Countdown- Living Selfish This Week

Rain, Rain go away...... I know we need it, but what a pain.  I am supposed to go into school today to get my belongings.  My youngest was lagging this morning.  It made the morning very stressful.  She even got to bed early last night.  I felt bad for her last evening.  She cried, and cried, and cried.  She said that she was so stressed about her new everything.  I know it is got to be hard going to a different school all the time.  It is hard on me and I am an adult.  I saw my therapist last evening.  She helped me with getting ready for my surgery.  At the same time she also really hurt my feelings.  She apologized for what she said, however, it still hurts a lot.  Right now I have so much crap going on.  I don't need more crap.  I just wish that someone understood me and could be here for me.  I know my therapist is there for me.  However, last night, I felt like I was a thorn in her side and she was upset with me that I am struggling so much with the upcoming surgery.  You try going into surgery with severe depression and severe anxiety and pill phobias and see how you do.  Then on top of it you have a husband that is the meaneast person in the world to you.  I miss my friend, Elaine, sooooo much.  She was the only one that understood me and she is dead.  Last night, I was hinting around that I couldn't  go on any more.  I don't think my therapist caught on.  I am not going to hurt myself.  However, I am just sooooooo depressed.  This totally sucks because one minute I am flying on top of the world and the next minute, I am balling my head off and no one or nothing can make me feel better.  I had stopped taking the Prozac for 2 days.  However, last night I started taking it again.  I know it makes me feel better.  I went to school again.  I was out on the playground waiting with my youngest for school to start.  I was doing fine until I saw the principal.  Then I thought he was heading straight to me to tell me that I was in trouble for being on school property.  I need to get this out of my head.  All the principal did was tell the kids to get all of their talking out because when they got inside, they needed to be quiet.  My friend Melissa called.  She said that she would help me and told me to get my husband to help with the boxes after school.  I don't know if he will help because last night he was a jerk before I left for my therapists.  We didn't really speak to each other last night.  He was following me around a little like he was concerned.  However, he didn't say anything to me.  I wish he would be that knight in shining armour like we first met.  I wish that he would wisk me off my feet, hold me, and tell me that everything will be okay.  We will get through this together and ride off like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.  However, that is fantasy and it will never happen.  I think after my surgery next week, I need to suck it up and start looking into a separation.  I can't continue on like this.  I have changed for the better.  He can't accept it and never will.  Too bad for him.  At times, I want to run and see one of my exs and let him know that I am here for him now.  However, I know that this will never happen too.  I have been trying to hold on for my youngest so she doesn't have to grow up in two homes.  However, my unhappiness is holding me back from my life.  I can't get better anymore unless I move on.  (I am leaking big time right now)  I wish the pain and the hurt inside of me would go away.  I wish I would have made different changes in my life.  I wish a lot of things.  Most of all, I wish that I would have never fallen on January 3 and took off of work.  That was the biggest mistake that I ever made.  I miss my students, my job, my career, the constant talking and noise.  Here it is soooo quiet that it drives me crazy.  I so want to go to the gym right now and punch a bag or swim 50 laps.  Instead, I suffer from this damn disease and am trapped in my own nightmare.  I hope to goodness, that my daughter doesn't suffer like I do.  I don't wish this upon anyone.  I just want to be happy.  I would give up my job, my house, and my life to be happy.  Just for a little while.  When do I ever get to feel alive again and happy?