Coming out and telling "The Folks" that we're IF.
I can breathe easier, for the first time in ... months, years?... a long time ;-) We decided to talk to my parents last night and tell them what we've been going through and where we're going now. We have decided not to pursue IVF. Ouch, that hurts. I have given myself full and open permission to grieve the loss of our opportunity to have kids who look like us. I'm doing this so that I can finally be wholly and really excited about adoption. Really excited. REALLY EXCITED!!! ;-D I guess we've just been so battered and bruised through this whole IF thing that we're... tired. Oh, so tired.
Anyway, I digress...
I mentioned in a previous journal entry that my sister is adopted. She's my big sis, and she wasn't a new addition to me, so I never really think about our genetic differences. She's my sister, full stop. I've never really known much about the hows and whys of her addition to our family, because she was adopted in the early 70s and my folks come from the generation who don't talk about certain subjects. In telling them what DH and I have been struggling with, they opened up and made me wish we'd talked to them sooner. Here's the scoop: My parents were told they wouldn't likely have children on their own. Until last night, I didn't know that they traveled a similar road as DH and I with specialists and treatments, (being what treatments were in the early 70s). So, they applied for adoption, and before they had submitted the last of the paperwork, they got a call saying there was a 5-week-old baby who was a match for them. (Boy, have things changed! The wait list now is more like 1-3 years IF you're chosen by the birthparents.) They brought her home and she was their first. And, I say this with no jealousy, she has a very special place in their hearts. Then, my parents had 3 more of us biologically and without treatments. Mom also had several miscarriages and poor health; it wasn't easy at all for her. So, when DH and I told them we are considering adoption, Mom got excited and Dad became practical, ('cause that's what he does). Mom has a hard time remembering what day it is sometimes, but she can remember details of my sister's adoption and childhood that put my dad's precise memory to shame. It was like I could hear her reliving her happiness in finally having her child. My dad had advice for us that we both really appreciate. What a fantastic support and resource to have - Why didn't we tell them sooner?! Oh, right, we weren't ready.
We didn't make this decision lightly. I still wish we could have a biological child; I don't know if that ever goes away. I guess we'll have to wait and see where the grieving leads. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: I just want a child. And short of stealing one, (and we all know that's a huge no-no!!), adoption has better odds for us. I don't think I've ever been so sure of something this big in our lives, other than of getting married. We've booked an appointment to meet with our chosen adoption agency so we can ask our remaining questions and prepare to start the process.
We'll be telling DH's parents soon, too. From there, I'm planning to open up to more friends and going public. Last night's discussion with my parents was freeing and we need more of that. So, I keep tissues in my purse in case of emergency break-downs, but also in case of exciting feelings of hope and moving forward... just in a different direction. I'm hoping for the latter.
Peace, Love, Hope.
Anyway, I digress...
I mentioned in a previous journal entry that my sister is adopted. She's my big sis, and she wasn't a new addition to me, so I never really think about our genetic differences. She's my sister, full stop. I've never really known much about the hows and whys of her addition to our family, because she was adopted in the early 70s and my folks come from the generation who don't talk about certain subjects. In telling them what DH and I have been struggling with, they opened up and made me wish we'd talked to them sooner. Here's the scoop: My parents were told they wouldn't likely have children on their own. Until last night, I didn't know that they traveled a similar road as DH and I with specialists and treatments, (being what treatments were in the early 70s). So, they applied for adoption, and before they had submitted the last of the paperwork, they got a call saying there was a 5-week-old baby who was a match for them. (Boy, have things changed! The wait list now is more like 1-3 years IF you're chosen by the birthparents.) They brought her home and she was their first. And, I say this with no jealousy, she has a very special place in their hearts. Then, my parents had 3 more of us biologically and without treatments. Mom also had several miscarriages and poor health; it wasn't easy at all for her. So, when DH and I told them we are considering adoption, Mom got excited and Dad became practical, ('cause that's what he does). Mom has a hard time remembering what day it is sometimes, but she can remember details of my sister's adoption and childhood that put my dad's precise memory to shame. It was like I could hear her reliving her happiness in finally having her child. My dad had advice for us that we both really appreciate. What a fantastic support and resource to have - Why didn't we tell them sooner?! Oh, right, we weren't ready.
We didn't make this decision lightly. I still wish we could have a biological child; I don't know if that ever goes away. I guess we'll have to wait and see where the grieving leads. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: I just want a child. And short of stealing one, (and we all know that's a huge no-no!!), adoption has better odds for us. I don't think I've ever been so sure of something this big in our lives, other than of getting married. We've booked an appointment to meet with our chosen adoption agency so we can ask our remaining questions and prepare to start the process.
We'll be telling DH's parents soon, too. From there, I'm planning to open up to more friends and going public. Last night's discussion with my parents was freeing and we need more of that. So, I keep tissues in my purse in case of emergency break-downs, but also in case of exciting feelings of hope and moving forward... just in a different direction. I'm hoping for the latter.
Peace, Love, Hope.
Replies
This journal really made me smile. You are so brave to make this tough decision and to open up to your parents about it. You are going to be a fabulous mother. Can\'t wait to hear how the meeting with your agency goes!!
I\'m so incredibly happy for you! Congrats on opening up and on deciding on adoption. I wish you the best with telling DH\'s family, and for beginning your process. I look forward to hearing how everything goes along the way!