Computer Classes And Before My Ultrasound
The first thing she asked me was how my doctor’s appointment went. No doctor’s appointment. My ultrasound is Monday. It’s the computer classes I went to. She asked me how they are going. I told her good – I went to 2 today and 2 yesterday. I was very bored because it’s so basic. She chuckled and said she thought that would happen. I told her I sat there and looked at my pictures (I have a lot posted) on Facebook and other internet stuff. Oh, my youngest and how his curly strawberry blonde hair is no longer there. Every time the instructor came back I’d minimize it not to get into trouble. I also said how when I came in I sat in the back by the door and I wore black pants (not these jeans I had on) because I was scared.
It’s a lot of older women and it’s so slow. The instructor said how fast we are all catching on and I was thinking like ‘it’s still slow!’ Even when the class is over or breaks I’m out of there and they are still sitting. But I’m like that. She smiled like she knows. I told her how I gave tips to the person next to me (our daughters went to school together) and she wondered why I’m there and even the instructor said she didn’t need to come back and check. My therapist said it’s good experience and practice for me. Yes. Both to be in a class and handle my problem.
She asked me how that went. I told her I didn’t make it the whole hour. She seemed to take a break around the hour mark. But no one else ever left. When I did I had talked to the girl next to me a little before and told her I’d be right back so they didn’t think I just walked out. When I came back another lady looked funny at me and the instructor said she thought I walked out on her – I got her worried. I just laughed and said, “No. I came back!” She asked if everyone heard that. Yes – definitely. She asked if they probably just brushed it off – she would have. Probably. I seem to be OK the second half because by the time we come back only 30-45 minutes are left.
But it makes me scared to leave. I don’t want to call attention to it. In fact one time I didn’t make it all the way. She asked me if I had extra clothes with me. No, I didn’t. She said I might want to keep them with me at all times. Or in the car and I can go get them. I replied yes and hope it doesn’t show. I told her it wasn’t a lot but still. She told me I should just plan on leaving one time during it. I told her the other time I left the girl next to me showed me what I missed and luckily it was just one thing and I am fast. She nodded. I try to remember to take my cell phone with me so it looks like it may have to do with a phone call instead.
I took out my little piece of paper and told her there’s so much going on this weekend. I actually didn’t look at it much and just talked. First I told her tonight’s my grandson’s play. The one that I missed during the day today. She smiled and nodded. I said that I guess it won’t be too long. She said I’ll just need to go when I have to. I said that I’ll be filming. She simply said, “When you gotta go, you gotta go.” I nodded.
Then I went on to tell her about my daughter how she’s been having problems with her stomach. Unlike me, she’s like my Mom, in going to the ER, doctors and tests. She’s having an ultrasound tomorrow and I have to pick my grandson up from school. On Tuesday she’s having an endoscopy and my grandson will sleep over Monday night and I’ll take him to school the next day. Then I’ll go to the hospital to be with her because I feel like I need to be. She’s my daughter. At least to be in there when she gets the results. She nodded like yes – it’s a good idea. I just need to be with her.
Then Saturday is a Kid Expo they talked about a while ago but haven’t mentioned anything more. I’m not wanting to go because I just don’t want to deal with my problem more – again. I’m tired of it. She asked where it was. At a big local park. She said I’d have to prepare for it with clothes and such. I said how it’s for kids so there has to be bathrooms around. She smiled. But I went on to say that it’s all the unknowns and you don’t know where they are or if we are in line for something and such. She said, “That’s right.”
I told her Saturday night we have the Trivia thing. She asked me if I would want to go to the Kid Expo if I didn’t have to deal with this problem. Yes. She said that some people would say that doing both is just too much. But she knows I’m not like that. No. I’m so bored right now in my life I want to do more things. So I guess I’ll wait and see if they ask again. And with the Trivia Night I’m not afraid because it’s open to walk around. There are tables to bid on things and no one knows if you are going there or to the bathroom or where ever.
