Copies of comments made over time:
5/3/2012 In the Physical & Emotional Abuse forum:
I am affraid to admit this but - I am so bitterly angry and literally hate everyone and everything around me. Excluding my daughter. As for her, I despise the fact that she wants to spend time with her daddy and his new girlfriend. I am not good at hiding my feelings, so when I know she is going, I cop attitudes.. And say things I shouldn't, "like well then just pack your bags and move in with them" - "enjoy yourself" (sarcastically) - I even went as far as letting her know that I was angry at her for wanting to spend time in the house that was our home and now it's their home. (yes he moved his new family into my dream house) which make me extremely bitter too. I am not proud of myself. I even hate myself right now. I am going thru some counseling with the local "Mid Shore Counseling for Domestic Violence". and when I'm there it all sounds so good and easy to do. But the minute she says something about daddy or I even hear his freakin voice. I blow my top and in turn take it out on her. I so desparately want to move on and get over the anger. I just can't find a way to do it. Sorry for ranting on your post. Just needed to get this out.
I am affraid to admit this but - I am so bitterly angry and literally hate everyone and everything around me. Excluding my daughter. As for her, I despise the fact that she wants to spend time with her daddy and his new girlfriend. I am not good at hiding my feelings, so when I know she is going, I cop attitudes.. And say things I shouldn't, "like well then just pack your bags and move in with them" - "enjoy yourself" (sarcastically) - I even went as far as letting her know that I was angry at her for wanting to spend time in the house that was our home and now it's their home. (yes he moved his new family into my dream house) which make me extremely bitter too. I am not proud of myself. I even hate myself right now. I am going thru some counseling with the local "Mid Shore Counseling for Domestic Violence". and when I'm there it all sounds so good and easy to do. But the minute she says something about daddy or I even hear his freakin voice. I blow my top and in turn take it out on her. I so desparately want to move on and get over the anger. I just can't find a way to do it. Sorry for ranting on your post. Just needed to get this out.
Replies
On or about - 5/3/2012 - - - For the last 4 years or more, my daughter has used every excuse to entise me to move out of our house either with or with out her daddy. She claimed that she was affraid of the house and that it terrified her during the violent summer storms. So, I finally took the leap and moved out when i realized that she was willing to leave (run away if need be) on her own (mind you she was only 12 at the time). Tensions had grown bad between her dad and I in the prior 2 to 3 months. He made the decision to start staying at his mothers across the bridge (40 miles closer to work) to save gas. We live 80 miles one way to his office and he drives an expensive Dodge pick up truck. (Gas guzzler). So me being guliable, I believed him. In time I found out that he was seeing another woman (and eventually moved in with her during the weeks leading me to believe that he was still at his mothers - and returned home om the weekends like nothing was going on. Then he got a little more daring and started getting up early on Saturdays and running all the way across the birdge (another 50 yo 60 miles) to a store that he could have run litterally 12 miles up the street in our local town to buy. What I finally found out was that he was sneaking time with his new girl friend. (( Oh major tid bit of information, the other woman had only been married 4 months for the first time to a man who was willing to adopt the youngest of her three children. This woman has 3 kids by 3 different men, whom she had never married and one of the kids were conceived by a one night stand. All this data has been gathered over the last 5 months after our separation.
So with all that said, my issue falls with my daughter. She who threatened to run away because she didn\'t like the house in which she grew up in. Now feels comfortable enough to go down and visit with her dad and his new girlfriend and her three sons. She states that this weekend they will be opening the pool for the season (the pool I begged for for 13 years and finally got to enjoy for one summer before I left).
I am torn, I am so pissed off that she wants to spend time with her daddy at the house she was raised in and refused to live in. I feel like I am being totally immature. But I can\'t contain my anger. She was visiting with her daddy tonight and when she came home and informed me that she is going back down with daddy this weekend to help open the pool for the summer. I felt a rage poor over my body. I want to go down and cut a whole in the liner, punch holes in the siding, just sabotage the pool I worked and begged so hard for.
I don\'t not want her to spend time with her daddy and his new family. i want her to despise him the way I do. I am so bitter - hurt - angry because he moved on and has started a new life with a new woman and her 3 kids. Throwing me away like a piece a dirt. It\'s only been 5 months.
How do I got over this. I have 3 men who are interested in me. But I am so bitter, that I can barely bring myself to talk to them.
