Confession Time
Ah, everyone always loves a good, juicy confession. I have two. These are things I need to discuss with my W, and she may read them here before we get a chance to talk. I don't know. She'll at least get this first part in her email and want to know more by the time she gets home.
The first confession it is possible I may have already told her and just forgot. As those who know my story, I discovered my W was cheating on me by installing a key logger on the computer, and the evening I did that, she confessed to one of her online sex chat partners her whole affair. First time she'd told anyone about it. She told him what she did with the first guy, how she'd had phone sex with one guy she'd met on MySpace, and finally how she'd been having sex with a guy. Initially, I thought she might have been talking about two different guys, but turns out it was the same guy she was having sex with.
All that, my wife knows about. What I don't think I've told her yet, for obvious reasons, is the following. That night I deleted the whole log I had recorded and uninstalled the key logger. And I haven't installed a key logger on it to this date since then. The funny thing is she assumed I still had it on there, and would sometimes tell me things that happened on the computer because she was pretty sure I would read about it that night if she didn't, and she didn't want any new surprises for me.
But the truth is, I've not had a key logger on the computer she uses the day I confronted her to today. But all this time she probably figured I was obsessing each evening, looking at the logs for signs of cheating. Now, she could have tested that. Like said something to someone that should have gotten a rise out of me, and either figured I was playing it pretty close to the chest or wasn't reading. She may have figured it out in time. But I feel pretty safe now this far out that she isn't doing anything like she did before.
If I had suspected more was going on, I figured it was easy to reinstall it again. But I think the reason I uninstalled it the evening I found out, was that the main reason I installed it was to confirm or not confirm my fears, which at the time was that she was sex-chatting online with other men. I thought that was possibly going on, it never dawned on me that she could actually be having a full PA. Having discovered that, I didn't need to know anymore. I even had enough information that if she tried the trickle truth or to hide things, I would know it. I wanted to find out how honest she would be with me. What I didn't want to do was spend hours every night reading computer logs in fear of what I would find. Plus, once she knew how I learned of the affair, the chance she would do anything on the computer again was slim to none. So any time looking for evidence there would be fruitless.
Consequently, I let her believe I still had the key logger installed and checked up on her regularly. I felt she needed to feel that I was watching for her own security that she wouldn't do it again. If she knew I wasn't, the temptation at the time may have been too much.
So that's one thing. The other is a bit more non-practical. I don't even know why I've done this, really. But my W didn't know how the delete function worked on email. She thought when she deleted an email, it was gone. Nope. When you hit delete, it sends the email to the trash folder. It only goes away when you empty the trash, either manually, or many set theirs to automatically empty after so many days in the trash, whenever they close the program, or any other number of software formulations. It operates much as a trash can. Just because you wad up a piece of paper and throw it in the trash can doesn't mean someone can't come along and pull the paper back out and read it. It is only "gone" when you take the trash out and the garbage men come by to pick it up. Then it becomes nearly impossible to get that back. But until then, not too hard to dig through the trash and retrieve it.
My wife didn't understand this. And while most of her contact with the OM was via text and a little FB messaging, they did communicate via email a few times. When she read them she would hit the delete button. But the trash was never set to automatically be taken out nor did she know enough that she needed to do it manually to really get rid of those emails.
And I had gone into the trash and seen those emails between him and her, as usually her email text was in his responses. There wasn't a lot in them that was really "revealing." The most was them planning on when she would pick him up to go clean a house with her (she employed him to help her on some bigger houses). And one discussion where the OM felt she may have almost let the cat out of the bag with our son on a return trip taking him to a doctor. But the worst there was the love language. She called him babe, and they told each other how much they loved one another. That hurts, even though I know it happened, and it is in the past now.
All of that she knows about now. I told her I'd read them, and showed her how to completely delete emails (once I felt sure nothing else was going on and didn't feel threatened it would happen). But before I showed her how to do that, I don't know why, I wanted to save those emails. I've only read them again once or twice since then, and haven't looked at them in months. I guess I just wasn't sure if I wanted to get rid of the "evidence" yet. Or maybe somewhere in my morbid mind, if things went south, I wanted something to go back to that would remind me that she'd loved another.