Then I said about my ultrasound being Monday. I didn’t say much about it now – I came back to it later. She asked me what time. I told her 10:30. I know, and they know I have to be somewhere, I have to be here by 1 PM. I think I’ll tell them I have to leave by 12:15 to give it a little buffer. They said I should be OK because I don’t have to be examined this time. Just wait in line to see him. A few weeks ago I was there for 3 hours. Wow, she exclaimed.
Then I told her about my birthday being Sunday. She was very happy and said, “Yes, Happy Birthday.” I told her I’m not that excited about it. It’s not the age. 50 was very hard for me but this is OK. It’s only a number and not what you are like or what you do. She asked me how old I’ll be. I told her I’ve caught up with her – 54. Guess she didn’t remember that.
I asked her if she thought my youngest will call me. She didn’t know. She said right now he’s in a stage in his life that he may not know up or down. She doesn’t want me to be disappointed if he doesn’t. We talked about the on the ballot in a community nearby that lost by 5 votes. She says then he can be closer. But it was just to get it on the ballot and the mayor will keep trying. She joked and said I should work for that campaign.
I said I don’t know how he’s making it. She said maybe something he’s working out with someone else. And I didn’t want my husband to be an enabler to help him find a place. We are too far away. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack for us. She agreed about me now wanting him to be an enabler. I said when it’s the others birthdays I call him and remind him to call them. I don’t think my husband will do that. She asked if I could ask him to. No, it wouldn’t be the same. And I have in the past and I just don’t want to again.
I went on to say that this is the only birthday I don’t have to plan. I do all the planning and try to make it nice for the others in my family and I don’t think they will. And it’s on Sunday. We do our things and then it’s afternoon and there’s nothing to do. The kids come over, they are into their IPods and I play with the little kids.
She asked me what would make my birthday nice. To all do something together – do something, not just be together. She said it’s my day and I deserve it. I can tell them when they come in to put their media in a basket. It’s going to be a media free day. We could all play a game like Pictionary so everyone could get involved and do crazy teams. She said it’ll be nice out and we could bring dinner to a park and eat and let the little kids run and play. She told me not to be disappointed if my youngest doesn’t call. It’s not his type of thing.
A couple other things before I get into the ultrasound thing. I told her that I gave the Opening Day tickets back to my son. There’s just too much to do that day (Monday) and another class that evening and my grandson spending the night. Those classes should get less boring the more complicated they get. She nodded. I also asked to change the time next Thursday because of a class and thanked her for changing for today. Either 3 or 4 is open now – I have my choice. I didn’t care and asked her if she preferred one over the other. She said for me to take the 3 because kids like to come in later, after school, at the 4.
When I was talking about having to go to the bathroom I told her that I did need to go. She just nodded and glanced at the clock. I went on. She told me that I can wait 45 minutes with her so I guess that’s when it was. It got more uncomfortable as I started to move around more. I finally said, “I really need to go.” She just said, “Ok,” and I got up and went. I forgot to ask her how long it was. I’m thinking 5-7 minutes but I don’t know for sure. We just continued on when I got back.
OK … about the ultrasound. I started out saying that. Then I went on to ask, “You don’t think I’ll be able to do it, do you?” She shook her head no again and again. “What do I do?” I asked her concerned. She said that I’m just setting myself up for something I can’t do and not with a full bladder. I told her I asked and he wants me to do it. She said my doctor doesn’t fully understand what’s going on with me. We both know that’s true – he forgets as soon as I leave. She even asked if they push down when they are doing it. Yes. That even gave her more reason to say I can’t. She said that I need a success there to undo what happened last year.
She told me that I’m tired of this problem and want it to be gone so badly and want to be able to do it so badly. That I put myself into situations and then I panic and can’t do it. I’m setting myself up. I tried to tell her how much I try and asked her like what. She really didn’t say but I’m wondering if she’s thinking of the exposures we do. I didn’t say anything this time but they are very helpful to me to practice what to do and to figure out not to panic – I need to figure that out. I need to do them but didn’t say a thing. The practicing with her in a safe way is really helpful. And I have to learn not to panic about it so I can wait longer.
