Conflicted
Each day gets easier in some ways; I feel stronger. I have been moving slowly this time--much more slowly than ever before; doing A LOT of reading and writing and learning. That is new for me. Usually I barrel through and just make plans and then leave; I'm beginning to see that I was leaving before I was actually ready--I wasn't letting myself get stronger, I was using the fear to propel me forward and then it was like a noose tied around my neck--it was that same fear that had gotten me out that dragged me back like a tether. I can see Alexis getting stronger too. In the past several weeks, she has opened up to me so much more. She seems happier and less anxious than I've ever seen her (she was even an anxious toddler to be honest). Her comments and honesty with me are a surprisingly strong motivator for me. Anytime I find myself waffling and thinking that this is just too hard, I think about her words and it propels me forward again. Even Alyssa seems to be turning a corner. I cannot even explain it, she is still herself, but something is different--maybe it really is me and the kids are feeding off of that?
I've noticed changes in other areas of my life; not just at home. I feel differently at work also. I am starting to actually envision what a life free from the constant drama, turmoil, and neglect might be like. I am getting excited. Did I feel this way before?! I cannot remember. I have started praying again. My family has never been terribly religious. In fact, religion in my family was so confusing that it's a wonder we ever emerged unscathed. Dad's family was Jehovah's Witness, so we would sometimes go to the Kingdom Hall and observe their lack of holiday celebrations, depending on whether my dad needed to borrow money from his dad or something. Then suddenly, Christmas didn't exist for us and on and on. At other times we would go to the Catholic Church with other family and learn about what heathens we were and so on. Sometimes we didn't observe any religion, and prayer was NEVER a common theme in our house. It wasn't that we were nonbelievers, just nonreligious, I guess. I still don't particularly identify with organized religion, probably never will. I think I had too much experience with hypocritical religious figures to ever want to be a part of that. However, I do have faith--I believe one doesn't need to follow organized religion to have faith and spirituality. I may be wrong, but it's working for me. I feel stronger and more at peace with myself and my life right now. A lot of that is this site and the out of the fog forum, a lot of that is therapy, and a lot of that is taking the time to get it out and learn, but I think a big part of that is also my renewed sense that God doesn't want his children to suffer either, so He will provide for and protect me and mine. Not even sure that makes sense, but it's working for me, so.....
I spent Sunday on a cleaning frenzy. This is what I do when I have a lot on my mind, it calms me and helps me to come up with solutions to problems I may be having. I had pretty much made up my mind to go back to the beach--only this time the next state over. I had come up with a slew of reasons why this makes sense and why it will be the best choice and I completely reworked my resume to prepare for job searches. I was on a roll this weekend and feeling positive about my decision. Then yesterday my practice admin asks me what I plan on doing with my life now. She knows something of the situation I am in and also knows that once the girls get out of school I plan on leaving. She has been dating a guy who lives in GA and making the trip down there every weekend. She also used to work for My Eye Dr as their practice admin and was offered the job to open their new offices down in Atlanta. They will give her a house as part of her package to go down there and open their stores. She offered to let me have the house, as she will stay with her boyfriend, and to give me a management job at their office down there. That was completely unexpected! While it sounds great though, I still have reservations because she can sometimes be unreliable--saying things and not following through. Besides, I don't know what kind of time frame she's talking about here. I won't be ready to leave the state and the area until my kids get out of school this year. I cannot uproot them in the middle of the year like that. I won't do it I guess I should say. But.....at least that prospect is out there. While I decide if that is something I want to do. To be honest, I'm not sure I would want to work for her again anyway. While I genuinely like her as a person, and she is a fair minded boss, she can also be unfair in that she expects others to anticipate what she wants and she can expect others to work WAY harder than she herself wants to (mostly so that she doesn't have to work that hard!) I get that this is what you get to the top for, but at the same time, I am trying to learn to erect boundaries and stop allowing people to do that to me, so not sure whether that is a good idea or not.
