Crashed and Burned this Weekend

Wow, this past week hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday. After finding my mother's body on July 2nd, I have been full speed ahead getting homes for her cats, getting EVERYTHING boxed up for donations, trash, take home, etc. Took me until Sunday to get it all done, my brother and daughter were there for the entire duration and my cousin came up Saturday to handle her clothes that were hanging in the closets. It was a monumental task. Sunday morning I was sitting in my garage having a smoke and sorting through some of moms things and got the text from the ex. "How are you doing?" or something to that effect. Like a FOOL I responded "not too good" and broke No Contact like a glass vase against a wall. The breakup, the death of mom all hit me. The apartment was finished and now I was back to my thoughts. I had told my daughter my ex could have some things from moms, they were very very close for many years. She needed some things for her new place and I figured why not, if she can use them. But responding to her with MY feelings was a huge mistake. It had nothing to do with the material items or my daughter, which should have been the only things I should discuss. After she asked why was I not feeling good I switched topic immediately and told her the stuff is in the garage and I had already contacted her mother about it so they could schedule getting it out since its in the way of other things I need. Her response was "why didnt you contact me directly", another question..see how this goes? See how that one STUPID response of mine opened Pandoras Box, now she is "concerned" about my well being???? I took one giant leap backwards. I just said because I figured you would be talking to your mom more and left it at that. She went on and on about coming over with my ex father in law to get the stuff, probably Monday, etc etc. These conversations are the root of my pain. I had her over to make that "family" dinner right after my mom passed and got through that but it did hurt. Now I have her asking how im feeling, which is an arrow straight through my heart. I ended up sitting on my deck smoking way too much, contemplating the fact I am alone now. She is gone, my mom is gone, I went into a dark place, debating whether to sell my house, maybe have my daughter stay with ex for a while while I get my head on straight, my mind was ping-ponging everywhere...still is. Having her live with my ex is stupid for more reasons than I can count, she left both of us, for me to even suggest it is selfish on so many levels I cant begin to fathom why I thought it. It would crush my daughter to even bring it up, she has been behind me on this since my ex left. She hardly sees her mom anymore, I know this hurt her too. Well today my plan is NOT to be here when she comes over to get the stuff. I will talk to my ex father in law and tell him I'll probably be gone and go ahead and take the stuff, hes cool and will understand 100%, he wasnt behind my ex leaving at all but that was her choice so nobody can control that. This was long, Im sorry and thanks if you made it this far. 4 months post breakup and I can see why they say this could take a year or more. For the life of my I cant understand how I can sit there and sugarcoat our relationship in my head when it was pretty much non-existent for the last 2-3 years?? Didnt sleep together but maybe once or twice (I cant even remember Im sure we were both drunk), didnt really do anything affectionate (either one of us) just kind of co-habitated for the sake of the kids I guess. I was in a comfort zone and that got destroyed, really by both of us. Maybe we hadnt grown apart like she said when she broke up with me, but we did stagnate, and she was done. I cant blame her for that, but its still hurts. Not sure where I go from here, but I still havent drank any booze, and that is mind boggling considering where I was with liquor the last several years. But I was sure thinking about it yesterday. Yup...drank 3 Odouls instead, I enjoy the taste of beer and Im in Washington State, we are in a heat wave, they tasted good. But she was in my head thats for sure, I let her back in with that stupid stupid response.