CRAZY PANIC AND MED WITHDRAWAL

I have been suffering from major panic disorder for about 20 years.  I've taken every medication available from tricyclics to benzodiazapines and everything in between.  Well, the Thursday before Memorial day, I stopped taking my Remeron and Clonapin.  I was taking 15 and 4 mg respectively. I know I shouldn't have, but I did it cold turkey.  I was tired of being a zombie and dependent on meds.  I was okay for 2-3 weeks then I started wigging out hard.  Like crazy racing heart and nutty, suicidal, end of the world obsessive thoughts, sleeplessness--everything horrible.  I read that Clonapin cessation could lead to seizures so I started taking just .5 mg/at bedtime whereas previously, I was taking 4 mg/day.  Whenever I felt anxious, I just popped one, two at at time.  When I completely stopped sleeping, I had to see my work nurse.  I was hallucinating and just couldn't keep it together (but I did and I don't think many people noticed I was TOTALLY tripping and losing my mind!!).  She gave me Ambien.  For almost a month now, I've been taking Ambien and Benadryl with melatonin at night and I sleep for surprisingly just 3 hrs at a time!  During the day, I might have serious, SERIOUS bouts of horiffic panic that last several hours with psychosis and chest pains--they will literally last 5-6 hours.  I try deep breathing, soft music, guided meditation, and lately a LOT of chamomile--like the entire plant--dried and put into a tea steeper.  I think it may be working to some degree. I'm a bit panicky now, but not completely out of my head like I was yesterday evening and earlier today.  I've been off of the Remeron for what, 55 days now and the drastically reduced Clonapin for about 40 days.  I have an appointment with a therapist this Thursday and he will recommend a good psychiatrist and a long-term therapist.  He's my job's EAP coordinator.  I spoke with him a few days ago and he seems to understand me.  It's funny because I wanted to come off of meds and I'm taking more now than before.  That sucks.  I want to see where I am without meds because it's been so freaking long . I don't know if my brain can repair itself and with the help of my diligent work and with the help of professionals.  I don't know how bad it is, but I've held down a job with my local government for over 3 years now and everyone likes me and says I do a good job.  I actually just got a promotion and new job in my office comes with  A LOT MORE WORK AND STRESS, but I need money . I'm  making a small amount as it is.  My daughter is getting older and doesn't want to see me too much anymore and that's stressful. She's so much more into mom which is weird to me because I'm so playful and accomodating.  I don't get why she doesn't seem to love me equally . I think mom poisoned her mind, but I can't do anything.  I'm not going to trash talk her mom.  We didn't work as a couple, but I suppose she's still a good mom and my daughter needs her.  So to recap, some psych meds gone, eating well, taking supplements, vitamins, water, exercise when I can,  (but not enough), wicked panic most days, most of the day, sleep meds at night, not liking life, very alone and ...damn it--this really sucks.  I would feel so much better if I had a partner.  I got  a massage the other day and I felt amazing. All of my panic vanished and I felt like a billion dollars.  Too bad the massage is expensive.  That would cure me!  The MJ I tried certainly did NOT and despite being a "calming" strain, it made me more anxious.  I'm continuing to forge ahead and try to look forward to things getting better .