Confussed

When I met my husband 8 years ago I would have never imagined that our lives would be changing so dramatically that I don't even know which side is up. He has always been loving, supportive, never argumentative and we just seemed perfect together. Until now, I never had any doubts. He may have seemed cold or closed off to others but never that way toward me or our daughters. After we had our daughter our sex life gradually went down hill yr after yr it was less and less. I always thought that he was no longer attracted to me because of my weight gain from having her. He legally adopted my two older daughters as his from a previous boyfriend. Anyway, last week he told me that he could not live like this anymore that he is bisexual and transgender. I suspected the bisexual but didn't really bother me since he was with me and we are married. I never had the fear that he would cheat on me with a man. Once he told me he is transgender I was heartbroken. He explained it to me but it is not something that is easy to come to terms with. I was worried that was the reason he no longer wanted to have sex is because he wants to be with men as a woman. He reassured me that that is not the case and that he would still want me even if he was to become a woman. I don't know if I will want him considering I'm not a lesbian I married a man for a reason. So he went to see a transgender support group last Thursday and came back feeling better about his decision to be up front with me about needing help. He then went to see a transgender therapist this week and back to group again. Yesterday he told me that he no longer wants be to call him my husband that it bothers him to be called that. Since that conversation I have cried multiple times because if he is not my husband then what is he to me certainly not my wife. I am the wife. I know I have to stay open minded about this but it just hit me really hard yesterday since I always tell him "I love you husband" and he would say "I love you too babe" almost everyday. Now I'm not allowed to say that anymore. Its not my fault he feels bad I just want my husband back, its like he's dead and gone forever. I can't even say that without crying. It makes me feel lost inside, like the person I feel in love with was all a lie. How am I suppose to accept everything I just don't understand why he feels this way. I know he wants to take hormonal drugs to change his appearance and wear woman's clothing which is also hard for me to accept but I am truly trying. I don't want to lose my husband but I know I already have.I'm trying to stay strong for our daughters sake because I don't really know when the right time to tell them there dad wants to look more like their mom. He looks so strong and masculine this is not something that I thought was an issue. I find him so attractive that I just want to jump his bones but to him that's insulting because he loathes his appearance to the point that he doesn't want to have sex with me or even look at himself. When he told me that yesterday it hurt me because all these years I've complimented him on his appearance and to him its like an insult so now I can no longer complement him and I don't know when he will feel comfortable enough with himself for me to do it again. I know its going to be a long road I just hope that I can stick it out. He has no one and either do I. We are each others rocks. I just wish that may marriage to the man  truly love with all my heart an soul was not so confusing.