So then we talked specifically about there. How I at least want to try. She said, “OK.” Maybe she just wants me to call them and say I can’t. I said how it’s better results with a full bladder. And I don’t want them to miss anything. We talked a little about how last time I went downstairs first. Then I got to the waiting room and waited and she called me in and could tell how badly I needed to go so she said to just go. Then the locked door. I didn’t even think to bring my extra clothes. I stood against the wall and then got them after. She said to always remember to have them with me at all times. I repeated it to try to remember.
I’m afraid I’ll have to go out there waiting. She suggested I go before and then go into the waiting room and wait there for half an hour. She said I can go 45 minutes with her. I said not drinking like that. She asked if there’s a bathroom down the hall. Yes. But a few weeks ago I was waiting so long to see him I knew I was next and just went inside the office. I opened the door and went. No one said anything. But for this if I go they’ll say ‘no, no … you can’t do that.’ She asked me if they take you on time. They try to but I’m the last one so they might not. But it is the same girl who knows me and I’m sure remembers what happens.
I again said I’m afraid I’ll go out in the waiting area or like last year what happened. She asked me if I’m afraid I’ll go during the test. Yes! Can you imagine – that would be so bad! I once asked her if that’s happened before and she said one person who wasn’t even that old. Kind of like she’d expect that from an older person but I’m not old! Like a negative thing.
I think this is where I needed to go to the bathroom and then came back. I tried to sum it up a bit. I told her that I know she thinks I can’t do this and how I want this to go away. But I do want to try. I need to know how I can not feel bad if something happens. How I can not go into that shame. She nodded like she understood and said that it’s not a shame thing. I said that maybe I’ll make a joke about it like, ‘Oh, it happened again’. Right. I told her that this is an extra-ordinary circumstance – it’s not always like this. She agreed.
Then she asked me how I’m doing on my going every hour. Am I making it an hour? I told her sometimes not and sometimes I do. When I don’t I feel bad. She said not to. To consider it something – I can’t remember what and acted like she figured I wouldn’t make it an hour pretty much of the time. And sometimes I do and it’s a pain. I’m trying but it’s hard. I gave the situation like yesterday and the classes. I went to the bathroom before I left home, then when I got there which I didn’t really need to because it’s only 5 minutes from my house. Then I didn’t make it to the break and went, then at the break and so on. She said on days like that it’s an exception.
She said that she needs to wear a “Just Do It” shirt like I have. To keep it there and put it on for clients like me. I asked her if she has one. No. She said that or a hat. She said it’s important to do this hour thing so that it cuts down on spasms and I can go places and not worry anymore. She said it’s like training and it might take a year. A year! I went on to say that it’s 15 minutes every week. She didn’t say but it seems like she thinks it may take longer than that. I did ask her if she thought I should really start at every 45 minutes or 30 minutes. I said no to the thirty minutes and she nodded in agreement but yes to the every 45 minutes.
She said that we know those numbers I showed the doctor aren’t the truth. I knew it but didn’t want to say and smiled embarrassed like I got caught. She said it’s OK – we just know it. I didn’t say but I did admit to lying about it on a message and telling her. I guess I didn’t want to face it now but she acted like it wasn’t a big deal. We just know about it.
She went on to say that it’s like running a marathon. It takes training. You can’t just plunge into it. I told her I’ve been doing what I’m doing - training. We didn’t say but she knows I mean trying to drink more and waiting as long as I can. She said I need to do this to get rid of the spasms. She asked me how fit I would be right now to run a marathon. Not very much at all, I chuckled. It’s the same thing. I’m not fit enough to do this and I could get hurt. I told her if I don’t drink I can wait a lot longer. She looked at me almost scoldingly and told me I have to drink and try to increase my fluids.
So in ending I asked her, “Aren’t you glad you don’t have this problem?” She said that at an upcoming wedding she was asked to share a room with her mother-in-law, who has this problem, to help her change her pads. I told her she must be worse than me – I don’t wear pads like that. She nodded she is. I asked her if it’s that fallen bladder that I don’t have. She said probably but she doesn’t know for sure.
