Collapse

I have never collapsed in Yan’s treatment or after her death, even if I was the sole caretaker. The closest moment came when the doctor told me that she had about two weeks to live. That morning a good friend Sister Hong and her husband came to hospital to visit Yan who could not speak but still conscious. They stayed about two hours or so. Before they left, I pull Sister Hong away outside the ward. I told her that I was fine as long as I stayed in hospital with Yan to care for her. Once I left her for a while, when she was not in my sight, I felt this enormous pain---I felt collapsing. If I did, I told her, she needed to step in. She said yes, but I never crashed.
Next Thursday July 23rd is the day of Yan’s ash placement. I have chosen a nice and quiet mountain cemetery in Hong Kong. Today I have decided to do the ritual alone by myself. Several friends have asked to come, but I declined. I started this whole thing with Yan alone and I would like to finish with her that way. I will get emotional. But collapse? No. I figure…. I have not crashed so far, I won’t collapse for anything life throws me.