confused and cautious

It's Sunday and weekends are always really hard.  I miss him so much.  My son wanted to have a birthday party for his favorite author today (Roald Dahl) and I thought it would be a great chance for us to do some celebrating and have some fun.  We invited friends and watch Willy Wonka.It was fun but my heart always hurts when I'm having fun without him.  I cried while I cleaned before our guests arrived.  He called at this point and I don't speak to him. I just let the kids speak to him. He emailed me later and asked if the reason I don't talk with him on the phone is to try and keep the hurt at bay.  He said he understood that.  He also asked how I felt now that he's in PA again.I did see him last weekend.  It has been a week though.  He said he missed the family and missed me.  He said last weekend that he had to get 'fixed' that he is toxic and bad for the family.  He said he hopes to someday earn me back.  I said I would talk to him again when he is getting help and that I don't know how to talk to him right now.  I want to hope that he does work on himself and come home one day.  We are divorcing right now.  It's so weird.  He is addicted to internet porn and has been for many years.  I don't know whats going on with the Russian woman but I don't think they can't have anything but the internet now because he is ready to file bankruptcy when the divorce goes through.  He won't be able to have anything with her.  I just don't know what the future holds.  I guess it's entirely out of my hands.  I have to move on, take care of my wonderful kids and leave it in Gods hands.I may never have a life with him again.  I guess time will tell.  It's just hard right now with my birthday coming up, halloween, all the holidays are gonna be so sad without him.  It sucks.