I go from one extreme to another with my husband. One, I cus him out and call his girlfriend a family wrecker, whore, slut etc. But then when he pulls in my driveway alone with my daughter, I see that he is exhausted and there is something emotionally eating at him. I will never trust him and will never be with him again. But, I keep lashing out at him and would really like to see him rott in hell. Dieing a slow and painful death. Totally alone.
Am I a bad person for feeling that way? Do I have a soul? A heart?
How do I handle the bitterness toward my daughter for wanting to spend time with her daddy and then admitting that she actually likes his new girlfriend? There is a part of me that whats her to go and just live with him so that it\'s not shoved in my face. Please help me. What do I do?
posted 4/18/12 - - - I am angry at my daughter for wanting to spend time with her daddy. I feel like I am a selfish Bit**.
This is what is ringing thru my head. I know it\'s wrong but I have no control over my feelings or thoughts. They build up and then I lash out at my daughter.
1) Why can\'t she see that her daddy is the reason our family is torn apart?
2) Why can\'t she see that her daddy - had the affair?
3) How can she want to spend time with that \"w**re\" and her boys that replaced us?
4) How can she walk in that house like nothing has changed?
5) How can she make plans to stay there over the summer?
6) How dare her be mad at me for not leaving sooner - then turn around and want to be there all the time?
I can keep going on and on and on. But you get the point. So how do I freakin\' let go and not take this out on my daughter? I am very angry at my self for being mad at her. A part of me is jealous. She gets to go back to our home and spend time there. I don\'t. I wanted the house, not him. I can\'t afford it. He can with the help of his \"w**re\" of a girlfriend. So I lose everything and he keeps it all. And now my daughter wants to be there. Really!!!!!! UGH!!!!! I am really hating mysefl right now.
Any words of wisdom. Before you tell me to seek counseling. I have started sessions with an Abuse clinic. Part the reason why I\'m angry. I know what I lived with for the last 15 years and I want him to be the one to suffer not me. But seems like as usual. I\'m the one who loses every thing and suffers the most. While he moves on like nothing every happen.
Ok, so I finally left him 11/20 - all the signs showed that he was having another affair. Ever since we were married, almost 14 years ago. He has degraded me - told me that I was an embarrassment to be seen in public with. Wouldn\'t take me out places. Said that he worked harder then I did and that he deserved to go out and enjoy himself. So on and So on. The final blow started in Aug 2011 - I could not prove it, but I could feel it. Yes he indeed had another woman. He was coming home late, if he came home at all. I found a dozen roses hidden in our RV. He would leave on a Saturday morning and drive an hour or more away to buy something that he could buy 15 minutes up the street. The true final blow was the night we fought and he drew his fist back and looked me in the eyes and told me to get out of \"his\" house. I knew right then and there that if I didn\'t leave, someone was gonna get hurt. And because he stands a foot taller then I do, it would have been me. Ok, so jump a few months later. His ultimate fatal error. He opened a facebook page and the only person who was not a family member was a woman that I had never seen in my life with him. He claimed that she was an old friend. Well I had heard thru the grapevine that he was trying to brake up a marriage. Then this woman made a facebook comment that \"it\'s sad when your happier the day you receive your divorce papers then the day you said I do\". That same day she also posted pictures of her son and my husband in my garage with our boat in the back ground. Some pictures of her ugly a** dog laying in my kitchen and in front of my fireplace. So here in Maryland, I looked up this womans name in the Judiciary Case search and guess what, I caught them red handed. Yup, she was married only 4 months earlier. She kicked her newlywed husband out of the house and moved my husband in only 3 days later. Because I was still living at the house with our daughter and had not moved out. They lived in her home. This all occurred around Nov 3rd or 4th. But I didn\'t find out until Feb 8th. I contacted the soon to be ex husband and we have compared notes. We know exactly where and how they met. We know when they were together and where. We have recreated the whole scene. Unfortunately for me, Maryland does not recognize adultry other than to allow me to get my divorce sooner. I don\'t get compensated anything extra for the lies and decent that I lived with for 15 years. So now he wants me to sign off of the house that only has $15,000 equity - all of our big items, 2 boats, RV, gocart, 4wheelers, race car etc. With no monetary compensation. All the while, they have now moved into my home and are living what should have been my life. And I\'m the Bitch. Really - come on. I tried to leave 4 or 5 times over the years. He begged me and threatened me to I stay. Only for him to throw me away like a piece of garbage. I am so freaking torn up about this. I can\'t stop thinking, crying, stomping, screaming. How dare he? Really, How dare he? If he didn\'t love me, he should have just let me go. So Hell to the NO. I am not signing anything over to him. Do I hear an AMEN???
posted on 2/16/12 - - - I left my husband on11/20/11 - Lord knows the marraige was over. Not for me so much - more for him. He had treated me like crap. He belittled me - degraded me - he insulted me - he ingnored me - he ordered me. Please read past posts to see just how cruel he was.
