Confusion
How did things get this way? I just keep finding myself asking what I did wrong and when. I know- I can't be blamed for his actions. But what else am I supposed to think?? It doesn't make any sense. The things he does just aren't normal. Is he THAT messed up in the head?? Yesterday, he looked at porn again, and I SAW it on his computer screen. So, what does he do? Lie. Right to my face! I mean seriously- how can he sit there and say that my eyes didn't see what they saw?? For years he has made me out to be the crazy one- but it's actually him! He's mentally warped. This is very hard to understand for me. I just don't get it. I know that he is mentally ill. I've tried everything I can to get him to see how bad he's treating me. He doesn't see it. He thinks it's all MY fault. I know I'm to blame for some things- although he won't tell me what those things are. I never made him look at porn. It's not like I refused to have sex with him ever. Actually, it's the other way around- I was always desperate for his attention and affection. But, he always ignored me. He always kept his face in his computer, even while I cried. When he was looking at porn yesterday, I was standing right in front of him, crying my eyes out. June 3rd is one week away and I am feeling weak. I'm still searching for a better solution. I'm still trying to figure out how to convince him that he's hurting me and destroying our marriage. It's not working. He won't let me install software onto his computer to keep him from looking at porn. If I bring the subject up, he thinks I'm trying to start a fight (he thinks I LIKE to fight with him- just more proof of how warped his mind is). To all of my friends who read this: Pornography RUINS marriages. It ruins families. It IS a real addiction, and it leaves a woman feeling worthless and disgusting. It brings down her self-esteem until there's nothing left at all. It makes her feel like she has to be perfect and act in ways that aren't natural to her (pretending to enjoy sexual acts, even if they hurt, are degrading, or even just feel unpleasant.) For years, I have done things to try to look younger because the porn he looks at is called 'barely legal'. I have put my hair in pigtails- that got his attention. I've done ALOT of things to try to be like the girl's in the porn that he looks at. It's all degrading and humilliating. The porn he's into makes it feel like it isn't OK to be a mom, to be over 19 years old, to have a little extra weight. I have been hiding something from everyone in my life. I think it's time that I say it because I already know where I'm heading. I used to make myself throw up everything I ate. It was so hard to overcome that and eventually I was forced to eat because I got pregnant with Jonathan. After he was born, I went into 'zombie mom' mode, and I stopped caring about losing weight. All I cared about was my son and nothing more. But my husband's porn use got worse as the years passed. Now, I find myself unable to eat. I don't WANT to eat. I say that I'm hungry, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Every bite is fat on my body. Every swallow makes me fatter. When I have to eat because people are looking, I throw up at the first chance I get. It just started being this way for me about a month ago. I tell myself that this isn't healthy, but when there's food around, all I can think about is NOT gaining weight. I'm so afraid to gain weight. I know that this isn't good- that's why I'm writing about it here. I also feel stupid calling it an eating disorder and talking to anyone about it- I'm 60 pounds overweight. I'm not skinny by any stretch of the imagination. So, I feel like an idiot saying this to anyone at all. Not to mention, I don't want my parents or my husband to know.I am still trying desperately to be perfect and have a perfect body for my husband. If I can just lose those 60 pounds. If I dye my hair the right shade. If I dress in a certain way. If I put make-up on. If I smell just right. If I can be perfect, the porn will stop and he will love me again. That's what I keep telling myself. BE PERFECT and he won't look at porn! The biggest thing is my weight. I HAVE to lose the weight. I have to be skinny- after all, he types in the porn searches 'petite teen'. Sooooo- I have to be skinny (I already have a petite frame, thankfully- although it's difficult to tell under all the fat).
Replies
Melinda...you are fine the way you are...
to start with the problem here is your husband not you or your body! you need to realise you are beautiful no matter what size you are and set the example to your son that beauty comes in all sizes. show him how to respect women. When he starts dating in the future years you dont want him to be looking for that girl with the tiny little body and pigtails in her hair who is obsessed with the way she looks, or even worse making some girl feel as insecure and unhappy as your husband is making you feel because its what he has grown up around. I can tell you love ur son so much so if you cant do this for you do it for him and the girl he ends up with in the future. Weight and size are such a small part of life, im 56 kilos and 5\'7. I\'m skinny... but I throw up 6 times a day and I\'m desperately unhappy because everything I thought would come if I just got down to my goal weight no matter what the cost.. im still waiting for and i will keep on waiting untill im better cos thats the only time its gunna come. Also you do have an eating disorder and you need to start treatment. The stereotype of emaciated, bony girls being the only with a true eating disorder is false! I recently read a book by a reputable psychologist who said the worst most entrentched case of anorexia she has ever seen was from a 200 pound 5\'2 woman. She had lost 100 pounds in under a year, she was deathly afraid of food, physically could not eat in front of others and was living off 200 calories a day. Your story made me cry and I really hope and pray (non religiously lol) that you can learn to accept yourself and sort out your husband because how he is treating you is unacceptable.
Melinda, girl, I know you know this, but I\'m gona tell you again, you HAVE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS GUY. I know you love him and that\'s okay, but he\'s hurting you and he\'s hurting Jonathan. The bad part being that he doesn\'t WANT to help himself. You can only do so much for the both of you. If he doesn\'t want to do anything for your family, well I don\'t know how much you can do. He\'s screwed with your mind in so many ways and I think you and I both know that HE is the problem. But this is how they reason for their actions, they convince themselves that it\'s YOU that has the issues and the problems, it\'s you that pisses them off and that\'s not true. My dh made me think I was worthless, fat, ugly so many different things, imagine my surprise when I realized I wasn\'t all those things.
As for the eating disorder, Melinda it\'s called bulimia and I too often kid myself and don\'t want to call it an eating disorder because \"I don\'t throw up that much\", but it is what it is Melinda, anyway you phrase it. And I\'m convinced it\'s caused by our incessant need to please these certain people in our lives.
I too suffer from the same thing and although I\'m incredibly happy with my life, my body right now and my b-friend always tells me how gorgeous I am, there are only 2 people in this world that could make me feel this insecure and that\'s my late husband and my mother. We have got to stand up for ourselves though Melinda. Life is short, why waste it being miserable .
I know the story about porn addiction. I was there too. I KNOW your pain. Your a good soul sweetie. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON THAT IS BEING ABUSED. its not you its HIM. Hugs dear girl. Do not harm yourself. eat and excercise. Try to live a mentally and physically healthy life.