Constantly thinking...
First off, I would like to thank all of you for your sweet words and kind thoughts. I would say it definitely helps having such a supportive group of wonderful women, who know what I am going through. So thank you to all of you!
I know I have been a little MIA on here this week but I still read your updates and journals, I'm happy for all of you that are pregnant and I'm thinking of those are either starting the IVF process or in the middle. I might be envious but I am truly happy for each and every one of you. Everyone deserves their little miracle, right?
As for now, my brain just won't shut off. I tell myself that I need to get it together, I need to start working out again & focus on getting healthy but yet I just sit there doing research after research, searching for any kind of hope that this can't be real or that I can hopefully have a child with my own eggs. My husband and I have already decided we need to get focused on us and our health when we first found out that none of our embryos made it to day 6. Now it's like where do you go from there? I'm stubborn and possibly in denial and want to do IVF again, just to confirm for a fact that it won't work. We did have one lil embie that made it to early blastocyst but arrested on day 6, so that and the fact that the doctor didn't say it was 100% that I couldn't conceive with my own eggs has me holding on. I know it's still so soon but when do you decide to give up hope on your body and decide to go the DE route? Granted, none of this won't happen until next year and I don't need to rush my decision but I'm so torn and I can't stop thinking about it. Do we spend another $15k for something that may or may not work or do you use that towards DE? I have a really hard time knowing that the child that I bring into this world will not have any of my characteristics and I'm worried that is something that I won't be able to get over? I've read so many articles and forums saying that you do get past it but then you have the whole other issue of telling your child and not telling them. I worry that the child will bond with my husband more than me because it'll genetically be his and not mine. These are all things that keep running through my brain and as much as I try to stop, something comes up and it starts all over again.
I know I have been a little MIA on here this week but I still read your updates and journals, I'm happy for all of you that are pregnant and I'm thinking of those are either starting the IVF process or in the middle. I might be envious but I am truly happy for each and every one of you. Everyone deserves their little miracle, right?
As for now, my brain just won't shut off. I tell myself that I need to get it together, I need to start working out again & focus on getting healthy but yet I just sit there doing research after research, searching for any kind of hope that this can't be real or that I can hopefully have a child with my own eggs. My husband and I have already decided we need to get focused on us and our health when we first found out that none of our embryos made it to day 6. Now it's like where do you go from there? I'm stubborn and possibly in denial and want to do IVF again, just to confirm for a fact that it won't work. We did have one lil embie that made it to early blastocyst but arrested on day 6, so that and the fact that the doctor didn't say it was 100% that I couldn't conceive with my own eggs has me holding on. I know it's still so soon but when do you decide to give up hope on your body and decide to go the DE route? Granted, none of this won't happen until next year and I don't need to rush my decision but I'm so torn and I can't stop thinking about it. Do we spend another $15k for something that may or may not work or do you use that towards DE? I have a really hard time knowing that the child that I bring into this world will not have any of my characteristics and I'm worried that is something that I won't be able to get over? I've read so many articles and forums saying that you do get past it but then you have the whole other issue of telling your child and not telling them. I worry that the child will bond with my husband more than me because it'll genetically be his and not mine. These are all things that keep running through my brain and as much as I try to stop, something comes up and it starts all over again.
Replies
I think this is completely normal in this situation. I would be the same way. As far as shutting your brain off, it\'s something that\'s very hard to do. I know this sounds silly but have you tried meditation? It works for me when I really need to clear my head. All your feelings are completely validated. And I know that decision of using your own eggs vs donor has got to be a huge one. I know it\'s not that same.. but I wanted to do donor sperm with IUI and my DH was against it. I thought the percentages with IVF were not high enough, too expensive, and there was no way I would be lucky enough for it to work but in the end it did. I would have a talk with your doctor about trying again and using your eggs and see what his thoughts are. Even if it costs another 15K, in the end, it\'s money. Hang in there. Sending you a huge hug!!
I hope LMWT weighs in because she had a very similar experience and is now pregnant with twins that started off as donor eggs. I think your desire to try again with your own eggs is totally normal, and I\'d frankly be a little bit perplexed if you were already ready to go flying into donor land with guns blazing. At this point I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get a second opinion.
By the way, you are a saint for cheering everyone on still. I need to take a lesson from you and stop being so wrapped up in my own misery that I can\'t be happy for anyone else.
