Consistancy
Just thinking how nothing I ever do is finished. I start on here for a few days then lose my inspiration. The three journals I started at the first of the month haven't been written in in over a week. I just don't have the energy to pick up the pen. I went to the doctor and my therapist, They both seemed disappointed in me. I could see it in their face. They look very concerned. My psychiatrist even suggested I sign up for disability. That made me sad because I am in school to be a teacher. How am I going to be a teacher and I cant function. So I haven't been able to do an assignment. I only have been sleeping. I am so miserable and empty, and hollow I hate being like this. I used to be so carefree and fun to be around, now I don't even want to be around myself. My girls have been acting better, being nice to me, and talking to me. But I still have a void and I still am very sad and unsure of my direction.
Replies
I share the same thoughts. My mom, when she was alive, was a Master chef, and I learned all kinds of things and I love to cook. I barely have the motivation to eat let alone cook. My wife is a selfish, horrible woman who mostly cares about herself. She is much better after i threatened to leave her, but i still have that same void, feeling empty. My kids are only reason i keep going. i am injured in numerous ways, and was on Anitrypalene (or however you spell it) and it was causing mild hallucinations, so they took me off of it. Now I talk to myself constantly, and I am still going to work, but my mind wont shut off. My 9 medications are holding their own, but barely. I now have to start with a psychiatrist. i cant sleep because my mind will not turn off ever. I sleep 3-4 hours max a night, until the weekends or i collapse. You are not alone.
rexmasters ...I am on a med that breaks up my thinking so that I can\'t keep thinking in circles ..my head would never shut up ...so I can\'t think of my problems all the time .....the only thing is that I have to axcept ..the sidefect of having short turn memory loss ...so when I am talking to someone o will just forget what I am talking about ...so I have to ask what I was saying and than I can continue .....but it is that or the nut house for me .......you could ask your doctor about somthing like that ..............................................................................I seam to do the same thing ..I can\'t seam to rite in my jurnal all the time ....not sure why ...sometimes I forget sometimes I don\'t feel up to it ....but ...the thing is to try .....so you can get things out ....and if you have a good ...thing to shair that is good for you to .........I have seen that look in my doctors eyes ..but I think ..we are not seeing ..disipointment ...in us ....just plain ...disipointment ...that ..what they are doing for us isent doing ...what they would of hoped ....can you imagin being a doctor seeing all of us ..trying everything available to them ...with all they know .....to help us .....and ...we do not bad for a while and than we come in one day and it is like we just want ..back ..wards ...they have to rethink ...how they are going to treat us ..........it is like we are in the fish tank ..and they are on the outside ...they have to look after us ....they do there best with what they know and with what ..they are provided ....so ....disipoimentment ..yes ....but not in us ...in it all .in the desease ......in there limits ....in the meds limits ....in us if we stop taking our meds ...and relaps but that is a nother part of the desease ....don\'t beat your self up ...and if ..your doctor telles you to go for disability ...he doesent say that lightly ....you schould think about it .......belive me when I say ....I know the disipointment ...of not being able to go out in the world a do what it is you want to do ......I have been there .....with my migrains and depreshion I have not been able to hold dowen a job ...not even weaiting tables .....I wanted so much more ....for the longest time I would look through the papers to see what jobes there were ...see what I could do ...I finaly had to relize that that just wasent going to happen for me ......so than I thought I could ..volunteer ....well turnes out I can\'t even do that ..they only want you if you can come in the same times ...each weak I can\'t do that .....so ...I did some babysitting ...here and ther ..and was a stay at home mom ..witch I loved ....there is a place for you ...you will find it ...but right now you need to look after you ....it is just that simple ....and I know so hard .......but you are stronger than you think .....we are strong people to go through what we go through ............keep fighting keep talking ....leave the past in the past ware it belongs .....don\'t worry about the future it will take care of its self ....live in the moment ....live one day at a time ....and tomorow is always a new day .......if you have things you want to do right them dowen ...and concentrat on one thing at a time .and cross it off ..when it is done .......other wise you will just be overwhelmed ......take very good care of your self ...be kind to your self .....God bless ......
sorry that this was so long ...I hope it was ok ...I hope that I have not upset you in any way because that was not my intention .....I keep you in my prayers ...God bless