So then, why does it hurt so freaking bad when you realized that only 21 days after you moved out - he had his new girlfriend over to your house - taking pictures like she had been there before. Then she posts them on of all places, freaking Facebook.
I thought that I had moved on from this pain. What the heck happen to me? Why am I bawling my eyes out? I am so upset I can barely stand to be in my own skin. I want out. I hate him for what he did to our marriage - but for some dumn reason, I still want him. Why do I do this to myself. Why can\'t I just remember all the mean things he did and said and feel sorry for his new girlfriend? I can partly answer that question. Since our separation, I have lost weight. Saturday we went to the accountants office to sign all of the tax forms. The next morning he called me @ 8:37am - made a point to let me know that he was still laying in bed and that he was thinking about just how good I looked. He had noticed all the weight I had lost. Was that just to give me a freaking glimmer of hope or was he laughing his butt off at me?
posted 12/7/12 - - - I thought my 12 year old and I had a tight relationship - however, in the last 2 months I found out otherwise. To make matters worse, we have left my husband and moved into our own little bungalow and I am learning more about of her betrayals. I\'m so angry at her - that I would rather she just stay at her fathers right now. The betrayals were just things I thought were between her and I. However, she has clearly been talking to him. So now I can\'t help but wonder, does she really want to be with me or her father. Then is she using us against each other. Is she using these things to drive a wedge between her father and I. There is absolutely no reason to, I have no intentions of going back to him. And I hate that fact that I really don\'t want her around right now. I have been so hurt over the last 13 years that I have no room for \"negatives\" in my life any more.
I feel so bad for even putting this into words. Please help me. Why do I feel this way? Am I ever gonna be able to trust any one again? I feel I have enemies surrounding me and that I can\'t trust a single soul. I\'m even afraid that what I say on here is gonna be judged so severely that I will never come back.
posted 11/28/11 - - - My husband has been a bully for a long time. Unfortunately, it took me 14 years to freakin realize it. Three weeks ago, we had what I considered a very amicable discussion as to how to handle our assets, child visitations, and the outstanding loans. Today, he thru a monkey wrench in the works. I\'ve been on an emotional roller coaster all day. Instead of re-couping from my surgery last week (the day before Thanksgiving of all days) - I was back and forth on the phone with him - arguing. I can\'t wait for the day where I can to him \"talk to my attorney\". Unfortunately, I do not see that anytime soon. I have no money (due to my move) - can\'t afford food let alone any Christmas presents for my daughter. This is the lowest I\'ve ever been - and it\'s been one of the reasons why I never left him. I was always afraid to do it on my own. I finally got to my breaking point - I sure hope I can do this. I\'ll just keep repeating - I think i can - I think I can - I think I can. Until I finally do.
Thanks for reading my rambling. Xanax has finally taken over and I think I need to go to sleep.
Good night everyone - I\'ll talk to you tomorrow.
Please feel free to leave words of wisdom. I really could use some right about now.
posted 11/16/11 - - - It just hit me. In 4 days I am leaving the house that we picked out to raise our family and grow old together in. He gets the house and I get the boot.
Not taking this well right this very minute. I have been so damn strong over the last 6 weeks. So why does it have to hit me now.
REALLY??????
What am I crying over. He left me emotionally years ago. He did what ever he wanted and left sitting home alone for years. He degraded me - wore me down to a nothing. He took all of my self confidence and flushed it down the toilet. He ordered me around like his personal secretary, whore, maid and nanny.
Ok, so it\'s not him thats bothering me.
It\'s the stinking house.
How do I get thru the emotionally attachment that I have with my house? This is a wierd one. Maybe - maybe not.
Please give me some emotional support over this one. I am being a little over dramatic? Or is this a normal reaction?