I figure it is about time I start to think about what my children have gone through, but each time I try to start writing down things, I block it out. Somehow it all seems so much worse when I think of things from their perspective, and I truly end up feeling like a horrible mother for allowing it to continue. I am going to start this morning though because I think it's time to get out this poison, but I'm going to do it on a separate entry. This one is positive, and it seems unfair to write about their experiences at the end of a long and positive entry. They deserve better.
I've noticed changes in other areas of my life; not just at home. I feel differently at work also. I am starting to actually envision what a life free from the constant drama, turmoil, and neglect might be like. I am getting excited. Did I feel this way before?! I cannot remember. I have started praying again. My family has never been terribly religious. In fact, religion in my family was so confusing that it's a wonder we ever emerged unscathed. Dad's family was Jehovah's Witness, so we would sometimes go to the Kingdom Hall and observe their lack of holiday celebrations, depending on whether my dad needed to borrow money from his dad or something. Then suddenly, Christmas didn't exist for us and on and on. At other times we would go to the Catholic Church with other family and learn about what heathens we were and so on. Sometimes we didn't observe any religion, and prayer was NEVER a common theme in our house. It wasn't that we were nonbelievers, just nonreligious, I guess. I still don't particularly identify with organized religion, probably never will. I think I had too much experience with hypocritical religious figures to ever want to be a part of that. However, I do have faith--I believe one doesn't need to follow organized religion to have faith and spirituality. I may be wrong, but it's working for me. I feel stronger and more at peace with myself and my life right now. A lot of that is this site and the out of the fog forum, a lot of that is therapy, and a lot of that is taking the time to get it out and learn, but I think a big part of that is also my renewed sense that God doesn't want his children to suffer either, so He will provide for and protect me and mine. Not even sure that makes sense, but it's working for me, so.....
I spent Sunday on a cleaning frenzy. This is what I do when I have a lot on my mind, it calms me and helps me to come up with solutions to problems I may be having. I had pretty much made up my mind to go back to the beach--only this time the next state over. I had come up with a slew of reasons why this makes sense and why it will be the best choice and I completely reworked my resume to prepare for job searches. I was on a roll this weekend and feeling positive about my decision. Then yesterday my practice admin asks me what I plan on doing with my life now. She knows something of the situation I am in and also knows that once the girls get out of school I plan on leaving. She has been dating a guy who lives in GA and making the trip down there every weekend. She also used to work for My Eye Dr as their practice admin and was offered the job to open their new offices down in Atlanta. They will give her a house as part of her package to go down there and open their stores. She offered to let me have the house, as she will stay with her boyfriend, and to give me a management job at their office down there. That was completely unexpected! While it sounds great though, I still have reservations because she can sometimes be unreliable--saying things and not following through. Besides, I don't know what kind of time frame she's talking about here. I won't be ready to leave the state and the area until my kids get out of school this year. I cannot uproot them in the middle of the year like that. I won't do it I guess I should say. But.....at least that prospect is out there. While I decide if that is something I want to do. To be honest, I'm not sure I would want to work for her again anyway. While I genuinely like her as a person, and she is a fair minded boss, she can also be unfair in that she expects others to anticipate what she wants and she can expect others to work WAY harder than she herself wants to (mostly so that she doesn't have to work that hard!) I get that this is what you get to the top for, but at the same time, I am trying to learn to erect boundaries and stop allowing people to do that to me, so not sure whether that is a good idea or not.
I figure it is about time I start to think about what my children have gone through, but each time I try to start writing down things, I block it out. Somehow it all seems so much worse when I think of things from their perspective, and I truly end up feeling like a horrible mother for allowing it to continue. I am going to start this morning though because I think it's time to get out this poison, but I'm going to do it on a separate entry. This one is positive, and it seems unfair to write about their experiences at the end of a long and positive entry. They deserve better.
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