Confused

When I was very young (15) I had cervical dysplasia.The years of treatments, surgeries, shots etc.. are endless and lasted for too many years. Then when all was finally treated and I was clean..the Endo presented. Okay, why is all I could say but kept mentally strong and kept going, and going and going until I had a partial hysterotomy at 32. My amazing Dr saved my ovaires so I wouldn't be forced into menopause so young but we both knew one day I would go back under the knife. I hate the knife. ;( I have spent the last 10 years practicing pain managing by all natural ways. I just can't do the narcotics or lupo or depot or anything else that just destroyed me mentally and physically. 

Needless to say, I lost the battle and am no longer able to fight the pain anymore, does that make sense to anyone?? My Dr doesn't belive the endo is back or there would be spot bleeding, okay I said then what? Nerve damage? Cysts? Scar tissue growing over the damaged nerves?? What, what is it that drops me to my knees so unexpectedly?? We don't know.. so I am going in for a new procedure that I have never had and the best way to describe (since I do not know the medical term) is by having lidocaine injections that creates a "map" to pin point all the areas. That sounds as awful typing as it does saying out loud and I am beyond scared. I have read up on this and there can be up to 24 injections..with no locals as "we need you to be complete lucid to better know where the worst areas are." This will be done vaginally next week and once the mapping is complete..off to the knife. 

I wish I had an answer as to what the heck it is..I feel like maybe I'm imagining all of the pain just to believe in something. I feel so alone... My husband cannot "emotional" be there for me for his own fears but offers reassurance the best that he can but I admit that more than 90% of the time, i just hide it. For him, for my children, for everyone. I found this support group today and am praying that someone out there can offer words of support. I really need to know that I am not a freak, a disease or just damaged.  I don't even know what group to post on because there is no name for what is going on right now. 

Please help someone... I need something to hold onto. I have never given up..not once in 25 years but the last 2 weeks I have said that 2xs..that really scares me.