complete rambling (read at you row risk)
There are so many things I dont understand going on in this world. I have severl friends battleing IF and loosing and here I sit pregnant at almost 8 weeks and am ridden with guilt. I just want to go hide from them all and feel horrible for getting pregnant with my first round of clomid. I have had failed IUI's i know what it is like. I have tried for years with month after month of bfn. I know there pain but i feel like some are getting unattached to me because its to hard to be my friend. I totally get that. I did it a few years ago after out first failed IUI. I totally disconected from 3 friends that all got pregnant right after my m/c. I went to there babyshowers held it together then after 3 consecutive weekends of going to other peoples baby showers I lost it. I took a step back from them. I couldnt be surrounded with all these pregnant people that decided to try and 30 days later got there BFP. I got tired of hearng about how they were really struggling because it took 3 or 4 months to get pregnant. Seriuosly? now i feel like one of "those" people. Getting pregnant this time took a year. It took medical intervention yet I know it is veiwed by many as an easy road considering what they are going through. I dont want to loose friends over this pregnancy but i deserve to be happy and celibrate this pregnancy. When i got pregnant with Ian I experianced none of this. Maybe because it was my 4th pregnancy and the first one with a happy ending. I am scared to death of going to my ob's tomorrow and not seeing a heartbeat. i know i keep saying it but it just doesnt feel right. So much that i forget im pregnant sometimes. Like at night when i say my prayers i catch myself wrapping it up with out praying for this pegnancy. I neer ever did this with Ian EVER.
Moving on.. Yesterday started out with such high hopes for many of my DH sisters. It ended in complete heartbreak. I just dont understand how things keep turing out like they are for so many of my friends. I mean it comes to a point where i start to feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over. I dont know what else to say. I pray every night for you guys and i know some how some way we will all get our dreams but there comes a point where I get angry. Enough is enough. I just want so many of you to be happy. I want many of you to feel what i felt. I just dont even know what to do.
I am fighting depression again. I hate this house! I hate living here. I want to go back home so bad. I want to have anursery for this baby. I want to have room and have a house that resembles some order. I want friends i can hang out with. I want help when I need a break. I want a life. I know I am lucky and I know I have a life many would love to have. But im not happy and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I never signed up for this. I am sacrificing for my husband. I do it because i love him. Our marraige sucks everything sucks. He works all the time we have no us time. Right now I dont even like him very much. all we do is fight. about everything. even the itty bitty littlest thing. For example if I get this job he says we will use i to get out of debt. Well first off we are hardley in debt. The 2 moves in 1 year really hurt us. We will be out of debt in 3 years or more if we keep paying how we are. I want to take he money and save it. We want to buy another house and need about 4-5k down. I want to be able to jump on a new house when his transfer goes through. I DONT wan to live with his parents for a few months while we save up. I think if im willing to get a job while pregnant to better our family I should get to say how the money is spent. He doesnt understand how bad i just want my home again. Im sure in the end we will end up saving for down payment. He gets a huge raise in september so that will also help us out. What sucks though is he got a huge raise last september then one this september then he tops out except for little step raises. He is going to try for a US Marshell as we found out they ere going to be hiring either the end of the year or begining of next year. im pretty confidant that he will get it considering he has priority hiring since he is already a fed. But i stipulated unless he is based out of atlanta he is not applying. I am not ever moving away again once i get back home.
I wish the houseing market would pick back up a little so we could sale our house and have more $ on a down payment for a bigger house when we move. But we have great tenants that are no trouble and always pay there rent on time. So im not going to rock the boat on that.
Im a little nervouse about our vivsit to Ga this weekend. The relationship with my parents is very stressed and im not in the mood to deal with them. Im just so tired of there selfishness and imaturity. I have never seen anyone as reluctant to forgive and move on as my dad. He wrecked my childhood set one bad example after another but lord forbid you make the most minor infraction to him. I just want to say grow up. There is a reason you dont have a realtionship with your grandchild. Is it worth it? Oh well it is what it is right. Well im going to try to go summons up the energy to take a shower.
But before i leave. Ian is getting so big so fast. He is learning more and more everyday. He says please and thank you. Loves to give kisses (finally). he loves to walk the dog and play outside. Its been getting super hot so i try to go out early in the morning with him. He is suca little helper and loves throwing things inthe trash. Most of the time that is a good thing. He is so stubborn, wonder where he got that from?
Moving on.. Yesterday started out with such high hopes for many of my DH sisters. It ended in complete heartbreak. I just dont understand how things keep turing out like they are for so many of my friends. I mean it comes to a point where i start to feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over. I dont know what else to say. I pray every night for you guys and i know some how some way we will all get our dreams but there comes a point where I get angry. Enough is enough. I just want so many of you to be happy. I want many of you to feel what i felt. I just dont even know what to do.
