Conflicted

I find myself needing to bully myself into heading back to the river region. I am quite enjoying my time here at the ranch. It is starting to feel like it could, possibly, grow into something bigger than a line item in a financial portfolio. The addition of the cattle owned by the ag lease-holder Hubs tied up with last year takes it from feeling like an unloved investment property to an actual, functioning ranch. The lease-holder uses only the pastures for grazing and is a gentle presence when he or one of his workers come to check on the cattle. It has been a delight to watch the Spring calves growing up.

Hubs has been respectful in the way he has treated the work I did here during 5 months between his father's death in October 2016 and my launch out of here with the weirds of my brother's and mother's deaths. His respect has included regrets for the places he handled ^it^ badly. 2016 and 2017 were rough years. Prolonged illnesses and 3 family deaths created quite allot of chaos for everyone involved.

Hubs speaks of feeling ready to move on developing this property, but every fiber of my wife sense believes he isnae anywhere near ready to relinquish control. The projects will need to micro managed at the convenience of a very busy man. When Hubs and I collaborate on projects, I spend entirely too much time waiting for breaks in his busy schedule and end up throwing away frustrating number of research packets because ? ? ? Does anybody ever REALLY know why muckety mucks do what they do? "Because *They* said so." is my go-to summary of executive orders, even when *I* am the boss. Maybe especially then. My construction crew management did earn me the nickname, "Bitch of No Return," after all. I have been much gentler in my handling of muckety mucks since I retired from that job in 1995. There are valid reasons bosses get paid more.

My wife sense also tells me that there are strong and valid reasons that Hubs needs to take his time and maintain control of the developments here. Co-ownership of this property with his one surviving brother is pretty much all he has left of his family. The bond between the two family branches isnae strong enough for cousins to feel comfortable visiting cousins without the formal events which have been their only bond. The MIL/FIL maintained such tight control of those events that none of us know how, or if to proceed now that they are both gone. There are other branches of the family tree sprinkled throughout this area, but those bonds are even weaker. It's allot to sort and my wife sense is urging me to let it be his to sort in his own time and his own way.

The rising afternoon temps are reminding me of the primitive construction and sorry condition of this house. It wasnae comfortable in the mild North Texas winter and will be even less comfortable through the lethal summer heat. The condition of the building compells me to believe that upgrades to the house will be a waste of time and money. It is unsound from foundation to roof. Of course rennovation is possible, but not while the building is occupied. The floors would need to be taken out, completely. Possibly the roof and ceilings, as well. The rennovation would be more expensive and time consuming than building a new structure.

But for now, I am enjoying the lab, the harvesting of wild herbs for the lab, etc., etc. Convincing myself to load the truck for the drive back to the river region is proving difficult. Why fix what ain't broke?

Sorting. . . The bullying action is geared toward getting myself on the northbound road Monday morning.