Confusion

How did things get this way?  I just keep finding myself asking what I did wrong and when.  I know- I can't be blamed for his actions.  But what else am I supposed to think??  It doesn't make any sense.  The things he does just aren't normal.  Is he THAT messed up in the head??  Yesterday, he looked at porn again, and I SAW it on his computer screen.  So, what does he do?  Lie.  Right to my face!  I mean seriously- how can he sit there and say that my eyes didn't see what they saw??  For years he has made me out to be the crazy one- but it's actually him!  He's mentally warped.  This is very hard to understand for me.  I just don't get it.  I know that he is mentally ill.  I've tried everything I can to get him to see how bad he's treating me.  He doesn't see it.  He thinks it's all MY fault.  I know I'm to blame for some things- although he won't tell me what those things are.  I never made him look at porn.  It's not like I refused to have sex with him ever.  Actually, it's the other way around- I was always desperate for his attention and affection.  But, he always ignored me.  He always kept his face in his computer, even while I cried.  When he was looking at porn yesterday, I was standing right in front of him, crying my eyes out.  June 3rd is one week away and I am feeling weak.  I'm still searching for a better solution.  I'm still trying to figure out how to convince him that he's hurting me and destroying our marriage.  It's not working.  He won't let me install software onto his computer to keep him from looking at porn.  If I bring the subject up, he thinks I'm trying to start a fight (he thinks I LIKE to fight with him- just more proof of how warped his mind is).  To all of my friends who read this:  Pornography RUINS marriages.  It ruins families.  It IS a real addiction, and it leaves a woman feeling worthless and disgusting.  It brings down her self-esteem until there's nothing left at all.  It makes her feel like she has to be perfect and act in ways that aren't natural to her (pretending to enjoy sexual acts, even if they hurt, are degrading, or even just feel unpleasant.)  For years, I have done things to try to look younger because the porn he looks at is called 'barely legal'.  I have put my hair in pigtails- that got his attention.  I've done ALOT of things to try to be like the girl's in the porn that he looks at.  It's all degrading and humilliating.  The porn he's into makes it feel like it isn't OK to be a mom, to be over 19 years old, to have a little extra weight.  I have been hiding something from everyone in my life.  I think it's time that I say it because I already know where I'm heading.  I used to make myself throw up everything I ate.  It was so hard to overcome that and eventually I was forced to eat because I got pregnant with Jonathan.  After he was born, I went into 'zombie mom' mode, and I stopped caring about losing weight.  All I cared about was my son and nothing more.  But my husband's porn use got worse as the years passed.  Now, I find myself unable to eat.  I don't WANT to eat.  I say that I'm hungry, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  Every bite is fat on my body.  Every swallow makes me fatter.  When I have to eat because people are looking, I throw up at the first chance I get.  It just started being this way for me about a month ago.  I tell myself that this isn't healthy, but when there's food around, all I can think about is NOT gaining weight.  I'm so afraid to gain weight.  I know that this isn't good- that's why I'm writing about it here.  I also feel stupid calling it an eating disorder and talking to anyone about it- I'm 60 pounds overweight.  I'm not skinny by any stretch of the imagination.  So, I feel like an idiot saying this to anyone at all.  Not to mention, I don't want my parents or my husband to know.I am still trying desperately to be perfect and have a perfect body for my husband.  If I can just lose those 60 pounds.  If I dye my hair the right shade.  If I dress in a certain way.  If I put make-up on.  If I smell just right.  If I can be perfect, the porn will stop and he will love me again.  That's what I keep telling myself.  BE PERFECT and he won't look at porn!  The biggest thing is my weight.  I HAVE to lose the weight.  I have to be skinny- after all, he types in the porn searches 'petite teen'.  Sooooo- I have to be skinny (I already have a petite frame, thankfully- although it's difficult to tell under all the fat).