college year

It's my first college year, I am supposed to be happy get shit waisted every weekend, throw up with my friends holding my hair, making out with the first cute guy I see.
Reality: I have gone home every weekend except for two, my first year retreat and the 18th weekend where all I did was watch movies with "friends"
 I don't know if im still in shock of the death that recently happened. Or could it be that my family found out that our aunt also has lupus which means I will probably end up getting lupus.
or maybe Im mad at myself for having diabetes and I still can't lose wait. I have no interest or drive to get better because I can't believe that I am anything else besides being fat and ugly........
maybe its the loneliness of having a single dorm so I can just wallow in my own self pity without anyone noticing.
you see I want someone to talk to but I don't want to admit I need real help because let's face it!! admitting you need actual help is hard, it's like you admit deafeat to yourself. I have nothing to be screwed up about! im going to fucking college im suppoed to have the time of my life...!!!! But instead here I am, and I don't even know what am I doing
What am I supposed to do???? who am I supposed to be?? I forgot.... and I honestly don't feel like working back up again...