come back to check in with not so great news
its been a while since ive been on here and a lifetime of events has befallen me. One my last time here i had some lovelysupportive conversations with members about my addiction, recovery and my marriage and what was to become of me and my Wife.
I am still in recovery and working the steps this time in Sexohlics anonymous. Im doing well and deal with it a day at a time. Im no longer pursuing my addiction.
but i struggle with lust - it is more complex because of the way i feel now.
In January I left my Father -in laws workplace(i abused PC's in work and disclosed this to him) and started a new job. so far so good. I felt positive about the move as it was something i earned for myself and myself esteem.
Myself and my wife sold our family home, we co-operated to clean and clear it and prepare it for sale. During this time we had (what i thought were fruitful and frank) discussions about my addiction the future etc. i seen glimpses of hope. I even received a text saying that she could not see the future without me in it - that somewhere down the line maybe we could go to counselling etc. but it would be alot of work
February we split bank accounts and conflict arose over Child maintenance. I moved from weekly to monthly pay and was not due my salary till feb 20. Cue some awful barrages of conflict that i was s'sick' money mad etc. I didn't know how much i could give until i got paid so i was very stubborn and belligerent saying ' i can only give what i can reasonably afford.' She also accused me of spending a weeks worth of her money after house sale and demanded repayment. Even though i was paid a weeks salary in january and went into arrears in my own mortgage to save us money - i was so upset to have this harassment over a very emotional time.
in the end i paid a good sum of money - in fact the 1st three months i had to borrow from my sister to get by the last week of each month.
March came - and the bomb was dropped. I got a text to say can we meet after work, my heart sank as i knew what was coming.
'Im getting a divorce' ' i dont see any future for us' 'i couldnt be with you after whats happened and i couldnt put our daughter through years of struggle and confict only to arrive at this pace again.
She told me it was costing her £1500
I was and am completely heartbroken. I pleaded and begged in a silly way against it and eventually stormed off.
I was served papers and realised that she was making me foot the bill £2000 - i was gobsmacked as im living hand to mouth - she was living rent free in her fathers property. I convinced through my own lawyer to have this dropped if i didn't contest.
She maintains she wants us to be friends for our daughters sake. I was and still am full of resentment towards her. Its the most confusing thing emotionally - i just want to tell her to go F**k herself but i cant as its wrong and i would regret every syllable.
Im a lambsey and patsy now - i feel empty and emasculated - my self esteem is totally shot.
What haunts me the most is the communication in January 'The Life together text' and then 1month or so later she pulls the plug. I have idea what caused such a decision so soon.
I can only guess - friends family and confidantes have played a part in her decision making
I am grieving and trying to work recovery. It is excruciatingly difficult
I am lonely and isolated - she texts and communicates regularly but its mainly our daughter and her needs.
Im jealous envious - shes moving on - bought a new house and seems to be flying her kite. Im still considered an addict - i struggle daily with anxiety and grief
I dont want to wallow in self pity - i want to move on - i also want to show her what she has given up - but that is the wrong attitude. Throughout all this she has never said she doesnt love me - i wish she had
I have received the decree Nicsi and its a matter of weeks before its final.
Annulment is next - She has regularly told me that the in civil law it was unreasonable bhaviour
In canon law (Catholic) the marriage is invalid. So i await the due process of this with dread
The reset button has been well and truly pushed - its like she is deleting the last 4years of marriage.
I am doing my best by my daughter - trying not to show any sign of sadness or fallibility. But at times i feel like im being harshly punished for something that should be so.
I have fantasies that shes doing this to start again with me in a few years - im deluding myself.
I dont feel that i could ever be with someone else and i i know she'll take first blood on that soon.
There is positivity too - im growing - growing through the pain - im learning things - learning to be me and deal with my emotions without resorting to sex addiction and porn to medicate and escape.
I sometimes think shes made a rush of things - and she never gave a chance - maybe she didnt want to... in which case i was strung along for all these months clinging to the hope.