So I just summarized what I am and am not afraid of these coming days – well maybe just a little but not a lot. I’m not afraid of the play tonight, I’m not afraid of the Trivia Night or being at the hospital with my daughter and her boyfriend. It’s the ultrasound. I’m really afraid of the ultrasound. She nodded like she knows and told me to set that aside. It’s my birthday weekend and I need to enjoy that. She smiled and said that she’s glad now that I’ve caught up with her. We both smiled and I commented how we’re getting older. I got up and told her to have a nice weekend on my way out.
It’s a lot of older women and it’s so slow. The instructor said how fast we are all catching on and I was thinking like ‘it’s still slow!’ Even when the class is over or breaks I’m out of there and they are still sitting. But I’m like that. She smiled like she knows. I told her how I gave tips to the person next to me (our daughters went to school together) and she wondered why I’m there and even the instructor said she didn’t need to come back and check. My therapist said it’s good experience and practice for me. Yes. Both to be in a class and handle my problem.
She asked me how that went. I told her I didn’t make it the whole hour. She seemed to take a break around the hour mark. But no one else ever left. When I did I had talked to the girl next to me a little before and told her I’d be right back so they didn’t think I just walked out. When I came back another lady looked funny at me and the instructor said she thought I walked out on her – I got her worried. I just laughed and said, “No. I came back!” She asked if everyone heard that. Yes – definitely. She asked if they probably just brushed it off – she would have. Probably. I seem to be OK the second half because by the time we come back only 30-45 minutes are left.
But it makes me scared to leave. I don’t want to call attention to it. In fact one time I didn’t make it all the way. She asked me if I had extra clothes with me. No, I didn’t. She said I might want to keep them with me at all times. Or in the car and I can go get them. I replied yes and hope it doesn’t show. I told her it wasn’t a lot but still. She told me I should just plan on leaving one time during it. I told her the other time I left the girl next to me showed me what I missed and luckily it was just one thing and I am fast. She nodded. I try to remember to take my cell phone with me so it looks like it may have to do with a phone call instead.
I took out my little piece of paper and told her there’s so much going on this weekend. I actually didn’t look at it much and just talked. First I told her tonight’s my grandson’s play. The one that I missed during the day today. She smiled and nodded. I said that I guess it won’t be too long. She said I’ll just need to go when I have to. I said that I’ll be filming. She simply said, “When you gotta go, you gotta go.” I nodded.
Then I went on to tell her about my daughter how she’s been having problems with her stomach. Unlike me, she’s like my Mom, in going to the ER, doctors and tests. She’s having an ultrasound tomorrow and I have to pick my grandson up from school. On Tuesday she’s having an endoscopy and my grandson will sleep over Monday night and I’ll take him to school the next day. Then I’ll go to the hospital to be with her because I feel like I need to be. She’s my daughter. At least to be in there when she gets the results. She nodded like yes – it’s a good idea. I just need to be with her.
Then Saturday is a Kid Expo they talked about a while ago but haven’t mentioned anything more. I’m not wanting to go because I just don’t want to deal with my problem more – again. I’m tired of it. She asked where it was. At a big local park. She said I’d have to prepare for it with clothes and such. I said how it’s for kids so there has to be bathrooms around. She smiled. But I went on to say that it’s all the unknowns and you don’t know where they are or if we are in line for something and such. She said, “That’s right.”
I told her Saturday night we have the Trivia thing. She asked me if I would want to go to the Kid Expo if I didn’t have to deal with this problem. Yes. She said that some people would say that doing both is just too much. But she knows I’m not like that. No. I’m so bored right now in my life I want to do more things. So I guess I’ll wait and see if they ask again. And with the Trivia Night I’m not afraid because it’s open to walk around. There are tables to bid on things and no one knows if you are going there or to the bathroom or where ever.
Then I said about my ultrasound being Monday. I didn’t say much about it now – I came back to it later. She asked me what time. I told her 10:30. I know, and they know I have to be somewhere, I have to be here by 1 PM. I think I’ll tell them I have to leave by 12:15 to give it a little buffer. They said I should be OK because I don’t have to be examined this time. Just wait in line to see him. A few weeks ago I was there for 3 hours. Wow, she exclaimed.
