Crabby With Thougts of SI

I'm just going to check in quickly.  I'm totally feeling crabby today and didn't sleep well last night even with the help of the meds.  I just couldn't get my brain to shut off.  I have to leave in a few minutes...I have an appointment for a massage.  I'm thankful I still have coverage for it so it shouldn't cost me much...if anything.  I'm also going to be walking there and probably back too so hopefully that activity should help.  I didn't do my workout yesterday but I walked...so as long as I'm doing one or the other I don't really care.  Every part of me right now wants to withdrawal and hide from the world again, but I know that is not the answer...I know it wouldn't be right to do that...so I'm facing this anxiety and going out and forcing myself to communicate with people.  I'm battling thoughts of SI...in an odd kind of way I actually kind of miss cutting...especially at night when I can't sleep.  I know that sounds awful...but it was a part of me for so long....and as much as I hate it and the thought of it I feel like it would be so comforting to just do it...just take out a sharp blade and run it down my skin.  I'm not...I really want to prove to myself that I can stay SI free...but it's becoming a tough daily battle.  I'm not sure "time" makes things easier...some days I think it makes it harder.  Anyway...gotta go.  Need to leave in 10 min.