considering failure - profanity warning

a thread on the board has me twitchy and slipping into a blue funk. failing, feeling like i'm failing...not being "normal" or not living up to my potential has screwed my ability to remain in touch with EVERYONE from life before my first hospitalisation. failure and shame...they shouldn't be an issue. i know that in my head, but i get stuck feeling worthless and like i can't or won't succeed at anything since i've not managed more than 6 months of stability since then. now...those thoughts are creeping back - what other people must think about the mess of my life; how it must look. whether i am making excuses, making a "bigger deal" of my mood disorder than i should, whether i've trapped myself and if i could pull myself back to "normal" if i really wanted to. i really do hate the idea of "normal" what the fuck is that anyway?.
i hate this feeling, and now i'm wanting to cry. shit - sometimes the boards have a way of sucking all positive feeling away. i was doing pretty well today, now i want to curl up and try to keep the bad thoughts at bay. fuck.