Confused and scared
Alright. So he's been sending me mixed signals since last Monday as I mentioned in my last journal. Meanwhile we had tix to go see Star wars last Friday that we had bought weeks ago. We had planned to go with two of his friends, so I messaged him during the day to see if he wanted to take separate cars so that he could hang out with his friends afterwards if he wanted to. (We are still living in the same house.) So, he responded something along the lines of "what kind of gentleman would I be if I let my date drive herself?". To which I replied "lol" because what the heck does that mean? Right? Are we dating now? So then he held the door for me and did dately things. Told me I looked pretty etc. When we got home afterwards he thanked me for going with him and then told me that was the first time he felt like we had gone on a date together in a long time. And gave me a big hug.
So then yesterday is the day of the birthday party he made such a stink about last week. (Mentioned in my previous journal.) In the morning he asked me all my plans for the week. When I told him I had stuff going on every day after work except friday he asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him on Friday! So I'm like what the heck?! I asked him "as friends? Whats going on?" and he told me that he's confused and that he misses me and misses talking to me. And that he just wants to go on a date with me. I'm like - okayyyy. But I'm still planning for divorce as of yesterday morning after that conversation.
So, when it comes time for the party the same day, I tell him I have errands to run beforehand and will be arriving late and that I'd see him there. Apparently before I got there he asked my cousin several times when I would arrive. Then, when I got there he was totally drunk and flirty with me. Within an hour he pulls me aside to a table and tells me that he doesn't want to get a divorce and that he was wrong. I tell him, hey we really need to have this conversation when you're sober. And he agrees but is aggressively flirty with me and super touchy feely all night. He promised me last night as he was sobering up that his feelings were not going to change today when he is sober because he's been thinking about this for weeks.
I just don't know what to do with this. I don't know if I can believe him. He's confused. I don't want his confusion to become my pain again. I can't keep getting hurt. It's going to destroy me. My therapist told me that a lot of times when the spouse that is leaving sees the other spouse moving forward, the first spouse starts to have doubts. Is that what this is? Is this because of the holidays? Is this drunk talk? Or are his feelings now genuine? I don't know. I'm scared and confused and really don't know what to expect when I get home from work tonight.
:(
Replies
I'm so sorry you are going thru this difficulty. I think mixed signals mean confusion and how long must you live in limbo until he's not confused? What if his confusion clears up and he decides he does want to move on but you have already emotionally reinvested in him? He'd have clarity and you'd have even more pain. Best of luck to you.
That is very confusing and not fair to you. I think you should let him know that if he is serious about working on the relationship you two need to go to couples counseling and work out all the issues. I read from Divorce Remedy that the walk away spouse sometimes comes back when they see their spouse get a life and happy. So this could all work out - some people need to see the reality of divorce before they realize their mistakes. But who knows.
I have been on both sides of this...the ass that left and realized too late and the person that had just what is happening to you now. You have to take care of you. Maybe this does work out because he realized he was dumb. If you want him back and he truly wants you, he should have to work his way back. You can't just go all in or you will get hurt! If we wants you back, go to counseling, make him show you over time, just just here today gone tomorrow! You are the one that is worth it and should stand up and let him know you are worth it. If the feelings are true, the will follow through. If not, he will walk away and you know in your heart you gave him that chance.
Thank you guys. I told him some things yesterday that he would need to do and he agreed. And he had his own for me, which I also agreed. We are going to try a new dynamic in our marriage, because obviously the old one and the rut we had fallen into wasn't working for either of us. I'm hopeful but still scared. I have an counseling appointment tomorrow and I can't help but wonder what she will think of all of this, since she is now my individual counselor but used to be our couples therapist.
I can't express to you how much all of your support means to me.
Kasharoo let me know how this works out please. Best of luck to you!