Crazy old me.
It has been 6 weeks since Colleen passed away. I couldn't feel, until now. I'm waking up at night from Colleen talking to me, only to realize that I'm alone in my room. Each time, just as I wake up, I can hear her breathing. When I turn to check if her oxygen mask is still in place, I realize that she is not with me anymore. This was my normal sleep routine for many years, only she is not with me anymore.
Our church arranged a "church lunch" for today. I fear being among lots of people so much, that I just feel sick this morning. I decided not to attend the service today either, in case someone tries to take me to the lunch with them.
It is just not a good day for me.
Our church arranged a "church lunch" for today. I fear being among lots of people so much, that I just feel sick this morning. I decided not to attend the service today either, in case someone tries to take me to the lunch with them.
It is just not a good day for me.
Replies
First, you\'re not crazy.......you\'re grieving.
I think \"hearing\" Colleen breathe is a very normal thing for your mind to be doing. After all, it\'s what you\'ve done for so many years. One thing I\'ll ask you to think about......did the breathing sound \"normal\".....not strained, easier than it actually was for Colleen while she was here?? The reason I\'m asking is my dear friend, and founder of FMO, breathed in my house after she left earth! And thankfully there were others here who also heard it....yes, it was audible, it was not a dream I\'d had. We were all standing in the kitchen....when suddenly a very loud exhale was heard by us! Barbara had breast cancer and she was on a breathing machine and had oxygen 24/7 her last week/days. This exhale we heard was NO DOUBT IN MY MIND Barbara revealing to us how well she could NOW breathe!! It totally blew my mind....but it was real!
Maybe you were hearing Colleen showing off her new breathing skills!!
Many moms find it very difficult to be around lots of people, especially so early in this journey. I applaud you for doing what you knew you needed to do...in this case, not going.
I send you lots and lots of love energy and hopes, wishes, and prayers for a gentle, peaceful day today~~
we are all just as crazy as you..... I would not go to that lunch either.....we do things when we are able,,, just tell your friends,,, not yet.... love ya!
Hi my friend: I know exactly what you are feeling, as I wake up automatically to check on Ryan, only to realize he is watching, running and playing with your dear sweet Colleen. I remember feeling him breathe while he was sleeping. It has also been 6 weeks since Ryan received his angel wings. Remember, it is okay to do what you want and what you need whenever. You did an awesome job today in listening to what you need. As all the wonderful moms have said, be gentle with yourself. As we cocooned our precious children, now is the time for you to feel Gods loving arms wrapped around you, as well as our FMO support group. I am here for you whenever you need me. Hugs and then some more gentle hugs
Six weeks, no time at all, your numbness is wearing off. All horribly normal. I still wake up (almost 2-1/2 years now) during the night if I\'m coughing and think \"I don\'t want to wake April\" whose room was down the hall (not that my coughing would have woken her, it\'s just that I did everything, all day and all night, with her in mind). Sleeping is just as hard as being awake because of the dreams and because, each morning, I wake up to an empty world.
As for the picnic, well, I\'m doing the same thing today. You see that we all do this from the replies you\'ve gotten. I just can\'t go to the BBQ being held by the sportsman\'s club I belong to and I couldn\'t tell my friend, who is also a member, because he just wouldn\'t understand. I can\'t sit with people who have husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, friends and have a \"good\" time. Maybe one day. Not today.
You do what you have to do to PROTECT YOURSELF. This is a life changing trauma. Something has been \"amputated\": your heart, in fact. Now you need a \"wheelchair\", maybe even a \"heart/lung machine\", and careful nurturing. Mother yourself as well as you did your precious daughter. She\'s free, now. I know: small consolation, but as time passes that realization becomes greater and more comforting: no more suffering, free as a bird, in the presence of the most loving and merciful, full of joy. Perhaps she was a victim soul (as my priest, Father Bill, often says of people who seem to suffer intense torment from birth into young adulthood). We don\'t know the plans of God, as He tells us our ways are not His ways. You hang on, sister, for dear life. And you PM me any time, or any one of us for that matter, because we are all walking in your shoes.
I believe it is entirely normal for your subconsciousness to dream of events that you lived for many years. It\'s all part of the grieving and acceptance phase of losing a loved one, particularly one you have cared for so long.
Though you may not feel much like involving yourself with others, do try to get out and socialize when you can. That too will help you move on with your life. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do so, but it\'s necessary to help get past the grief. If you have a good friend close by, or a kindly neighbor, invite them over for coffee or tea, even if it\'s just for a half hour. Do accept other invites if they come to you. It does help to have other people in our lives. I know from my own recent experience.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. Dan
I don\'t know if this will be of much help...but it has been 8 years since I lost my husband and mom...and 5 years since I lost my dad....but I dream and feel them in my presence all the time. It used to be a weird feeling. now I embrace it....it is so comforting now when I see them in my dreams.
Keeping you in my thought and prayers....Huggs and feel free to message me anytime. You are a strong woman...stronger than you know. One day at a time....baby steps....this works
You have just begun walking this path and it takes awhile to get one\'s sea legs underneath them. Your timetable is as unique as are you so good for you to be listening to what is best for your being at this time.
I too sense that IS Colleen letting you know that she is with you. Our breath is so symbolic and without it none of us would be here. She is choosing a way to connect with you that is meaningful for the two of you. I would reframe those moments as a huge hello from your darling daughter.
Understanding the ups, downs and automatic pilot kinds of days that one faces on this path and thankful we have one another to journey with.
Cradling your tender heart with loving care and breathing new life into all that touches you.
XO Joanie