Contemplating
So I joined an online support group. That's a good step isn't it? I have been so sad lately. As with any new journal, I introduce myself to you (journal). My name is Jennifer I'm 30 years old and live in Jamestown NY. I grew up in Southern Indiana and moved to NY in June 2003. I am married and have been for almost 8 years. I have an eight year old daughter and one on the way (due next June). I've been struggling with depression since I was 15. Now since I'm pregnant, I can't take my Zoloft or my Wellbutrin. That in addition to the hormones is making me a wreck. I have a very stressful job. I am a registered nurse. I work in a 130 bed nursing home. I am the building supervisor on the night shift, so my normal working hours are 11PM to 7AM. On nights that I have to run a unit and the building I go in an hour earlier, so I'm really working 10PM to 730ishAM. I'm also salaried, so I'm only paid for 7.5 hours per day no matter how long I'm working or how many different jobs I am doing. It is so incredibly stressful, and on top of this pregnancy and relationship problems life is becoming unbearable. I had an affair off and on that has spanned the last couple of years. I fell in love with a much older man. I just couldn't commit to him because I was afraid of what our life would be like, and deep down I knew I was doing something wrong. That was my first major affair, but not the first time I have cheated. I am not a faithful person, but I expect him to be. I know its a silly double standard. Now he doesn't trust me at all. He hasn't forgiven me for the affair, he still treats me like I'm worthless. He is always checking up on me. I have given him the option of divorce. I don't want to be the one to file, but I told him that if he files I won't fight it. I don't think he will though. Without me he has nothing. He is legally blind, he can see well enough to hold down a job, but he cannot drive. I have the better education, I'm the bread winner, the house is in my name, I pay all the bills. The list goes on. I've always been the one to push him to do things. Before our daughter was born, he was living with his parents. I helped him look for and secure an apartment for us to live in. He was unemployed at that time so I made him get a job. After I got my nursing job I made him quit his job, because he wouldn't stop complaining about it. About a year ago I made him get a job again because all he would do is sit around the house and play video games and whine.
When I told my husband I was pregnant with our second child he was visibly upset. He asked me if the baby is his, which it is. He asked me if I was going to get an abortion (I'm pro-choice). I said I didn't know. I told him I would if it would fix us and I made an appointment at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Buffalo for a week later. After I made the appointment, he was so nice to me. Hugs and kisses, laughter, it was like our lives were back to normal. About mid week he told me that this is my body and should be my decision. I decided to keep the baby. I cancelled my abortion appointment and found an OB. That was October 22... ever since he has been so distant. He won't talk to me, he won't touch me, he's so distant. I just want to scream at him to talk to me and tell me what's wrong and what I can do to fix it.
He's worried the baby will be born deformed or have some other problem. He's worried I'm going to make him do all the raising of the kids while I sit on my ass. He's worried I'll leave him for someone else. I also had really bad post partum depression, he's worried that's going to come back, which is a valid concern, but I've been through it once, I know what to expect now and I know that I can't do it alone.
Remember when I said I made him do everything? He also thinks I push to do things because I think that's going fix our marriage and make us happy. Everything from the first apartment, to a house, to adopting a dog (totally for him because he grew up with animals and wanted a dog and I didn't). Now apparently I only want a baby because I think it's going to fix everything like magic. He acts like I wasn't even present when our daughter was a baby. He talks like he did all the work and it makes me sick.
I can't even look at him. Every time I try he shoots me down. I left for work early last night and spent 45 minutes driving in circles on the interstate hoping a deer would jump out in front of me and make me wreck my car. Maybe that's what's going to "fix" everything. Sometimes I think he would be so much better off if I wasn't around,
When I told my husband I was pregnant with our second child he was visibly upset. He asked me if the baby is his, which it is. He asked me if I was going to get an abortion (I'm pro-choice). I said I didn't know. I told him I would if it would fix us and I made an appointment at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Buffalo for a week later. After I made the appointment, he was so nice to me. Hugs and kisses, laughter, it was like our lives were back to normal. About mid week he told me that this is my body and should be my decision. I decided to keep the baby. I cancelled my abortion appointment and found an OB. That was October 22... ever since he has been so distant. He won't talk to me, he won't touch me, he's so distant. I just want to scream at him to talk to me and tell me what's wrong and what I can do to fix it.
He's worried the baby will be born deformed or have some other problem. He's worried I'm going to make him do all the raising of the kids while I sit on my ass. He's worried I'll leave him for someone else. I also had really bad post partum depression, he's worried that's going to come back, which is a valid concern, but I've been through it once, I know what to expect now and I know that I can't do it alone.
Remember when I said I made him do everything? He also thinks I push to do things because I think that's going fix our marriage and make us happy. Everything from the first apartment, to a house, to adopting a dog (totally for him because he grew up with animals and wanted a dog and I didn't). Now apparently I only want a baby because I think it's going to fix everything like magic. He acts like I wasn't even present when our daughter was a baby. He talks like he did all the work and it makes me sick.
I can't even look at him. Every time I try he shoots me down. I left for work early last night and spent 45 minutes driving in circles on the interstate hoping a deer would jump out in front of me and make me wreck my car. Maybe that's what's going to "fix" everything. Sometimes I think he would be so much better off if I wasn't around,
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