I pray to god to help me see his path - for me
I pray for my ex-wifes happiness and peace and love in her life
I pray for my daughtrs wellbeing and for the strength to be a good Daddy despite the challenges ahead ( there will be many many more)
Sorry to rant on
God bless you all and i hope your all well
DK
I am still in recovery and working the steps this time in Sexohlics anonymous. Im doing well and deal with it a day at a time. Im no longer pursuing my addiction.
but i struggle with lust - it is more complex because of the way i feel now.
In January I left my Father -in laws workplace(i abused PC's in work and disclosed this to him) and started a new job. so far so good. I felt positive about the move as it was something i earned for myself and myself esteem.
Myself and my wife sold our family home, we co-operated to clean and clear it and prepare it for sale. During this time we had (what i thought were fruitful and frank) discussions about my addiction the future etc. i seen glimpses of hope. I even received a text saying that she could not see the future without me in it - that somewhere down the line maybe we could go to counselling etc. but it would be alot of work
February we split bank accounts and conflict arose over Child maintenance. I moved from weekly to monthly pay and was not due my salary till feb 20. Cue some awful barrages of conflict that i was s'sick' money mad etc. I didn't know how much i could give until i got paid so i was very stubborn and belligerent saying ' i can only give what i can reasonably afford.' She also accused me of spending a weeks worth of her money after house sale and demanded repayment. Even though i was paid a weeks salary in january and went into arrears in my own mortgage to save us money - i was so upset to have this harassment over a very emotional time.
in the end i paid a good sum of money - in fact the 1st three months i had to borrow from my sister to get by the last week of each month.
March came - and the bomb was dropped. I got a text to say can we meet after work, my heart sank as i knew what was coming.
'Im getting a divorce' ' i dont see any future for us' 'i couldnt be with you after whats happened and i couldnt put our daughter through years of struggle and confict only to arrive at this pace again.
She told me it was costing her £1500
I was and am completely heartbroken. I pleaded and begged in a silly way against it and eventually stormed off.
I was served papers and realised that she was making me foot the bill £2000 - i was gobsmacked as im living hand to mouth - she was living rent free in her fathers property. I convinced through my own lawyer to have this dropped if i didn't contest.
She maintains she wants us to be friends for our daughters sake. I was and still am full of resentment towards her. Its the most confusing thing emotionally - i just want to tell her to go F**k herself but i cant as its wrong and i would regret every syllable.
Im a lambsey and patsy now - i feel empty and emasculated - my self esteem is totally shot.
What haunts me the most is the communication in January 'The Life together text' and then 1month or so later she pulls the plug. I have idea what caused such a decision so soon.
I can only guess - friends family and confidantes have played a part in her decision making
I am grieving and trying to work recovery. It is excruciatingly difficult
I am lonely and isolated - she texts and communicates regularly but its mainly our daughter and her needs.
Im jealous envious - shes moving on - bought a new house and seems to be flying her kite. Im still considered an addict - i struggle daily with anxiety and grief
I dont want to wallow in self pity - i want to move on - i also want to show her what she has given up - but that is the wrong attitude. Throughout all this she has never said she doesnt love me - i wish she had
I have received the decree Nicsi and its a matter of weeks before its final.
Annulment is next - She has regularly told me that the in civil law it was unreasonable bhaviour
In canon law (Catholic) the marriage is invalid. So i await the due process of this with dread
The reset button has been well and truly pushed - its like she is deleting the last 4years of marriage.
I am doing my best by my daughter - trying not to show any sign of sadness or fallibility. But at times i feel like im being harshly punished for something that should be so.
I have fantasies that shes doing this to start again with me in a few years - im deluding myself.
I dont feel that i could ever be with someone else and i i know she'll take first blood on that soon.
There is positivity too - im growing - growing through the pain - im learning things - learning to be me and deal with my emotions without resorting to sex addiction and porn to medicate and escape.
I sometimes think shes made a rush of things - and she never gave a chance - maybe she didnt want to... in which case i was strung along for all these months clinging to the hope.
I pray to god to help me see his path - for me
I pray for my ex-wifes happiness and peace and love in her life
I pray for my daughtrs wellbeing and for the strength to be a good Daddy despite the challenges ahead ( there will be many many more)
Sorry to rant on
God bless you all and i hope your all well
DK
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