Conflict vs. Disrespect

 
Ever since Christmas, I haven't been able to get my sister's comments out of my head. Yes, I know I should detach. Yes, I know it's coming out of "who she is" and not what I am. Yes, I know it is she that has the problem, not me. Yes, I've said to myself, "I need to forgive her for what she's done; I need to conciously determine to do so." Yet it's been eating away at me & disturbing me emotionally and I don't know why.
 
However, after a very brief reading of Leslie Vernick's "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" today, I've come to the conclusion that what was bothering me wasn't merely what she said, but the fact that she said it.
 
Basically, the little bit of the book I read today was about the ability to resolve conflict as being part of good emotional health. What Leslie said was that conflict is about an issue. If you are being put down or picked on, that is not conflict, that is disrespect/abuse. You shouldn't defend/debate when that happens, you must simply speak up and say, "Stop--I don't like when you ____________." (And of course if they don't respect that, it's boundary-setting time.)
 
So I was able to identify my root problem du jour: my sister being disrespectful of me. And I recognized that I always go into defense mode, but the thing is: that doesn't solve this problem.
 
So I guess my next tact is: when she starts with the insults, speak up: "Stop it--I don't appreciate you insulting how I look/dress/live (or whatever)." And if she comes back with something like, "But I'm just ___, or you should just ___", then I need to "stand up" (as Leslie says) and say, "Look, if you can't stop insulting me, then I think we need to put some distance between us. I'd rather not do that, but I won't be insulted."
 
All that from 1 page of reading! I love Leslie's sense of clarity!