Then I told her about my birthday being Sunday. She was very happy and said, “Yes, Happy Birthday.” I told her I’m not that excited about it. It’s not the age. 50 was very hard for me but this is OK. It’s only a number and not what you are like or what you do. She asked me how old I’ll be. I told her I’ve caught up with her – 54. Guess she didn’t remember that.
I asked her if she thought my youngest will call me. She didn’t know. She said right now he’s in a stage in his life that he may not know up or down. She doesn’t want me to be disappointed if he doesn’t. We talked about the on the ballot in a community nearby that lost by 5 votes. She says then he can be closer. But it was just to get it on the ballot and the mayor will keep trying. She joked and said I should work for that campaign.
I said I don’t know how he’s making it. She said maybe something he’s working out with someone else. And I didn’t want my husband to be an enabler to help him find a place. We are too far away. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack for us. She agreed about me now wanting him to be an enabler. I said when it’s the others birthdays I call him and remind him to call them. I don’t think my husband will do that. She asked if I could ask him to. No, it wouldn’t be the same. And I have in the past and I just don’t want to again.
I went on to say that this is the only birthday I don’t have to plan. I do all the planning and try to make it nice for the others in my family and I don’t think they will. And it’s on Sunday. We do our things and then it’s afternoon and there’s nothing to do. The kids come over, they are into their IPods and I play with the little kids.
She asked me what would make my birthday nice. To all do something together – do something, not just be together. She said it’s my day and I deserve it. I can tell them when they come in to put their media in a basket. It’s going to be a media free day. We could all play a game like Pictionary so everyone could get involved and do crazy teams. She said it’ll be nice out and we could bring dinner to a park and eat and let the little kids run and play. She told me not to be disappointed if my youngest doesn’t call. It’s not his type of thing.
A couple other things before I get into the ultrasound thing. I told her that I gave the Opening Day tickets back to my son. There’s just too much to do that day (Monday) and another class that evening and my grandson spending the night. Those classes should get less boring the more complicated they get. She nodded. I also asked to change the time next Thursday because of a class and thanked her for changing for today. Either 3 or 4 is open now – I have my choice. I didn’t care and asked her if she preferred one over the other. She said for me to take the 3 because kids like to come in later, after school, at the 4.
When I was talking about having to go to the bathroom I told her that I did need to go. She just nodded and glanced at the clock. I went on. She told me that I can wait 45 minutes with her so I guess that’s when it was. It got more uncomfortable as I started to move around more. I finally said, “I really need to go.” She just said, “Ok,” and I got up and went. I forgot to ask her how long it was. I’m thinking 5-7 minutes but I don’t know for sure. We just continued on when I got back.
OK … about the ultrasound. I started out saying that. Then I went on to ask, “You don’t think I’ll be able to do it, do you?” She shook her head no again and again. “What do I do?” I asked her concerned. She said that I’m just setting myself up for something I can’t do and not with a full bladder. I told her I asked and he wants me to do it. She said my doctor doesn’t fully understand what’s going on with me. We both know that’s true – he forgets as soon as I leave. She even asked if they push down when they are doing it. Yes. That even gave her more reason to say I can’t. She said that I need a success there to undo what happened last year.
She told me that I’m tired of this problem and want it to be gone so badly and want to be able to do it so badly. That I put myself into situations and then I panic and can’t do it. I’m setting myself up. I tried to tell her how much I try and asked her like what. She really didn’t say but I’m wondering if she’s thinking of the exposures we do. I didn’t say anything this time but they are very helpful to me to practice what to do and to figure out not to panic – I need to figure that out. I need to do them but didn’t say a thing. The practicing with her in a safe way is really helpful. And I have to learn not to panic about it so I can wait longer.
So then we talked specifically about there. How I at least want to try. She said, “OK.” Maybe she just wants me to call them and say I can’t. I said how it’s better results with a full bladder. And I don’t want them to miss anything. We talked a little about how last time I went downstairs first. Then I got to the waiting room and waited and she called me in and could tell how badly I needed to go so she said to just go. Then the locked door. I didn’t even think to bring my extra clothes. I stood against the wall and then got them after. She said to always remember to have them with me at all times. I repeated it to try to remember.
