Critical
I admit that I haven't utilized this site in an un-selfish way. Think of it - I didn't GET her by being un-selfish... I wasn't in dire straits to find some endeavor to absorb more of my efforts or energies.
Lately, like tonight, I am feeling a sinking, suffocating draw against my being. I drank. I'm drinking. I hate it, but it is so.
For the first time that I can recall, I am feeling confused and somewhat desperate. I just popped some Milk Thistle and chewed an aspirin. Why? Because I felt so weak and vulnerable that I figured - what could it hurt?
This weekend, my wife and kids will leave me to my own devices. They will attend a family function some 200 miles away from me, and my main reason for not attending - while solid on their surface - are completely bogus. I don't want to go because I believe - believe, not want - that I will drink in excess...and I want to protect the only recourse that my body believes that it has, which is sleeping it off.
How pathetic, how tragic is this? I'm sure that I will accomplish some worthwhile objective during the absence of my family this weekend, but I am willfully, wantonly, trading experiences for excuses.
How did it come to this?
Lately, like tonight, I am feeling a sinking, suffocating draw against my being. I drank. I'm drinking. I hate it, but it is so.
For the first time that I can recall, I am feeling confused and somewhat desperate. I just popped some Milk Thistle and chewed an aspirin. Why? Because I felt so weak and vulnerable that I figured - what could it hurt?
This weekend, my wife and kids will leave me to my own devices. They will attend a family function some 200 miles away from me, and my main reason for not attending - while solid on their surface - are completely bogus. I don't want to go because I believe - believe, not want - that I will drink in excess...and I want to protect the only recourse that my body believes that it has, which is sleeping it off.
How pathetic, how tragic is this? I'm sure that I will accomplish some worthwhile objective during the absence of my family this weekend, but I am willfully, wantonly, trading experiences for excuses.
How did it come to this?
Replies
Even as a new member, I took a hiatus from this site almost immediately. It just didn\'t feel right - I felt too negative, and self-defeating.
It\'s been 5 days sober now, which may be a small thing for some... but it\'s an accomplishment that I can count on one hand in recent years, and still scratch my nose. The first couple days were a struggle - not so much physically, but mentally. I had idle time, and a very NON idle mind. Finding tasks to occupy my mental activity proved very helpful. Sleep was difficult - getting easier the last couple nights. My energy level is improving during the waking hours. It may seem like a futile plan, but I am going to approach this thing from a tempered standpoint - this time. In the past, whenever I failed, it was the end of the world. Too severe were the ups-and-downs in that situation for me. One hour, one day at a time. Whatever those hours and days add up to before my next possible failure, they will be just that - a successful period. This may be a fool-hearted approach to some, but it feels right at the moment. Maybe when I begin accumulating more successes than failures - - - Anyway, 5 down, and counting.