complete rambling (read at you row risk)
There are so many things I dont understand going on in this world. I have severl friends battleing IF and loosing and here I sit pregnant at almost 8 weeks and am ridden with guilt. I just want to go hide from them all and feel horrible for getting pregnant with my first round of clomid. I have had failed IUI's i know what it is like. I have tried for years with month after month of bfn. I know there pain but i feel like some are getting unattached to me because its to hard to be my friend. I totally get that. I did it a few years ago after out first failed IUI. I totally disconected from 3 friends that all got pregnant right after my m/c. I went to there babyshowers held it together then after 3 consecutive weekends of going to other peoples baby showers I lost it. I took a step back from them. I couldnt be surrounded with all these pregnant people that decided to try and 30 days later got there BFP. I got tired of hearng about how they were really struggling because it took 3 or 4 months to get pregnant. Seriuosly? now i feel like one of "those" people. Getting pregnant this time took a year. It took medical intervention yet I know it is veiwed by many as an easy road considering what they are going through. I dont want to loose friends over this pregnancy but i deserve to be happy and celibrate this pregnancy. When i got pregnant with Ian I experianced none of this. Maybe because it was my 4th pregnancy and the first one with a happy ending. I am scared to death of going to my ob's tomorrow and not seeing a heartbeat. i know i keep saying it but it just doesnt feel right. So much that i forget im pregnant sometimes. Like at night when i say my prayers i catch myself wrapping it up with out praying for this pegnancy. I neer ever did this with Ian EVER.
Moving on.. Yesterday started out with such high hopes for many of my DH sisters. It ended in complete heartbreak. I just dont understand how things keep turing out like they are for so many of my friends. I mean it comes to a point where i start to feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over. I dont know what else to say. I pray every night for you guys and i know some how some way we will all get our dreams but there comes a point where I get angry. Enough is enough. I just want so many of you to be happy. I want many of you to feel what i felt. I just dont even know what to do.
I am fighting depression again. I hate this house! I hate living here. I want to go back home so bad. I want to have anursery for this baby. I want to have room and have a house that resembles some order. I want friends i can hang out with. I want help when I need a break. I want a life. I know I am lucky and I know I have a life many would love to have. But im not happy and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I never signed up for this. I am sacrificing for my husband. I do it because i love him. Our marraige sucks everything sucks. He works all the time we have no us time. Right now I dont even like him very much. all we do is fight. about everything. even the itty bitty littlest thing. For example if I get this job he says we will use i to get out of debt. Well first off we are hardley in debt. The 2 moves in 1 year really hurt us. We will be out of debt in 3 years or more if we keep paying how we are. I want to take he money and save it. We want to buy another house and need about 4-5k down. I want to be able to jump on a new house when his transfer goes through. I DONT wan to live with his parents for a few months while we save up. I think if im willing to get a job while pregnant to better our family I should get to say how the money is spent. He doesnt understand how bad i just want my home again. Im sure in the end we will end up saving for down payment. He gets a huge raise in september so that will also help us out. What sucks though is he got a huge raise last september then one this september then he tops out except for little step raises. He is going to try for a US Marshell as we found out they ere going to be hiring either the end of the year or begining of next year. im pretty confidant that he will get it considering he has priority hiring since he is already a fed. But i stipulated unless he is based out of atlanta he is not applying. I am not ever moving away again once i get back home.
I wish the houseing market would pick back up a little so we could sale our house and have more $ on a down payment for a bigger house when we move. But we have great tenants that are no trouble and always pay there rent on time. So im not going to rock the boat on that.
Im a little nervouse about our vivsit to Ga this weekend. The relationship with my parents is very stressed and im not in the mood to deal with them. Im just so tired of there selfishness and imaturity. I have never seen anyone as reluctant to forgive and move on as my dad. He wrecked my childhood set one bad example after another but lord forbid you make the most minor infraction to him. I just want to say grow up. There is a reason you dont have a realtionship with your grandchild. Is it worth it? Oh well it is what it is right. Well im going to try to go summons up the energy to take a shower.
But before i leave. Ian is getting so big so fast. He is learning more and more everyday. He says please and thank you. Loves to give kisses (finally). he loves to walk the dog and play outside. Its been getting super hot so i try to go out early in the morning with him. He is suca little helper and loves throwing things inthe trash. Most of the time that is a good thing. He is so stubborn, wonder where he got that from?
Moving on.. Yesterday started out with such high hopes for many of my DH sisters. It ended in complete heartbreak. I just dont understand how things keep turing out like they are for so many of my friends. I mean it comes to a point where i start to feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over. I dont know what else to say. I pray every night for you guys and i know some how some way we will all get our dreams but there comes a point where I get angry. Enough is enough. I just want so many of you to be happy. I want many of you to feel what i felt. I just dont even know what to do.
I am fighting depression again. I hate this house! I hate living here. I want to go back home so bad. I want to have anursery for this baby. I want to have room and have a house that resembles some order. I want friends i can hang out with. I want help when I need a break. I want a life. I know I am lucky and I know I have a life many would love to have. But im not happy and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I never signed up for this. I am sacrificing for my husband. I do it because i love him. Our marraige sucks everything sucks. He works all the time we have no us time. Right now I dont even like him very much. all we do is fight. about everything. even the itty bitty littlest thing. For example if I get this job he says we will use i to get out of debt. Well first off we are hardley in debt. The 2 moves in 1 year really hurt us. We will be out of debt in 3 years or more if we keep paying how we are. I want to take he money and save it. We want to buy another house and need about 4-5k down. I want to be able to jump on a new house when his transfer goes through. I DONT wan to live with his parents for a few months while we save up. I think if im willing to get a job while pregnant to better our family I should get to say how the money is spent. He doesnt understand how bad i just want my home again. Im sure in the end we will end up saving for down payment. He gets a huge raise in september so that will also help us out. What sucks though is he got a huge raise last september then one this september then he tops out except for little step raises. He is going to try for a US Marshell as we found out they ere going to be hiring either the end of the year or begining of next year. im pretty confidant that he will get it considering he has priority hiring since he is already a fed. But i stipulated unless he is based out of atlanta he is not applying. I am not ever moving away again once i get back home.
I wish the houseing market would pick back up a little so we could sale our house and have more $ on a down payment for a bigger house when we move. But we have great tenants that are no trouble and always pay there rent on time. So im not going to rock the boat on that.
Im a little nervouse about our vivsit to Ga this weekend. The relationship with my parents is very stressed and im not in the mood to deal with them. Im just so tired of there selfishness and imaturity. I have never seen anyone as reluctant to forgive and move on as my dad. He wrecked my childhood set one bad example after another but lord forbid you make the most minor infraction to him. I just want to say grow up. There is a reason you dont have a realtionship with your grandchild. Is it worth it? Oh well it is what it is right. Well im going to try to go summons up the energy to take a shower.
But before i leave. Ian is getting so big so fast. He is learning more and more everyday. He says please and thank you. Loves to give kisses (finally). he loves to walk the dog and play outside. Its been getting super hot so i try to go out early in the morning with him. He is suca little helper and loves throwing things inthe trash. Most of the time that is a good thing. He is so stubborn, wonder where he got that from?
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