Crappy...

Feeling really shitty the past couple of days. The phone call the other night has set me back considerably. Hearing him speak to me in a half reasonable tone.. I miss him... after all this time & all the anger, I still fucking miss him! Then I hate myself for being so weak & unable to just move on like he has. How can he walk away seemingly unscathed & walk right into a new relationship while I'm still so fucked up a year & a half later.. ? How can he not hurt, or grieve, or remember, or feel... ? And why can't I do the same?Then I think of my friend that I care so much for.. how can anything good come of things if I'm still so messed up.. he is so kind & caring. He knows everything about what is going on between my ex & I. I cried to him for half an hour after talking to ex the other night. I even told him that I worry about him in this whole process cause I am obviously still messed up. He told me that all he wants is to be my friend & walk beside me through all this. I'm so blessed to have him. I'm tired of thinking about my ex & hurting inside all the time. I go through good periods where I feel great about things for months but then I seem to slide back into feeling crappy & missing & grieving my marriage. I don't understand why.. The worst part is I punish my ex when I feel this way & get angry & mean to him.. I feel better in the moment but then feel shitty again for doing it shortly afterwards. I hate this part of me.. the ugly, mean, jilted, jaded side of me that wants to hurt him for hurting me... I read other's posts & journals. People who seem to come through separation & divorce with their dignity in tact & never seem to lose control of their emotions.. I envy that in them. I wish I could've been like that & just walked away with my head held high.  I need to do some serious reevaluation of myself.. :(