confusing to say the least
Ok so heres the speel, stbx and i had a meeting to get some movement on this snail like divorce. It was cordial,{not at 1st} and we both agreed to some concilation. She is in the process of moving to an apartment in town and starting schooling, college. Goody for her Meanwhile we both agreed to auction off all non personal belongings and the house and 20 acres, to resolve as much debt as possible. Seems all that has been done for 15yrs is just gone in the bang of a gavle and that is very frustrating. Ive been living a lie for 15yrs and now have no idea of what truth really is. Am I wrong for still caring for her, nope. Am I wrong for being envious of her carefree Ill start all over attitude, Yes wish I could feel that way also. Ive probably shared these same feelings in past entries, sorry if Im boring you. I can not find the courage to even think about starting over, afterall, track record or history shows there is no need . Even if I were to manage a somewhat happy life Id surely find a way to make things go wrong. when I first came here I was crying, crying in pain for losing my marriage my wife, now I cry trying to realize why this happens. I have to find out why I hurt the ones I love. or I have to find out why I feel hurt by the ones I love when they walk away. Trischa Yearwood had a song a few years back entitled "WALKAWY JOE" think I might write one titled "STAY AWAY LADIES" a very sweet friend told me that I might ought to not have contact with the stbx, and that is very difficult to do. Just have to figure out how to make her presence in my life as insignificant as I am to her. I know blah blah blah sorry had to get it out somehow
Replies
Hey honey, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. This is not an easy process no matter what. And to have to take down the castle you built brick by brick is heartbreaking. You are a wonderful person and will find your way...I believe that. Time is what you need to heal. The most important thing that you wrote in your journal was the sentence, \"Just have to figure out how to make her presence in my life as insignificant as I am to her.\" It\'s not an easy road, but it is the high road. And don\'t ever apologize for getting it out, we are here to listen...we are your friends! xoxo
You know my dear friend (even if you won\'t let me check for scars! LOL) I believe that we discussed alot of this the other day. Just remember if you need me, just call me, I\'m available for you always.
I don\'t pull myself out of devastations easily...or appear strong and ok. I force it. I get stubborn and refuse to lay down and die, or cower in a corner while whoever has devastated me...goes on with their life never giving me or my feelings a second thought. Their smile motivates me to not fall apart.I refuse to give them the satisfaction of destroying me.I force myself to live and move forward and fight for myself to have more than I have given...because I know I deserve that. Depression is a hole that sucks you in. I get depressed in the beginning , but I realize if I don\'t claw my way out of the hole...I will forever fall into the dark pit...where there is NOTHING,nothing but the darkness to surround me and suck the life out of me.It isn\'t easy...you must get determined and each time you feel the tears well up, you must remember the fight you are in to survive...and get stubborn refusing to give in to the thoughts and memories that tear at you.Force yourself to think of things totally unrelated ..divert your attention to other things.Do you see what I\'m trying to say here Randy? You can choose a lifetime of tears, or a lifetime of smiles...you cannot change others or what they choose to do, but you can change the way you choose to react. No one can do it for you, only you can do it...FIGHT for your smiles ,don\'t give someone who crushed you and now is smiling and making happy plans for the future, the satisfaction of you shriveling up and dying...make your world even better...show her what she has lost and will never be deserving of again after what she has done...show her, yourself and the world just how great RANDY IS AND CAN BE !!! Go for your dreams...FIGHT!!
Don\'t look at yourself in the negative...see yourself in the positive.Force it if you must...but do it.
Don\'t write a song called\"STAY AWAY LADIES\", write a song called\"KEEP DROOLING LADIES\"!!
As far as keeping her in your life...Honestly, I think it is a bad idea...maybe years from now you two will meet again and things will be different then, but right now the wounds are too fresh and haven\'t healed...You can try to climb up all you want, but the minute you see her or hear her voice or get info about her or her name is mentioned...you will fall in the hole again. I know first hand this. You can\'t let go, that is why you will justify the need for contact now and then. If you truly want to survive this...let her go and understand what is not right now, does not mean NEVER...it is just NOW.
I think no contact with her is the best thing possible, as hard as it might be. And Randy, you are strong! Stop putting yourself down. You have to pick yourself up friend! And whether you want to move on or not... bottom line is.. you have to! Or you will be wasting precious time of your life. You can do this! Just surround yourself with people that care and support you and start to live life. The pain will fade over time. Do some reading.. or something to find out who you are w/o her. I\'m here if you need anything!
I think u sound like a wonderful caring man who puts a 100% into everything and u did ur marriage 2......u ever watch that film the Matrix where the real world we c is not wot is actually there, sometimes i feel that relationships r like this in that all we build up and seem 2 have together can b just an illusion cause if we split up then it all gets seperated and torn like r hearts and everything that seemed 2 b real and together and who;e was just a farce.....mwah