Coming back

It looks like I am going to be coming on here a lot more... This is the only place I have to put these thoughts down. I can't talk about my problems with food anywhere else. People worry, people ask questions, people discourage me. But here, people know what I'm going through. They read and pass it by which is something I really need right now.
For a few weeks I was doing good with the whole not eating thing. Only eating in front of people, and even then eating small portions. Then one day I came home from school and ate a can of soup. It was all down hill from there... I started eating all the time, especially things that were bad for me. And around Halloween with all the candy in my house... I don't know why, I just kept eating.
Last night I went to a charity dinner and ate until I was overly full. When I was there at the time I didn't care, but the second I got home all I thought was: I have to throw this up. This cannot stay in my body. But my mom stayed downstairs until friggin' 1 in the morning, so I slept on it. And when I woke up at 8 I could not move. I didn't go to class because I feel so disgusting. I still feel like I could throw up, but I know that nothing will come up.
Another reason I did not go to school was I had a dream about Sean. That I was with Sean, and that he was more like what I thought he was before I knew him than the person I know now. But in this dream I was skinny. I was happy. Things were okay. So upon waking  up, reality was at it's harshest. Reminding me, no. you're not what you want to be. you're stuck like this. frozen in a state of unhappiness.
So, today is a new day. I have new ambitions and more of a reason to starve. I hope this motivation does not waver until I get what I want and deserve. And I deserve to be happy, to be pretty.