Constant Cylce of Pain.. :'(
Today has been one of those days where I just stopped and thought about how different things could be.. and I shouldn't have. I've been unbelievably upset today. I think that bad pain days are harder to deal with when they're after a really good one - I stayed out late with my friends and boyfriend last night and was just so happy and felt really good but then I went home and went to bed, and when I woke up I paid for that good night. I started crying because my whole body ached so much and pretty much have been all day. No matter how hard I try it won't go away, and everything is looking so hopeless right now..
I don't think I'm depressed, but I've just felt so unhappy about life for the past couple months. My hopes of ever having this pain managed are just about gone. And right now it seems like the only thing that does make me happy is to be around my boyfriend which is as annoying as hell because I've always considered myself a very independent person and now it's like I have to be with him 24/7 to even be mentally stable. I guess because he actually makes me feel normal and gets my mind off the fact that I hurt so much. My parents are working all the time and I never get to see the few friends that I have, so he's the only thing that cheers me up. I hate being so codependent. -_- I've already been SOOO emotional recently..( Probably been the mixture of teenage hormones and new meds) But it's getting out of control. I've been on the phone with Daniel for a couple hours (my boyfriend) and then when he left just now I started crying again because I remembered my legs were hurting and I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.
And it's like this contant cycle of things that cause pain; today was a good example: I woke up with major leg weakness and neck pain so I went to lay on heating pads and take a nap. The way I laid then messed up my stomach acid and hurt the lacerations I have from the ulcers. It caused me to throw up a bunch and it freaked me out, thus causing a panic attack. (Right when I though that maybe they've stopped) Which caused major chest pain for the remainder of the day. Not to mention more stress, which generally causes an increase in pain. It's like I can't get away from it.. Right when I get rid of it, even if it's olnly for an hour or so, it finds its way back just as fast.
Have two appointments this week. If they don't help I honestly don't know what I'll do. I can't deal with this all alone anymore. I've tried so hard but I'm on the verge of breaking down. I've always dealt with this as it comes and not tried to worry too much about what the future willl bring, or why it was me that this had to happen to. But you know, lately I can honestly say that I've been asking the world what I did to deserve this.
And I've missed out on so much because of my SM.. I can't forgive myself for it..
... Fuck. :'(
I don't think I'm depressed, but I've just felt so unhappy about life for the past couple months. My hopes of ever having this pain managed are just about gone. And right now it seems like the only thing that does make me happy is to be around my boyfriend which is as annoying as hell because I've always considered myself a very independent person and now it's like I have to be with him 24/7 to even be mentally stable. I guess because he actually makes me feel normal and gets my mind off the fact that I hurt so much. My parents are working all the time and I never get to see the few friends that I have, so he's the only thing that cheers me up. I hate being so codependent. -_- I've already been SOOO emotional recently..( Probably been the mixture of teenage hormones and new meds) But it's getting out of control. I've been on the phone with Daniel for a couple hours (my boyfriend) and then when he left just now I started crying again because I remembered my legs were hurting and I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.
And it's like this contant cycle of things that cause pain; today was a good example: I woke up with major leg weakness and neck pain so I went to lay on heating pads and take a nap. The way I laid then messed up my stomach acid and hurt the lacerations I have from the ulcers. It caused me to throw up a bunch and it freaked me out, thus causing a panic attack. (Right when I though that maybe they've stopped) Which caused major chest pain for the remainder of the day. Not to mention more stress, which generally causes an increase in pain. It's like I can't get away from it.. Right when I get rid of it, even if it's olnly for an hour or so, it finds its way back just as fast.
Have two appointments this week. If they don't help I honestly don't know what I'll do. I can't deal with this all alone anymore. I've tried so hard but I'm on the verge of breaking down. I've always dealt with this as it comes and not tried to worry too much about what the future willl bring, or why it was me that this had to happen to. But you know, lately I can honestly say that I've been asking the world what I did to deserve this.
And I've missed out on so much because of my SM.. I can't forgive myself for it..
... Fuck. :'(
Replies
I have days like that too...hang in there Emily. Don\'t blame yourself, you did nothing to cause it...no need to hold a grudge and not forgive your self.
Emily do you have a person such as a therapist where you can talk about how you feel, where possibly you could find a way to find times or things to do that you are ok being alone without your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is the person who seems to be there at this time when you are going through so much. You have been hit by a train and you need help. A metaphor, so in order to learn to heal you medical attention. It a metaphor. If you are in therapy and it not working you probably want to find something else that does feel right. They have Groups and maybe that might be you style. Have you told your parents and family how you are truely feeling. I was all alone when I had so many issues so deal with and I only had myself to figure all my emotions out by myself., I ended up have severe anxiety attacks and at the end at eightten was unable to go out my home and room for months. I also had a mother who had CP and was her caregiver from 7th grade to graduation of highschool and was addicted to narcotics. I got chrontic Pain in early to mid twenties. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk. If I am on my computer I will answer you. your parents even though they are working should know how dependent you feel, I think if she is a decent persons she would want to know what\'s going on with you. Depression and anxiety is pretty common
Thank you guys..
I was in therapy but I hated going so I stopped because I thought I would be fine without it, but I\'m obviously not so I suppose I need to start going back as soon as my schedule allows it. I\'ve talked to my mom about it today but she works a lot so I don\'t get to very often.. She wants me to go back too.