Continue 7 yrs almost 8 yrs, Never Thought it was Possible
Thank you moms for your support, I wouldn't be here doing as well if I didn't have you. I am not much of a writer, I'm mostly a listener..But when I read regular FB and one of my friends who are screaming inside their soul with a shattered heart, how do we pick up the pieces to help a friend??? It takes us older moms who have been through the same excruciating pain, especially the 1st 3yrs...That is about the time I said to myself, I can't take it anymore, at that turning point I had to decide if I wanted to go and be with Ryan, or do I want to stay and be with my daughter, family and my friends.. For me it was the 3rd year when I had time behind me. Hind site 20/20, well I don't know if it will ever be 20/20 after losing a child, my mind & body was mush, Crazy so I thought..Until I realized I was gonna end up in a nut house, I'd rather die then to be in a nut house.. So that was the beginning of my journey to want to live again, now that itself takes time to learn to live with "MYSELF" without my son. Man, now living with myself is what is the hardest part. Anyone agree with this! OMG, building my self essteme, my sensitivity, dealing with other people's actions which I need to not take seriously. We become a new person trying to build a solid foundation, pick up the pieces where we left off.. Organizing everything not perfection, but progress.. Nothing is important to me like it use to be... I love people they bring the best out in me. Helping others is another plus.. Now material things are no longer an issue. Well sometime I forget and go on a shopping spree, but I've learned to keep the price tags on cuz a week later I can return the Shit I don't need... When I want something and can't have it is the worst emotion ever.. Don't go there anymore... Only what I need is ok with me.. SO to me if I am not spiritually fit, my mind and body feels good, if I think and worry and want, I can't move..So with that note I need to stop at this until I get my day going... We had a snow storm last night it is clean white snow and cold... I accept it but my mind and body doesn't, from the middle of Jan thru March is when I get depressed, well now with Ryan's angel date is in April its a very long winter. Now I am babbling on, LOL Special Hugs to you all today, Love Kelly
Replies
I\'m glad you chose when the time was right for you. You and Ryan are very special to me I hope you know how much! I love you and Barbara would be so proud of you for reaching out your hand to those behind you on this journey! Hugs and love! Kyle told me to tell you Hi as he thinks of you and Ryan often!
Kelly, you have chosen to grow, evolve and help others on this journey. I feel as you described; I feel I need to find out whom I am since I have no living child to mother. Somehow I must reinvent myself. As you said, its a choice to rejoin the living. And reaching out to other moms helps. I am proud of you and I know Ryan is proud of his mom. Love you, Linda
Dear Kelly: I was like you it was the first 3 yearsI was having panic attacks, such dispair, I thought how can I keep on like this. ((I have no family they are all dead) accept a sister we are not close. I had my husband but he was working then retired. I finelly went and saw therpist. Got some Proac, and xanax I had to I was suffering clinical depression due to what I went through almost 14 years with my daughter and the Lupus. It was so sad. Bujt anyway my life changed forever and I have changed forever. But I do walk. I just started back I had my first surgery ever so sick. all I did was think of what my poor daughter went through and so young. Bless your angel Ryan, hugs Mary Ann.
I am more of a listener than a writer too. This is the most I have communicated ever and let my true feelings out. On this site it is easy to do that because I know I will not be judged and I know I will feel comfort from all the wonderful ladies on it. Love you all, Connie
Progression not Perfection one of our wonderful 12 step slogans that I carry within me always and know too that this is the path we are on.
Your reaching out does matter as do YOU and heart language is universal so it always is so very clear to me what you are describing.
As hard as it is and almost a \"foreign\" language to read for the moms in the earliest days of grief the seeds are scattered that it won\'t always feel as it does when we first began this walk. That is what your last two journals have been for me and I know for others as well.
Keep sharing when you feel the nudge as it is sorely needed as you offer HOPE in the darkness of despair that healing is a promise for everyone and not just a unique few. It is happening, will happen and the timetable is as unique as we are.
Trusting in the process of healing and finding our ways back to ourselves is the path and becomes our life\'s work, doesn\'t it?
With love and gratitude for your sharing,
XO Joanie
I am not sure when the turning point for me came but it did and you are so right we have to find a way to live with the pain. We have to build a new life for ourselves brick by brick - so very slowly. Life is very much better than the alternative - I know I am not ready to join Billy yet - so much more I want/need to do. It is in helping others that we are really helping ourselves. Hugs, Ann
I love you Kelly. My whole being LOVES you!
It\'s so true that in reaching out and helping others...when we can\'t even see any hope for ourselves...brings great healing. I think you have to give to receive. And what you give is what you receive. YOU give so much love and compassion. I pray you feel the love and compassion we all have for you!!
Love to Ryan!!
I think you\'re a great writer. You\'ve shared such insight how we have all felt and how one day we decide to participate in life again. I think I decided a little earlier maybe in the second year but that\'s what is so great....we are all unique. My heart breaks for the new moms. I wish I could fast forward a video for them so they would know that they would always feel the way they do now. We just have to reach out like you say and do our best to lead and guide them. Thank you for your friendship. Much love. Robin
I absolutely adore and love you, Kelly, you know that, right? I always love to read your journals and I can hear your voice as I read them. Like you, I did not come back to life until my 3rd year. The first two are a blur, but somewhere along the lines in year 3, I laughed again and it was a real one without guilt for laughing. Now, here I am going on year 6 and life is bearable. Yep, I miss Michael. Yep, I cry. Yes, I think of him multiple times a day but this is my life now, my \"normal\" that I have come to accept over the years and weave into who I am now. I love you, Kell. I hope I see you in Tahoe
Peace.
Your words of \"When I want something and can\'t have it is the worst emotion ever.. \" Are the truest words I\'ve ever heard. Wanting is suffering. When I want Jason to be alive physically and know that it can\'t happen is when I\'m the at my lowest emotionally. The Buddhist say we should desire only to be desirerless -- it\'s the only road to peace. Not an easy task.
Love the idea of indulging and then returning it if there are regrets, sounds like a fun thing to do.
Big Hugs,
Terry
How did I miss this? I know your journal will be helpful to the moms who are newcomers to FMO. You said it so well. We have the choice of living or not. I certainly did feel hopeless but could not hurt my remaining family. I chose life and most days, it is pretty good. Part of the reason I travel is to see sunshine in the winter. I get really depressed in the winter. The sun is shining now but the temperature is frigid! Roll on spring.
Hugs, Marlene