Coming to terms with ADHD - not so bad after all.
At first didn't want to go to the appt. that took me a month out to get because I knew that I'd be officiallly diagnosed with ADHD... I thought great "co-occuring disorder" and I've worked so hard to stay away from anything addictive to never have that diagnosis. Plus I've been like this my entire life and I'm not kidding... I've always been like the way I've been... It didn't start in school or just happen one day when I was eating, etc. I've always had the oh only way to say it is a nervous energy to go go go... People think of me as a brain because thats how I come across BUT thats because I couldn't turn off my brain, or my nervous system, or anxiety, or eating or..........
Well the psychiatrist said that he wasn't even going to diagnose me with an eating disorder because adhd which is a neurotransmitter problem with the brain could potentially cause me to appear like I have an addiction when in fact its a way to self medicate or try to calm or soothe myself. WOW- hit me on the head.... FINALLY a Dr. that doesn't just see the eating disorder and assume all the classical thoughts about who/what I might be...
So he did diagnose me with ADHD and yes for the first time in my life I'm trying medicine to correct what he says is an abnormality. He basically said that if your eyes such you go to a doctor to get a prescription for eye glasses and nobody thinks poorly of that... He said that the frontal part of my brain works a certain way and without this the electricily doesn't stop.
So I tried the lowest dosage and I'm not kidding, like magic, everything in my life went calm. Not like a sedative but just calm. My mood calm. I could be with the people I love and not have the go-goes to go to something (I always have had that feeling - almost like claustrophobia of some sort)... Oh and without cold or sleeping meds I'm sleeping better than I've ever slept in my entire life... And my house is getting organized and kept soooo clean...
I'm kicking myself for not being honest abot the ADHD sooner... So many years wasted.
I know so many people who are against giving/taking medication for adhd but would they say that if someone had diabetes or a thyroid disorder... No you take the medicine and get better. Well I'm doing this and I can 100% say my life changed overnight. Now I actually have to remember to eat - amazing to say the least because usually my brain just kept thinking about food over and over and over.
Well the psychiatrist said that he wasn't even going to diagnose me with an eating disorder because adhd which is a neurotransmitter problem with the brain could potentially cause me to appear like I have an addiction when in fact its a way to self medicate or try to calm or soothe myself. WOW- hit me on the head.... FINALLY a Dr. that doesn't just see the eating disorder and assume all the classical thoughts about who/what I might be...
So he did diagnose me with ADHD and yes for the first time in my life I'm trying medicine to correct what he says is an abnormality. He basically said that if your eyes such you go to a doctor to get a prescription for eye glasses and nobody thinks poorly of that... He said that the frontal part of my brain works a certain way and without this the electricily doesn't stop.
So I tried the lowest dosage and I'm not kidding, like magic, everything in my life went calm. Not like a sedative but just calm. My mood calm. I could be with the people I love and not have the go-goes to go to something (I always have had that feeling - almost like claustrophobia of some sort)... Oh and without cold or sleeping meds I'm sleeping better than I've ever slept in my entire life... And my house is getting organized and kept soooo clean...
I'm kicking myself for not being honest abot the ADHD sooner... So many years wasted.
I know so many people who are against giving/taking medication for adhd but would they say that if someone had diabetes or a thyroid disorder... No you take the medicine and get better. Well I'm doing this and I can 100% say my life changed overnight. Now I actually have to remember to eat - amazing to say the least because usually my brain just kept thinking about food over and over and over.
Replies
I can empathize with you. I am not as intelligent as you, but in my circle i am, and feel I am always over explaining things in person, and in letters. I can not help myself, and do not know how to turn it off. i have self medicated in my past, trying to quiet my brain\'s need for outside stimulation. because of this immense need for outside stimulation, i have gotten myself fired from many jobs, because I got bored, and did wrong things, and did practical jokes that went wrong. The longest job i have held was for 3 years, but before that a year at the most. I feel completely disabled, and actually am, because where i live, and my insurance, I can\'t get the proper help.
I did have one of those med doctors, that give you all kinds of meds, and do not care. I did try to experiment with my own treatment, and tried different medications, but none of them worked. many times I have searched, and searched for help, but could not find it. i gave up, and just settled with i have to deal with it, which obviously is not going to good, for it has given rise to other mental illness.
It has ruined any kind of relationship i have had, including my current one. I have started self medicating myself again, because of my racing thoughts that do not shut off, and usually become negative. i also feel i have to over explain my ADHD to optional partners, because they get annoyed, and run if i do not get them to understand. I know i am not a bad person, and try to follow Christ, and do the right thing, but because of my impulsiveness, and my non filter for first thoughts, i get myself into trouble a lot.
