Conversation with my stepdad
My stepdad and I have always been close, but in the past year or so we have grown distant as I have made choices he does not approve of (becoming an atheist, going on disability, etc). I understand that he cares about my future and that disability is going to hurt my chances of employment in the future, but it's better than being dead. I've been talking to him just a bit these past couple days, but I've been hiding my true level of depression. I tried talking to him about it a bit last night, saying I needed to be in the hospital, but he just said that would delay me dealing with what I need to deal with. He called it a "vacation from life". Yes, in a way it is a vacation from life, but when I'm swallowing dangerous pills and drinking, it's a "vacation" that's needed. I was talking to my old friend Jimmy the other day (when I still felt horrid) and I was saying "yes, please put me in the hospital and drug me out of my mind so I don't have to feel".
I'm doing better, but I just feel this huge schism opening between my stepdad and I. I have known him since I was a little kid. He and my mom broke up about 10 years ago, but he and I still keep in contact a couple times a week. I talk to him more than I talk to anyone in my family, including my mom. He has "adopted" my brother and I. He sends me money when I need it to help pay rent, when I was in LA he would bring me food so I could eat. My brother lives in one of my stepdad's houses, and my stepdad does all the huge lot of yardwork. My stepdad has taken care of us for a long time, and he means a lot to me... I'm scared that this schism will open wider and wider and I won't be as close to him anymore.
I know I can help by telling my stepdad exactly what's going on, but I'm dealing with a large deal of shame over my pseudo-suicide attempt. I just don't know.
I'm doing better, but I just feel this huge schism opening between my stepdad and I. I have known him since I was a little kid. He and my mom broke up about 10 years ago, but he and I still keep in contact a couple times a week. I talk to him more than I talk to anyone in my family, including my mom. He has "adopted" my brother and I. He sends me money when I need it to help pay rent, when I was in LA he would bring me food so I could eat. My brother lives in one of my stepdad's houses, and my stepdad does all the huge lot of yardwork. My stepdad has taken care of us for a long time, and he means a lot to me... I'm scared that this schism will open wider and wider and I won't be as close to him anymore.
I know I can help by telling my stepdad exactly what's going on, but I'm dealing with a large deal of shame over my pseudo-suicide attempt. I just don't know.
Replies
soundsd like you have a good realationshipwith him.. why cant you keep that going.. if he truely loves you then nothing can come between you.. older people just dont get this depression thing or bp thing.. my mom doesnt get it either.. she always tellsme .marie you have such a wonderful life and husband what do you have to be so depressed about. wtf..tell him you are afraid of losing him because you love him so much.. or maybe buy him a book on depression. so he can read up on it.. one more day till your appt. hang in there.. hugs ..love marie
It would be nice if I could talk to him... There are no books that cover what I am because what I have diagnosed doesn\'t cover my symptoms. Nobody really knows why the things are happening the way they are in my head. I get some of the rarest hallucinations- visual, tactile (feeling stuff) and olfactory (smell) and that just baffles doctors. I\'ve had EEGs and MRIs and my brain is fine- but still going haywire.
You just have to sit doun and try to explain it. Start out with, You know I love you and this is hard for me, because to be honest, I don\'t understnd it myself, but the doctors diagnosed me wilth Bipolar disorder, it is more commonly know as manic depressive disorder, that means I get very depressed, but then I also get very manic at times. Go on to explain each facet of the disorder, explain the PTSD, which is what BPD is, if he was in the war, any war, he will understand PTSD, trust me on this. Larissa, if he loves you, and sounds like he does, you and he will still have a great relationship, I think he is scared for you hun, he is worried that if you go in the hospital you will be \"marked\" for life. He is \"affraid\" that if you go on disability you will be throwing you whole life away. You need to sit down with him girl. \"Lucy, you got some \'splan\'in to do!\" You need to reasure him that you CAN go on SSDI an then when you are mentally able, you can return to the work force, this is just temporary income untill you are mentally healthy enough to return to work. You WANT to return to work, you are just having some serious mental health problems right now and are trying to get healthy again so you can survive, and as soon as possible, you are going to go back to work, this is ONLY TEMPORARY. Good Luck and God Bless you, Michael
Hey there Michael! It\'s hard for my stepdad to understand me because we come from such different places in life. He also doesn\'t know about the abuse I went through. He understands I have PTSD from my dad\'s suicide, but he doesn\'t know about the years and years of physical, mental, and sexual abuse. I have my own reasons of keeping this from him. He was never in a war, but he seems to understand my PTSD.
It\'s just hard... he has had a pretty good life, and when I was living with him, I got a taste of that good life. When I lived with my dad, we lived in the ghetto, with gangs and things constantly being set on fire outside. He talks about things like keeping my credit good when I haven\'t had the money to pay any of my credit card bills or school loans in a year. My credit is beyond shot, and he keeps saying how I shouldn\'t bounce a check because it will affect my credit. He knows I have no money, am constantly struggling to pay rent and get food... he must know on some level that I can\'t pay my non-essentials. But the idea is so hard for him to accept.
I had a talk with him about me going on disability in the first place a couple weeks ago, and tried to explain how bad my disorders are, and how I need to get help before I can work again. I do really want to work... I worked my ass off to get my Bachelors degree, and I want to get my Masters. But first, I need to get my mind settled so I can do these things. He understood that, which was good, but I\'m still running into his prejudice about things like jobs and money.