For whatever reason, I took those emails out and storied them in a secret spot, so that when we emptied her trash, those were not deleted. So, Honey, I still have them.
But what I'm thinking we'll do is on our first dday anniversary, I want to join with her in "burning" those emails by deleting them and emptying my trash. They are sort of the last vestiges of that affair. But I don't want to read them again. They'll just sit there until we're ready to burn them.
So that's my confession.
The first confession it is possible I may have already told her and just forgot. As those who know my story, I discovered my W was cheating on me by installing a key logger on the computer, and the evening I did that, she confessed to one of her online sex chat partners her whole affair. First time she'd told anyone about it. She told him what she did with the first guy, how she'd had phone sex with one guy she'd met on MySpace, and finally how she'd been having sex with a guy. Initially, I thought she might have been talking about two different guys, but turns out it was the same guy she was having sex with.
All that, my wife knows about. What I don't think I've told her yet, for obvious reasons, is the following. That night I deleted the whole log I had recorded and uninstalled the key logger. And I haven't installed a key logger on it to this date since then. The funny thing is she assumed I still had it on there, and would sometimes tell me things that happened on the computer because she was pretty sure I would read about it that night if she didn't, and she didn't want any new surprises for me.
But the truth is, I've not had a key logger on the computer she uses the day I confronted her to today. But all this time she probably figured I was obsessing each evening, looking at the logs for signs of cheating. Now, she could have tested that. Like said something to someone that should have gotten a rise out of me, and either figured I was playing it pretty close to the chest or wasn't reading. She may have figured it out in time. But I feel pretty safe now this far out that she isn't doing anything like she did before.
If I had suspected more was going on, I figured it was easy to reinstall it again. But I think the reason I uninstalled it the evening I found out, was that the main reason I installed it was to confirm or not confirm my fears, which at the time was that she was sex-chatting online with other men. I thought that was possibly going on, it never dawned on me that she could actually be having a full PA. Having discovered that, I didn't need to know anymore. I even had enough information that if she tried the trickle truth or to hide things, I would know it. I wanted to find out how honest she would be with me. What I didn't want to do was spend hours every night reading computer logs in fear of what I would find. Plus, once she knew how I learned of the affair, the chance she would do anything on the computer again was slim to none. So any time looking for evidence there would be fruitless.
Consequently, I let her believe I still had the key logger installed and checked up on her regularly. I felt she needed to feel that I was watching for her own security that she wouldn't do it again. If she knew I wasn't, the temptation at the time may have been too much.
So that's one thing. The other is a bit more non-practical. I don't even know why I've done this, really. But my W didn't know how the delete function worked on email. She thought when she deleted an email, it was gone. Nope. When you hit delete, it sends the email to the trash folder. It only goes away when you empty the trash, either manually, or many set theirs to automatically empty after so many days in the trash, whenever they close the program, or any other number of software formulations. It operates much as a trash can. Just because you wad up a piece of paper and throw it in the trash can doesn't mean someone can't come along and pull the paper back out and read it. It is only "gone" when you take the trash out and the garbage men come by to pick it up. Then it becomes nearly impossible to get that back. But until then, not too hard to dig through the trash and retrieve it.
My wife didn't understand this. And while most of her contact with the OM was via text and a little FB messaging, they did communicate via email a few times. When she read them she would hit the delete button. But the trash was never set to automatically be taken out nor did she know enough that she needed to do it manually to really get rid of those emails.
And I had gone into the trash and seen those emails between him and her, as usually her email text was in his responses. There wasn't a lot in them that was really "revealing." The most was them planning on when she would pick him up to go clean a house with her (she employed him to help her on some bigger houses). And one discussion where the OM felt she may have almost let the cat out of the bag with our son on a return trip taking him to a doctor. But the worst there was the love language. She called him babe, and they told each other how much they loved one another. That hurts, even though I know it happened, and it is in the past now.
All of that she knows about now. I told her I'd read them, and showed her how to completely delete emails (once I felt sure nothing else was going on and didn't feel threatened it would happen). But before I showed her how to do that, I don't know why, I wanted to save those emails. I've only read them again once or twice since then, and haven't looked at them in months. I guess I just wasn't sure if I wanted to get rid of the "evidence" yet. Or maybe somewhere in my morbid mind, if things went south, I wanted something to go back to that would remind me that she'd loved another.
