Confused and Lonely

It has been two years since you left me.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wish I could hold on to you for one more day.  So much has happen since you have been gone and at the same time nothing because it no longer has the meaning it used to when you were here.  I am learning to take care of myself and to stand up to what I believe is in my best interest as you always wanted me to do.  Said can be abusive when he is ready so I have had it with him.  He treatens me with leaving home and you know Carlos I hate being alone in the house but I am getting use to the idea that it is going to be my life from now on.  He left for Sacramento in January for 4 days and guess what I stayed home alone and I enjoy it.  It is not as bad as I thought or maybe because I had in my mind that you are present there with me only because I cannot see you.  I had some loud conversation with you and if you would have answered me I think I would have come out flying through one of the windows  On Saturday he started with his attitude and shouted he was leaving.  He told his wife to pack their belongings then very softly he said for one day only.  I left the house to attend the funeral of your sisters mother in law and when I got back home he was still there calm.  I need to be firmer with him like you used to tell me.  Rosela misses you a lot but she is confused about what direction she wants her life to go.  Again she changed jobs and she is lucky she already has another one which she starts today.  She does not have a place to live at this moment but it is by choice.  She was renting a room at a friend house but decided to move and find her own apartment.  I decided to give her some money that I had been saving for her and Said on a rainy day.  It is from your 401K.  She cried and was happy but still have not found a place.  So in the meantime she has been staying at my mom's but as usual complains about everything.  In the end as always mom comes to the rescue so I am having her live in the backroom at our Runnymede house since it is vacant.  It hurts me so much to see her in this position but you know that it was her choice to move out of the house and I don't think I can handle her and Said living with me at this time.  I know there is 2 vacant rooms but Carlos you know I am tired of their constant fighting.  I don't understand why they cannot get along and I have to respect them both.  Our kids can be loving when they want but at the same time they can be a royal pain you know where. 
Our granddaugther is getting bigger and everyone keeps saying she looks like you a lot.  She does remind me of you because she is just a happy baby and has such a loving personality.  Oh Carlos I wish you were here to share this joy and we could take walks with her.  I remember us talking about our grandkids and what we were going to do.  Memories and unfill dreams are what are left and it is so painful. 
I look back at my life was before and I keep longing for it so bad.  I don't know what direction to go but I also am aware that you would expect me to move along.  I look around our room and see 4 bare walls staring at me and an emptiness that seems to be engulfing me.  I want to scream out and ask you to come out and stop hiding from me.  I have begged you so many times to come and visit me but no luck there.  I have even wonder if you have forgotten me because I had a dream that in which I was happy to see you and asked you why did you not come see often and you said you did not know who I was.  I cried because it was such an awful dream.  Sometimes this pain plays havoc in our minds and some dreams confuse us more.  All I know is that I can never forget you and as the days go by I love you more and more.  I am trying to be strong but deep inside I am hurting everyday. 
Two years since you have been gone which seems at times like the longest yet at times the shortest.  People keep moving with their lives and I am at a stand still hoping and wishing for that miracle of seeing you again.  My heart aches so much that I find it hard to breathe.  Tears flow often and memories keep coming up.  ON your two years I had a mass and then gathered at the cementery with family and friends.  I relived the awful day over and over again in my head.  I realized two years after your funeral that you were buried on the same day as my boss birthday.  I did not even realize it until now.  You died on 7/4 and was buried on 7/11.  I wish those days could be erased from the calender.  Carlos, I need your help to keep moving send me a sign that you are with me during this difficult times.  Help me to be able to make wise decisions and be strong enought to keep going.  I visit your grave everyday and talk to you about how my day was and how much I love you.  There have been good days and also some hard days.  I laughed the other day remembering how when the dogs ran away and Hersey would stay by the door and not leave you would say "Hersey is a smart dog he knows where his bread is buttered" Boy were you right.  I don't know what direction my life will take but I was lucky to have you in my life, lucky to have being loved by you, lucky in all aspect of life now I am left with those memories to cheerish and shed tears the rest of my life.  They say that love is happiness but they forgot to mention that is also very painful.  At the funeral of your sister's mother in law they had a beautiful poem that said that she had moved to another address because her house was finally completed and it was design and constructed by the best carpenter "Jesus" her knew address is 777 Heavenly Drive is that your address also?  They say she attend your funeral and I don't recall it.  Come visit me Carlos let me know that you are still around.  I love you  Linda