Computer has a mind of it\'s own

I tried to write my journal but the computer just wanted to display the title I guess. LOL I will try again just like I do with the men in my life! Try, try again. I picked another winner, Not!!! However everything happens for a reason! I learn from each adventure, not only about some men but about myself. Not all that happens is good but it all happens for the good, if you love God is what my pastor says and I believe it.  I have learned it IS NOT ME! I am very worthy and quite a good catch. I have learned I will not settle for someone who does not repect me or someone that does not meet my needs.  I do not just need a man. I want the right man. To find the right one, I know I have to date a lot of them. I believe it is a numbers game.  Only a few of them get past the first date. I am quick to recognize red flags. I want to believe people and I still have hope one day I will meet someone that is worth believing in. I arm a hopeless romatic. I can't and don't want to change that. When I am smitten with someone, I allow myself to dream. Being as strong as I now am on my own, I realize it is only dreaming. If we stop allowing ourselves to dream or be hopeful we will never move to the lives we hope to have for ourselves. In my opinion. I don't see anything wrong with dreaming and hoping for the best as long as you can deal whe the dream doesn't come true.  I believe God protects me from people who are not good for me so when a man shows his true colors and I decide to "just say no" or even if they dump me, I say thank you God for helping me dodge that bullet.  Jerry seemed too good to be true, I had doubts but I don't want to distrust peole right off the bat so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  My guard was up even though I had hoped for the best and allowed a few dreams.  He was supposed to come over last night. He called twice during the day being very sweet and saying he had a lot to get done yesterday but he could not wait to see me.  He also texted 4 times saying things like I am trying to hurry Baby so I can see you sooner and I can't wait to see you. He texted up untill about 8:30pm saying he was trying to get his truck fixed and running late but still coming and can't wait to see me, blah blah blah.  I had my doubts but said to myself, don't judge yet.  I called a girlfriend and we had a blast laughing on the phone about life and men, etc...  The at 10pm I get a text, not even a phone call, that sas and I quote "Baby I am sooo sorry, I am not going to make it tonight but I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW I PROMISE I MISS YOU!"    No explination given, no phone call, no nothing just the text.  I was disappointd but fr from devestated.  God saved me from another and this one came with kids! What if I had fallen in love with these babies and then he showed his ass I would not only loose him but also children I know I would learn to love as my own (that is how I do!! LOL).   My girlfriend and I talked about the possiblities of what the real story is on Jerry and I may never know. Not that it matters, last night was a dealbreaker for me. I can understand and forgive not keeping a date, shit happens! I can not understand or forgive not expaining your actions when you know you  have disapointed someone. That is the least respect you should give someone if you value them in any way.  My friend and I came up with a few options as to his real story based on signs and actions. Men are becoming a case study for me, LOL One option is that he is married. I have not been to his place. I only have his cell phone number and he takes a little while to call back or text back. Maybe he has to wait until he is free??  Another option and the one we agreed best explains his actions is he is an addict (still). He had in his so called confession of his flaws told me he had used Coke back in the day.  I was married to an addict and Tony was also addicted to Xanex so I know their actions and his fit. He told me his Mom helps with the boys, probably because they all live with her! He told me he doesn't have much yet he has a good job. I think he spends his money on drugs. I don';t have a home phone number for him, never been invited to his place.  It all fits!! Crack head light flashing!!  Better to find out now then after I am playing Momma to his boys while he goes on a binge!  I will pray for him and move on. Next.... Live and learn and keep trying. I am not forcing things. I am happy that I am not dead inside. I am glad I want to keep looking. I am thrilled that a man othe than Tony can get me excited! I am happy that when it doesn't work out I can get over it quickly and come out smiling.  I am really ok. Each new experience gives me hope that one day someone will be who they calim to be and that I will want to believe and risk my heart again.  If I am not willing to risk it I will never find my partner. I still believe in happily ever after. I am having fun and meeting new people and having some really great times. Sure beats siting home crying over someone that doesn't deserve me.  Everyone gets through things in their own way. This is mine, get back on the hourse and keep riding (no pun intended LOL).  I actually apprciate my freedom and my alone time but I know for the right guy I would be willing to make the compromise to be good to him. All of what I am going through is what I need to go through to ge to where I want to be.  I have no regrets and I am proud of how strong I have become. Shit happens, some people suck but I am just fine and blessed. I have everything I need without a man. So I am free to play the field in seach of the needle in the haystack with very little risk. A hurt feeling or two will not stop me from living my life and smiling because I deserve to!!! I'll keep you posted if I even get a lame excuse but you will not hear about any future relatinship or dates with Mr. Jerry (the crack head!). Have a blessed day, off to church!  God is good and he has a plan for all of us!!  Mine just did not include one hot looking man named Jerry, too bad (for him!!!)