Coffee & an update.
I am wiped out exhausted. Probably because it's about 3PM and I just woke up a half hour ago. No matter what I do I can't seem to get sleep until about 6AM. NOT FUN. Here is my update:
School finally contacted me last month (Or should I say CUNY) and informed me that my application was denied. I have to apply for Spring semester which means I start school in January. I knew this was a huge possibility but I secretly wished for a miracle just I hoped I would get due to my sudden positive attitude. Of course that didn't happen because my life is full of disappointments. I am trying to so hard to get out of this funk lately. Everywhere I turn I am constantly getting disappointed. I know all I have to do now is wait but why? Why is my life revolved around waiting? Everything I care about that will make me happy is not in reach and so far away. It's exhausting. School was my first issue but at least I have already applied and its a guarantee that I will attend Spring semester. So, I should be grateful for that, and I am..
My best friend moved to PA a few months ago. We have been friends for 13 years and I swear after the first two years all she does is move around. I hate it. Last year we had a really big issue and it killed me because she started ignoring me. At 25 I never imagined in my wildest dreams that a best friend would stop talking to me due to a rumor her boyfriend spread. (He was my ex when I was younger and apparently from what he says I tried to hit on him/sleep with him.) YEAH, OKAY! Well, long story short she believed his lies and started ignoring me. Eventually he moved in with her and her parents and she was finally able to see him for the scumbag he truly is. I knew this day would come and hoped that he didn't get her pregnant before then. During Hurricane Sandy we reached out to each other and finally started talking. (She was still with him) Eventually they broke up because she realized his story about that night kept changing and he made her choose between him and me. Thank GOD she realized the truth. I decided to let it go because she lived a sheltered life and never really had a serious boyfriend and I feel like she made a selfish choice because she wasn't sure if she would have the chance to be happy again. I forgave her because well, 13 years is a long time to throw away over some crazy boy. ANYWAYS. We became friends and started hanging out as much as we can and then they told me that they were moving to PA. I was devastated but happy for them because for once they were going somewhere they really wanted. They asked me to move with them. If only I didn't already apply for school. I contemplated moving but I knew it wasn't the right time. I promised myself I would at least have an associates and my license before I move anywhere. So, they left and I was left behind as always. I barely hear from her, and it kills me. She says she's depressed because she has no one there and she wishes I was there. I just wish she would call more often. Every time is another excuse as to why I don't hear from her. I hate it and I wish I had a real friend nearby to keep me sane, but I don't. I don't have anyone and it sucks.
The guy I've loved for about ten years now is getting out of the Army in three months. Any relationship I have ever been in he has always been the one I truly wanted. We fell in love at a young age and then months later he was gone. Throughout the last ten years I have seen him about five or six times. Every time is the same old story. He doesn't want to commit while he's in the army. It's too hard. Long distance never works. Yet, every time we see each other it's like we are kids again. We get so close, confess our love, then he runs. He even asked me to drop everything and come to Georgia to be with him, and I did. Just to take the train home heartbroken and confused. I think I will write a separate entry about my journey with him but for now I will stick to my fears. He is finally getting out. He always told me that as long as he is in the army we will never be able to see where this goes. Now, he's getting out and coming to NY to see him. I can't tell you how nervous I am. I haven't seen him in a very long time. I am not the same girl he once knew. I am not a size six anymore. I'm afraid he won't find me attractive. I'm afraid he won't like me. And my anxiety is so high and I am scared. This is my chance to see if after ten years what could be and I don't want to blow it with my insecurities. Maybe I am just scared that after all this time it won't go anywhere and I will feel as if I wasted all this time hoping for something that would never be. My mind is racing.
I really need to meet positive, good friends. I don't really hang out with anyone and the ones I do hang out with never want to do anything but drink. I have one good friend who used to live around the corner from me. We would have really long in depth conversations then he moved as well. We talk often through internet but whenever we hang out it's always a drinkfest. I long for new friends. I want friends that will go out to dinner with me, movies, sober things. People that will enjoy life with me without alcohol. Is that all I am worth? A drunken night? I cannot wait until school starts. I am counting on building new relationships with people who have goals. Real goals. Ambitions. Plans. I know I will meet new people and I pray that they are lasting friendships. I need this in my life right now. I need this emptiness to go away. I need my life full of positivity and happiness.
Other than that I am just trying to keep myself sane. Like I said this funk is really terrible. I can't sleep. I feel confused. I feel sad. I feel like I am empty inside. I am trying really hard to stay positive and look towards the future in hopes that things will change. I am just afraid that when I get there I will just be disappointed and I can't afford to be disappointed again. I want to believe that there is a light at the end of the this tunnel, I really do. I am tired of the darkness in my life.
I am promising myself today via DS that I will do everything in my power to stay positive until school starts. First order of business is to start taking my medicine again, and get through all these doctors appointments that I have been boycotting. I will talk to my specialist about my funks and see what is the best thing. I know my hormones are all out of whack because of the PCOS and I need to get that under control. I need to sleep. I need to rise above this sadness. I need to start eating better which I am slowly trying to change. I have decided to walk to my friend's house and work out while he is at work. Being alone helps me work out better. Finally, I will start writing again. Releasing these emotions rather than keeping them inside and letting them eat me alive.
I am going to try. All I hope is for success.
I have an apt at 4 so I need to leave. Update later!
School finally contacted me last month (Or should I say CUNY) and informed me that my application was denied. I have to apply for Spring semester which means I start school in January. I knew this was a huge possibility but I secretly wished for a miracle just I hoped I would get due to my sudden positive attitude. Of course that didn't happen because my life is full of disappointments. I am trying to so hard to get out of this funk lately. Everywhere I turn I am constantly getting disappointed. I know all I have to do now is wait but why? Why is my life revolved around waiting? Everything I care about that will make me happy is not in reach and so far away. It's exhausting. School was my first issue but at least I have already applied and its a guarantee that I will attend Spring semester. So, I should be grateful for that, and I am..
My best friend moved to PA a few months ago. We have been friends for 13 years and I swear after the first two years all she does is move around. I hate it. Last year we had a really big issue and it killed me because she started ignoring me. At 25 I never imagined in my wildest dreams that a best friend would stop talking to me due to a rumor her boyfriend spread. (He was my ex when I was younger and apparently from what he says I tried to hit on him/sleep with him.) YEAH, OKAY! