conflicted

Feeling very conflicted now. Just found out she will not be in the office until next Wednesday as she is out the office. Its good that I don't have to face her but at the same time I wonder where she is, what she is doing, who she is with. I feel torn as I don't have to face her but I miss her at the same time. Its confusing and painful and just makes me stress out and want to self harm again. I know its not constructive to do it but I feel the urge to heat up the knife blade and press it into my arm again and again. Just when I thought I was doing better today :'(