I’m afraid I’ll have to go out there waiting. She suggested I go before and then go into the waiting room and wait there for half an hour. She said I can go 45 minutes with her. I said not drinking like that. She asked if there’s a bathroom down the hall. Yes. But a few weeks ago I was waiting so long to see him I knew I was next and just went inside the office. I opened the door and went. No one said anything. But for this if I go they’ll say ‘no, no … you can’t do that.’ She asked me if they take you on time. They try to but I’m the last one so they might not. But it is the same girl who knows me and I’m sure remembers what happens.
I again said I’m afraid I’ll go out in the waiting area or like last year what happened. She asked me if I’m afraid I’ll go during the test. Yes! Can you imagine – that would be so bad! I once asked her if that’s happened before and she said one person who wasn’t even that old. Kind of like she’d expect that from an older person but I’m not old! Like a negative thing.
I think this is where I needed to go to the bathroom and then came back. I tried to sum it up a bit. I told her that I know she thinks I can’t do this and how I want this to go away. But I do want to try. I need to know how I can not feel bad if something happens. How I can not go into that shame. She nodded like she understood and said that it’s not a shame thing. I said that maybe I’ll make a joke about it like, ‘Oh, it happened again’. Right. I told her that this is an extra-ordinary circumstance – it’s not always like this. She agreed.
Then she asked me how I’m doing on my going every hour. Am I making it an hour? I told her sometimes not and sometimes I do. When I don’t I feel bad. She said not to. To consider it something – I can’t remember what and acted like she figured I wouldn’t make it an hour pretty much of the time. And sometimes I do and it’s a pain. I’m trying but it’s hard. I gave the situation like yesterday and the classes. I went to the bathroom before I left home, then when I got there which I didn’t really need to because it’s only 5 minutes from my house. Then I didn’t make it to the break and went, then at the break and so on. She said on days like that it’s an exception.
She said that she needs to wear a “Just Do It” shirt like I have. To keep it there and put it on for clients like me. I asked her if she has one. No. She said that or a hat. She said it’s important to do this hour thing so that it cuts down on spasms and I can go places and not worry anymore. She said it’s like training and it might take a year. A year! I went on to say that it’s 15 minutes every week. She didn’t say but it seems like she thinks it may take longer than that. I did ask her if she thought I should really start at every 45 minutes or 30 minutes. I said no to the thirty minutes and she nodded in agreement but yes to the every 45 minutes.
She said that we know those numbers I showed the doctor aren’t the truth. I knew it but didn’t want to say and smiled embarrassed like I got caught. She said it’s OK – we just know it. I didn’t say but I did admit to lying about it on a message and telling her. I guess I didn’t want to face it now but she acted like it wasn’t a big deal. We just know about it.
She went on to say that it’s like running a marathon. It takes training. You can’t just plunge into it. I told her I’ve been doing what I’m doing - training. We didn’t say but she knows I mean trying to drink more and waiting as long as I can. She said I need to do this to get rid of the spasms. She asked me how fit I would be right now to run a marathon. Not very much at all, I chuckled. It’s the same thing. I’m not fit enough to do this and I could get hurt. I told her if I don’t drink I can wait a lot longer. She looked at me almost scoldingly and told me I have to drink and try to increase my fluids.
So in ending I asked her, “Aren’t you glad you don’t have this problem?” She said that at an upcoming wedding she was asked to share a room with her mother-in-law, who has this problem, to help her change her pads. I told her she must be worse than me – I don’t wear pads like that. She nodded she is. I asked her if it’s that fallen bladder that I don’t have. She said probably but she doesn’t know for sure.
So I just summarized what I am and am not afraid of these coming days – well maybe just a little but not a lot. I’m not afraid of the play tonight, I’m not afraid of the Trivia Night or being at the hospital with my daughter and her boyfriend. It’s the ultrasound. I’m really afraid of the ultrasound. She nodded like she knows and told me to set that aside. It’s my birthday weekend and I need to enjoy that. She smiled and said that she’s glad now that I’ve caught up with her. We both smiled and I commented how we’re getting older. I got up and told her to have a nice weekend on my way out.
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