Coffee Shop Blues-sorry so long

Today is Sunday and I was feeling cooped up in the house with my roomie that doesn't have a clue of what going on with me.  He was with someone for 16 yrs who had emotional problems and try as he might he couldn't fix her.  He wants to live in this oblivious world on the couch watching Scottish humor with no problems and people to fix and so I let him. Atleast someone can find some reprieve.   I am feeling very hopeless today and more as days go by.  Today I just wanted to find a bar and drink myself to a false happy oblivion just to not feel the way I am.  I cannot as hard as I try find any peace.  I am isolated and don't know any of these city folk.  I miss my familiar coffee shop and the calming waves of the ocean.  

I had a good cry this morning as I feel like like I just can't fight anymore or find any hope or happiness in even the little things anymore.  There is very little comfort anymore.  I decided that I would get another job.  So, instead of being at a bar, Im at a busy coffee shop attempting to put applications in for that second job.  I am among these 20 yo wipper snappers and wonder...where are all the other 40 somethings??  Oh, yeah....probably home with their spouses living the dream reminding me that I am not.  When I left my ex almost 2 yrs ago and went to the shelter, the only thing that saved me was working myself to death.  Yes...I realize it is a temporary remedy but it works for me.  Holidays are always real hard for me and I have no plans on going to California with roomie to see his friends at holiday time.  I am in no finanacial capacity to leave the situation I put myself in.  I had thought about continuing to pay my half the rent and just sleep in my car in different places just so I can start the process of detaching from the situation I am but since Im not quite that desperate yet, I thought Id start with the second job. I lived in my car for months before anyone relized I was and by that time it was talk of the entire company I worked for.   The only good friend I have to talk to sleeps during the day and works at night while I'm sleeping so we hardly touch base.  His situation isnt much better but its actually worse because he's married.  

I feel like I am stigmitized.  "Give that animal a tranquilizer so she doesn't mess up our perfect life".   People wander why my mind changes so much its because I'm off and on my meds.  I will take my meds for months and be quiet, sleepy and repressed.  If I decide I am better I will wean myself and become restless, emotional, scattered, and without peace.  The quiet repressesed medicated me lets people walk on her, focuses on her work- scared to death there won't be enough to keep my mind busy.  Either way, medicated or not, I am without peace.  What does one do in this situation?