I am fighting depression again. I hate this house! I hate living here. I want to go back home so bad. I want to have anursery for this baby. I want to have room and have a house that resembles some order. I want friends i can hang out with. I want help when I need a break. I want a life. I know I am lucky and I know I have a life many would love to have. But im not happy and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I never signed up for this. I am sacrificing for my husband. I do it because i love him. Our marraige sucks everything sucks. He works all the time we have no us time. Right now I dont even like him very much. all we do is fight. about everything. even the itty bitty littlest thing. For example if I get this job he says we will use i to get out of debt. Well first off we are hardley in debt. The 2 moves in 1 year really hurt us. We will be out of debt in 3 years or more if we keep paying how we are. I want to take he money and save it. We want to buy another house and need about 4-5k down. I want to be able to jump on a new house when his transfer goes through. I DONT wan to live with his parents for a few months while we save up. I think if im willing to get a job while pregnant to better our family I should get to say how the money is spent. He doesnt understand how bad i just want my home again. Im sure in the end we will end up saving for down payment. He gets a huge raise in september so that will also help us out. What sucks though is he got a huge raise last september then one this september then he tops out except for little step raises. He is going to try for a US Marshell as we found out they ere going to be hiring either the end of the year or begining of next year. im pretty confidant that he will get it considering he has priority hiring since he is already a fed. But i stipulated unless he is based out of atlanta he is not applying. I am not ever moving away again once i get back home.
I wish the houseing market would pick back up a little so we could sale our house and have more $ on a down payment for a bigger house when we move. But we have great tenants that are no trouble and always pay there rent on time. So im not going to rock the boat on that.
Im a little nervouse about our vivsit to Ga this weekend. The relationship with my parents is very stressed and im not in the mood to deal with them. Im just so tired of there selfishness and imaturity. I have never seen anyone as reluctant to forgive and move on as my dad. He wrecked my childhood set one bad example after another but lord forbid you make the most minor infraction to him. I just want to say grow up. There is a reason you dont have a realtionship with your grandchild. Is it worth it? Oh well it is what it is right. Well im going to try to go summons up the energy to take a shower.
But before i leave. Ian is getting so big so fast. He is learning more and more everyday. He says please and thank you. Loves to give kisses (finally). he loves to walk the dog and play outside. Its been getting super hot so i try to go out early in the morning with him. He is suca little helper and loves throwing things inthe trash. Most of the time that is a good thing. He is so stubborn, wonder where he got that from?
Replies
Nikki, you have such a beautiful heart. As you know, I am one of the people who received bad news yesterday. But Nikki, you should NEVER feel guilty about your own pregnancy! I am rejoicing in your success! My husband and I have been trying to have a child for 40 months now. Yes, those months have brought their share of significant heartbreak with our three miscarriages and the infertility on top of that. But, I have been blessed. I have been blessed beyond measure. Perhaps many of the blessings I have received personally, I would not have received in any other way. I have learned to still be happy with my life, despite the fact that we do not have a living child. I have learned to love and enjoy the simple things. My marriage has strengthened beyond my wildest dreams. As much as the past 40 months have in some ways been the hardest of my life, they have actually been the best. There is joy to be found on the journey and not just in the destination. I have also been so blessed by the sweet kindness of women like you who are so genuine and kind in wanting people like me to become mothers to living breathing children. I am praying for you. I am praying that your OB appointment goes WONDERFULLY tomorrow!
I am so sorry you are struggling with depression. Any time it feels like aspects of our lives are out of control, it is very normal to feel depressed. When you are unhappy where you live, that is SO hard. I am also sorry you and your husband are struggling and that your relationship with your parents is difficult. You have A LOT on your plate and I will be praying extra hard for you. Hang in there and know that you DO have friends who care about you. I am sending a HUGE hug to you, my friend.
Nikki- you are just so genuine I love it. Don\'t ever feel guilty about being pregnant. I can tell you that girls with IF rejoice when one of us gets a BFP!!!! This pregnancy is good I know it. Take care of yourself. Want to write more but I am driving lol. I know, bad girl! It\'s the only time I cam get on DS lately lol. Xoxox Jen
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty or bad about being pregnant!!!! You give me HOPE. I\'m so happy for you. I\'m sorry you dislike where you are living and I hope things turn around for you. Maybe you will get this job and meet some people you like and can hang out with! You never know. We all have a different path to travel in life. Some paths are full of roadblocks and puddles and hurdles and some are curvy at first and then become smooth... You should be ecstatic that you are pregnant! If someone doesn\'t want to continue a friendship with you - then it\'s their loss. You ROCK! I wish we lived closer. I feel like we\'d click and be good friends. You take care of yourself and your baby!!! xoxo
Nikki I understand what you are talking about...I feel the same way....times three. Like I should be passing them out! I am very grateful that my road of IF was not as long as most but it still makes it hard....especially since I am having triplets. I am very happy thought.....I would never change this outcome ever!
You have no reason to feel guilty hun. This is your time to be happy but you can also be there for your friends and it sounds like you want to be. I hope you feel better soon and let yourself enjoy this beautiful time.
Hey girl, I\'m sorry to hear about some of the things you are struggling with. I really hope that everything starts to work itself out soon. A child is a blessing, whether you tried 3 months or 3 years, and I hate to see you put this guilt on yourself and not allow yourself to celebrate the pregnancy as you deserve to. Keep your head up! I can relate to moving away from family and friends for your spouse....AND to the working tons of hours. I feel pretty alone here sometimes, too. I know that doesn\'t help, but I just wanted to let you know I can understand where you are comming from. Hope you feel better soon and good luck at the u/s!