Anyway I just wanted to write more on why I wanted to become your friend, so you understood, and wanted to relate, since there is not a lot of adults getting the help they need form this. I am afraid to even get my hopes up, because i am 40 and nothing else has worked, except just dealing with it, and continue living my life in melancholy with not hope of a future or family of my own.
yes for some ADHD can be that debilitating unfortunately.
By the way I am very glad that were able to get diagnosed, and get proper treatment. I know how it feels, and how no matte how intelligent we are, it can be a huge hinderance, and learning disability. I kinda think of ADHD as a curse for intelligent people, since most sufferers are intelligent. they have to to make it through school without studying like me.
So good for you. :)
Thank you so much for posting... still going strong and it stills seems to be working for me.
I read your posts... and during that I kept thinking... what is he talking about - not as intelligent... I\'ve read lots of responses and posts and you write very well and sounds like you know really what problems you have (or at least you have the jest of it).
Understand about disability... I survived school because I told them (schools) that I don\'t care what they need, I\'ll get it because I know what I need in the classroom to be able to learn and perform. So I got diagnosed and got what I needed in school... Believe me I didn\'t want anyone to know, and I didn\'t want it in my school records, and I found it rather embarrassing when I was highlighted or singled out.. BUT... I got through.
Is it possible to get state aid to get proper diagnosis and treatment? Oh and all this happened in the last year for me - I\'m older than you so keep trying to look for the answer. And part of the reason I posted this was from what you said about not a lot of people getting the help they need or atleast not posting. Kind of depressing in itself.
Have you ever read anything by Dr. Daniel Amen... He has been the lead in brain spect scanning and actual diagnosing different types of ADD/ADHD brains. If you can\'t afford or don\'t want to deal with a face-to-face Dr. or more than likely they try to put you with someone who really has no clue - a general/family/broad-based counselor or social worker who knows only the basics of adhd and probably associates lack of focus and defiants. Dr. Amen\'s books may help because he offers other things that you might try... but figuring out whats really going on in the brain is the first foundational step. I.e. are you producing too much hormone or depleted or maybe a combination... Cravings and impulsive actions can be helped significantly when the epinephrine, norepinephrine, and dopamine reach the brain in the right combination. Love his tips (outside of prescriptions also) but they weren\'t enough for me. I gave up dairy, glutten, red, blue and yellow dyes that US manufacturers put in food. Actually read that US manufactures are actually causing most of the health problems in America... sugar acts like cocaine in the brain... people who eat a lot of sugar also ingest the triplicate craving combination - sugar, salt & fat which manufacturers bank on... Crave sugar and more than likely too much sugar, too much salt and too much fat - host of health problems.
Best thing is coffee... I don\'t drink hardly anything now... I don\'t have the impulsive things that got me in to trouble... And yes ADHD is a HUGE pain in the butt affecting every single bit of a person\'s life. And most people, even if they are specialists, if they don\'t have it there is no way they can understand growing up, existing and trying to get buy in the world with it. And the more we try the worse it gets... High intelligence means that we also more than likely have a high degree of judgement and that comes back to bite us on the axx because we tell ourselves we know whats right, we know what everybody thinks everybody should be doing, think a lot of us feel tremendous frustration, guilt, judgement... but here is the really great thing and it makes me laugh... it seems we never give up because what makes us somewhat broken gives us the go-goes to keep going, keep trying, keep believing that we can figure it out.
Enjoyed readign and posting... I\'m on and off... on tonight due to being on vacation and having to administer meds and cold packs to a lil one every 3 hours... broke both the ulna and radius in left arm...
Oh just one to make one comment to think about... I graduated top in my class with same degree as 97% who were either mediocre or didn\'t even seem to want to be in class or learn the subject matter. So keep searching out and looking for that one doctor that falls into the 5-7% of being exceptional, knowing his/her stuff and continually learning about the cutting edge... Not everyone is passionate. And I heard this over and over and would agree - dont depend on a general practioner, broad based clinical social worker or family counselor to medicate, give specialized guidance and actually tweak it towards what you might need. Try to find a specialist who deals with adult ADHD - and if thats not possible go with a child ADHD specialist because at least they know there 7 different types of adhd and it manifests so differently in everyone and what to try.
Keep positive, keep looking for your answers...