For whatever reason, I took those emails out and storied them in a secret spot, so that when we emptied her trash, those were not deleted. So, Honey, I still have them.
But what I'm thinking we'll do is on our first dday anniversary, I want to join with her in "burning" those emails by deleting them and emptying my trash. They are sort of the last vestiges of that affair. But I don't want to read them again. They'll just sit there until we're ready to burn them.
So that's my confession.
Replies
I give you tons of credit. I couldn\'t even imagine reading those words, those confessions, from my wife to her lover. I think that would take it to another level of real that I couldn\'t even imagine. You\'re a good man Cole.
I think you\'re right about saving the emails in case things went south. I would also think it represents a piece of you that was stolen and you are still mourning the loss.
A few days after my dday, I told my husband to delete and block all traces of her. Emails, pictures, phone numbers, Skype, chats, etc.
I\'m kicking myself to an extent because later on I started to wonder what she looked like. But I am glad I didn\'t see the emails and their correspondence based on the experience of everyone who had the misfortune of reading about their spouse\'s shenanigans.
My husband initially fought me about handing over all of his passwords. So I just figured them out based on the ones I already knew. That went over like a lead balloon. After the dust settled somewhat, we went over his email account and photos together to make sure we did a thorough job of \"cleaning house.\" Sorry, I had to throw that in.
I only went back a couple of times since to check his accounts, and then they were only partial half-hearted peeks. So I can understand the removal of the key logger, and not telling her just to keep her accountable for a while. I\'ve noticed you not telling your wife certain things were really designed primarily to protect your relationship. If your motives were different, like wanting to control and hurt her out of revenge, you could\'ve done the same things and probably more. I hope she understands that.
And the confessions you\'re making show how the trust between you two is building back up. I admire that. I\'m learning a lot from your posts, thank you both for sharing.
Well, Willie, those emails are pretty tame compared to the messages she had in MySpace, which I did read. I sort of knew what to expect, but only one phrase really hit me in the gut hard. I mean, the whole idea of my wife saying those things to any man is bad enough. But when she said, \"I love my husband, but I would really like to experience that,\" I felt sick. I think if anything, it was because it was apparent she wanted to at that point (she hadn\'t had sex with anyone at that point yet, intercourse that is) but this made it clear it was only a matter of time and opportunity. Which came about a month after she made that statement.
But even that was minor compared to what happened the night of dday. When I read the chat log with her fellow sex chat partner, he apparently started talking about wanting to have an affair on his wife, and my wife decided to tell him all about the affair she was having, in detail, likes and dislikes comparing us two, etc. To say I was in shock was an understatement.
So those things hurt, but I know what she was going through, what she got sucked into, and how hard she has worked on herself to never let herself to get to that place again. And for that I\'m very grateful. It is a hurt that will always be there. And if it weren\'t for her healing as she had, I don\'t think I could deal with it.
I think it boils down to I deal with the pain because I feel it would be a greater pain for me to have the marriage fall apart because of it. If the pain ever gets above that pain level because she regresses or has another affair, then I suppose I would feel differently.
But yes, shtmyhbdid, we went through the phase of cleaning out all rememberances of him and the affairs from the computers and her cell phone. All phone numbers, FB friends, closed down MySpace completely, that one social site that was sex focused was closed down early, pictures, text, emails, everything went. I saved those emails before we did that. I\'ve though a couple of times in the past months about looking at them again. But I know what they say, and there really isn\'t any reason to look at them other than to get worked up over it again, so what\'s the point? Maybe when I particularly feel mournful over what I lost, I will want to remember the pain of that loss, and those emails represent that. They are the last concrete thing remaining of those days. My W doesn\'t even want to look at them, too much of a trigger and she\'s done a lot of work to keep him out of her mind, not think about him too much. Reading them would be counterproductive for her. But I\'m sure on dday anniversary, I will \"burn\" them as a symbolic gesture of moving forward into another year, and a thanksgiving that we\'ve made it that far.