I am sure that you have a ton on your mind, I think doing research, and thinking of all of your options is great! It may be a good idea to try for another round with your own eggs. If it works, fantastic. And if not, it may help to guide your next steps. You will have the energy one day to get back on a healthy track, but for now there is nothing wrong with just being upset. I\'m sure if you get to the stage of doing DE, you will feel very good about it. All of those thoughts and worries will be resolved. It\'s just too new now.
I admire your ability to offer support to those that have gone on to have their happy days. It is so hard to see, even with those that have previously struggled. But there you are, offering support and cheers. You are kind, strong, and supportive. I hope you know I am here cheering you on, wishing you well and thinking about you all the time.
We TTC for 6.5 years. For us... they couldn\'t find anything wrong. Ryan and I produced like rabbits under a microscope but nothing would take in me. We had two losses in that time too. I think I got to the point where I could have been a mother to ANY child that came my way. We started looking into adoption, surrogacy, donors... all of that. I worried about surrogacy because I heard some DNA can cross and I worried for the well being of the surrogate - pregnancy can be dangerous. Basically there was no perfect answer but I think infertility opened my eyes to the possibilities. I have 4 frozen embryos right now and we are SERIOSULY considering donating a few to couples we have met along the way in the same boat we are. I know they would \"technically\" be raising my child but I can\'t explain the joy and excitement I would feel for them. I would go the donor egg route, without hesitation, But that\'s just me. As hard as it is, give yourself time. After my failed IVF we waited 7 months before doing anything else.
Sorry this comment got LONG!
Like KDeezy said, I was in the same spot as you once and am now pregnant with twins that started as DE\'s. And I have 4 more frozen for later if we choose.
My vote would be for you to go and get a second opinion before you decide one way or another. And when you do decided, it will be whats best for you and DH. Follow your gut!
Fresh eyes on your case may help. My first IVF we transferred two alright looking embies, one took but it ended in miscarriage. At that point my doc mentioned, hey maybe its your eggs. But I was only 29 (turned 30 2 weeks after mc)... no way in hell I was going to listen to that!
We did get a second opinion and decided on surgery (which they found endo and a septum) and moved onto a new fresh IVF with the second doc. We thought, great this is our chance. Everything is good to go and nice and cleaned up. We were on a little more of an aggressive protocol. We got pregnant the first time, so this will definitely work. Well it was a slap in the face when the lab called with my fert report saying everything that was mature fertilized, but almost instantly stalled. They watched them for almost a week and nothing made it much past 4 cells! I was devastated. At that point the doc said, I think its your eggs. Went back to original doc and he said, I think it is your eggs. That\'s when we decided if we wanted to do another cycle, we had to go the donor route. I really wanted to experience pregnancy etc. But it took me 6 months before I could really even look at donors. Then we hit the ground running!
Not a day goes by that we are not thankful for our donor, but I barely think of her when it comes to these boys. They are mine 100%.
They will not be yours genetically but they will be your biologically. Your body gives them life and your body even pics our what genes will be expressed or not. And personality wise, they will still be able to pick up your laugh, your quirks anything about your personality. And you will be able to bond with them more than your husband because you are the one who will carry them. They will listen to your heart and breathing and voice and all those things will be comfort to them after they are born.
You do not need to make a decision now and whatever one you do, will become the right path. If you ever want any more info or to vent or anything, you know where to find me.
There is also and IVF with donor egg group on here. Its not very active, but you still may be able to find some great resources on there from past discussions.
((HUGS))
Oh sweetie I am so sorry your mind won\'t give you a break..i say you need to get a get a second opinion and if you want to try IVF with your own eggs one more time the go for it, it may work, Doctors don\'t know everything! I decided to use a donor after 5 m/c\'s and pathetically low odds on IVF success with my own eggs, but it wasn\'t an easy decision and i still struggle with it to this day but at the end of the day all I want is to experience a healthy full term pregnancy and be a Mother and DE is my best shot at that becoming a reality but I totally get how hard it is to give up the idea of a biological child UGH I wish things could be different for you!! XO
A curse of being a woman is not being able to turn our brains off, especially when we\'d most like to :/ I think a second opinion is in order. Another pair of eyes might see something your RE didn\'t or have other suggestions and ideas. But give it some time, if you need. Your heart and brain are still healing, still working through your situation. You\'ll *know* when the right time to do anything is, and what that something is.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Your support for all of us has shown what a large and caring heart you have -- qualities that will make you an excellent mother, qualities that your future kiddos will inherit, regardless of whether they\'re genetically yours. Children learn what they live, and yours will learn to be strong, supportive, and compassionate.
*HUGS*