Yes I had recognized the name, and looked up Dr. Amen. I had bought that book a long time ago. If anything it got me into more trouble, for when I mentioned it to my phycologist at the government run clinic, he laughed at it, said it was bogus, and than went on to say other things that I was faking depression, and suicide for attention and stuff. I lost my temper, and yelled at him, and than reported him, and never seen him again. The funny thing is later he got fired anyway form the clinic from other patient complaints.
I had made, and went to an appointment to a place called the Dent clinic that does all that brain scanning stuff. I had explained what I was looking for before I came in, and if they could help me. The receptionist said yes. I came in an the doctor asked me what I wanted. When I explained it to him, and showed him the book, he said they can\'t help me, and a basically said it was hokum as well.
Using this book I had said I tried to diagnose myself, and my current general doctor at that time, and pretty much gave me any med I wanted, but none of it worked.
Recently about coupla years ago, i had requested testing to get a proper diagnosis of what was wrong with me. It was pretty extensive including an IQ test. He did not obviously believe in adult ADD either for I said you cannot test for it, it is an interview style test, and history test. He disagreed. he actually diagnosed me and possible anti-social personality disorder. I did not know much about it, but I try to stay open minded, because i want to get better, and read up on it. I was horrified. It pretty much said I had lack of empty when the exact opposite was true.
\"It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
Callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations;
Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
Marked readiness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.\"
The only ones that match me is the low tolerance, and establishing long enduring relationships, but those can be easily explained by most mental illness, especially ADHD. So yes I was pretty upset, and knew this was NOT me. He talked to me after, and I very assertively told him all of this, and told him that you can not diagnose ADD or ADHD with a pen and paper test. There has to be an interview, and early childhood history before the age of 7, which I have all. I do not just have some of the qualifications, I have every single one.
The funny thing is as a child i did not want the stigma of being diagnosed, and my mother refused to allow them to give me any medicine at that time. It did not matter for I was the outcast anyway, and ended up being in an alternative class, which i hated, because it was completely dumbed down. i thought that was pretty discriminative, just because you have some difficulties, or a mental illness you are dumb? I had to ride the ha ha bus, they use to call it, because i got bullied on the regular bus, and acted out because of my temper to fight back. A lot of the times, and dates are confusing, for it seems like such a cluster, but because of troubles in school, i was sexually abused, and physically abuse by my elementary principal when he pulled me into a janitors closet. I had thought I deserved it at that time, and did not know any better, even though I felt something was wrong. later i finally could not take it anymore, and in 7 grade, acted out on purpose to get myself kicked out of school, since i did not want to go anymore. I basically told them that i wold continue to act out till they kicked me out, because they did nothing about the bullying, or did anything to help me. I went to a alternative school which was also dumbed down, and was doing long division, when my school mates in my regular school were learning algebra. When i was integrated back, I had two years of math to catch up on. the last school I went to was in Rochester, and as i said I never did homework,and here majority of my teachers actually let me sleep in class, because i was an A student. i was actually really bored in the classes, and they would wake me up for tests, and such. i skip class a lot, but was still on the dean\'s list. only class i had trouble in was math, specifically trig. After school moved to Lockport on my own, and went to college, but had to hitchhike everyday. Was confused on what i wanted to do, so i ended up majoring in theatre arts. Fianlly, because I had a hard time supporting myself, and had no food, and it finally got tome i ended up quitting so i could work full time. I tried again late o and major in digital arts to help with my videographer that i self taught myself. had to quit there too, because of money, and I had an anxiety attack, and depression had overcome me. I still work on my videographer business while I am disabled, and actually have made 4 paid commercials, which 3 of them have aired on TV and are still being run. the third one that I made for my church, they have not bought any air time yet, but paid me for the commercial which I ended up using all that money to self medicate because of how i was feeling with my girlfriend. Was actually going to use that money to buy myself an iPhone through straight talk, but instead was putting it aside to save up for Phoebe to come out, or to pay for food, and going out etc.
Sorry getting to fear of a tangent I think. Well i think the point is, which you already know, I am intelligent, am talented and am able to do stuff like make commercials, but i wanted to try to make my business legal, taxes and such, which i can only do part time right now cause of my disability, but i can do it on my time instead of a 9-5 job, because I have god and bad days. The details i had problem with, and my mind would just go blank every time i tried to do it, and had asked Phoebe for help, and i think she did not quite get it, and was treating me like a child, but she did agree, but than she disappeared, and all this happened.
OK i guess i am not sure what the point was, and kinda lost it sorry. :(
oh by the way my favorite commercial i did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggf1r_9poFs