We were just discussing last night or this morning, what a mess I was in those first three weeks. Panic attacks at work, constantly feeling short of breath and pain in my chest. Going to work was hard, I think because that\'s the time she did what she did. I was holed up at work, unable to get out, which left her free to meet up with him, take him cleaning, take him to the store with her, meet at the gym, etc. I couldn\'t hardly work, just stare at the computer screen. It wasn\'t until the fourth week after dday that I could even begin to function at work in anything resembling \"normal\" operations.
Anyway, I survived, she came out of the fog and made core changes. You can see it as well. In her recent post at the Rebuilding board, she talks about a man \"creeped her out\" instead of turning her on by flirting with her and physically touching her. In the fog, that would have been exciting for her and she wouldn\'t have told me about it. I think it is the realization that we are not there anymore that makes taking the pain as doable. It is in the past, and she isn\'t in that state of mind any longer, and with God\'s grace and her persistence, she\'ll never be there again.
Cole, I printed out all the emails from both accounts between h and tow that I could find, plus the pic she had sent. Two days afterdday H brought home a stack of cards and handwritten letters she had mailed to him at work (p.o. box she thought was his addy). he saw me put them in the trash. What he didnt see was me taking them back out of the trash and hiding them with all my print outs. I have taken them out and reread them once , about a week ago I guess. Still sittin the fence on this yet, not ready to let go.
I am so encouraged by the two of you ! :)
lol kansas, sounds like you\'ve saved a whole lot more than I did.
It is hard to psycho analyze one\'s self, but I think my reasons for saving those emails is nothing more than this:
Once they are gone, they are gone. I didn\'t want her to have them to reminder her of them and what they shared. The less she thinks about that and reads old letters etc., the faster that bond will die off and he\'ll become distant history and past. But I wasn\'t sure if I would need them or not. I didn\'t seriously think I would need them for anything legal. Even if we ended up divorcing, by the nature of our relationship I don\'t think it would a nasty fight. Even on the child custody issue, that wouldn\'t exist, as our youngest just turned 18 last month. Whether she had an affair or not wouldn\'t play into things like division of property that much, I don\'t think there would be anything to \"fight\" over really. Certainly nothing that such emails would be needed for.
So I think it is simply that I felt I needed them in case I needed them. For what, I\'m not really sure. And I think in the end, I don\'t need them for anything. Which is why I\'ve figured I\'ll save them for the one year anniversary \"burning\" of the last evidence we have.
And my W\'s only real solid comment about me keeping those emails was \"creepy.\" lol. She said it with a smile on her face. She wasn\'t too disturbed by the fact I had them. All she said is she didn\'t want to read them again.
Keep the copies somewhere who u trust. You may need them some day...unfortunately my exh destroyed all the evidence so if I had to go to court I have nothing.
Well I printed the stuff out too, mostly emails! Would have liked to have seen the texts, since there were thousands of them, monthly for a while.
But I still keep them, have them tucked away. Reprinted a few more. I feel safe having them, just in case, he does an about face again, in the future with her or anyone else. So I can shove them in his face, and say, sorry, number 2 is just not gonna cut it for me! And if I don\'t need them, good!
I have thought about the bonfire thing, but not ready for that, still!
If I had something more substantial, and I felt they could play a role in legal action, I would be more inclined to keep them. The most you get in these emails is \"I love you\" and terms of endearment. The only other issue is when they feared they almost let the affair slip out to my son, they discussed that and that they had to be careful. That was the Monday before dday, which for me was Tuesday night and I confronted her that Wed. afternoon.
To check that timeline, I went back to see what date they discussed that. I had forgotten how much stuff there actually was in there, and not all of it benign. One was a sex story my wife sent him of what she was going to do to him. The creepy thing is she talked about doing something exciting with M&Ms. And that is what she did to me on our anniversary. I remember that now. At the time, and still, makes me feel a little creepy that it came from a fantasy she had with the OM. Though she says they never did that.
Maybe that\'s why I have them. I don\'t feel I want to forget yet.
WEll, I thought i was going to read something juicy! I don\'t think those are so bad. YOu did what you had to do for protection, and also it seemed okay with her, as if she needed your monitoring her, to keep her on the \"straight and narrow\". So, all in all, it sounds like you guys are doing very well, and I\'m sincerely happy for you guys! Keep up the good work!