou I know she really wanted to. I think the bond with Cousin, my daughter and I was a blessing. The bond was not strong enough to keep Cousin in my home when pimp sis called to say hello and invited her to come live in marriage three or four with her. I heard that pimp sister had a terrible time getting to the air port to pick Cousin up and made her feel bad about the trouble. My feeling when I heard that was... why did I let her go back to her mother?
Baby steps, Big prayers and Lots of Love
So much going on. Prayers and hopes continue.
Just read the Veteran's day post... I honor your sacrifice to our country... I think when you are with GS feeding chickens or whatever puts him in a learning mode, this would be a good time for him to find out what a veteran is and what the best part of being one means to you. He can bond with you better if he gets to know how you are.
Miss you muchly, Love you more.
Cousin's namesake is looking like a live wire. She is mastering the art of standing without a prop to pull herself on and mostly undaunted by whatever nose dives she gets herself in to. No pain no gain? Well. . . The literal nose dive that gave her the current bruise across the bridge of her nose set her back for an entire nap time. . . I suspect she'll be running after the first 3 contiguous steps.
It's hard to know which European ethnicity she got her looks from, but she's definitely Euro. . . She is only a gringuita at the other grandparent house/community. Praying my ABC's. . . El abcedario, tambien. . .
Wish you were here, my Delusional Old Sister. . . The elder siblings have named a room in the new house after you.
Hugs & love my friend.
Speculation is a sinister nemesis to me and always seems ready to pounce when I feel like there is too much to handle. I crave a rational explanation for people’s actions but sometimes the explanation for motives is as simple as greed or just being a selfish person which for me is hard to sallow. It’s always been horribly difficult to accept that people can just be evil, regardless of evidence.
Stepping away from the speculation sounds like a good thing to do right now Arfie. There’s plenty of stress on your plate already, no need to create a buffet.
Keep up with the mindfulness my friend. Prayers that it can bring you some peace while you continue to digest the overwhelming things on your plate.
Hugs & love Arfie
Gentle hug sweetie..... I'm glad that you have tools that are helping you through..... You remain in my prayers.....xo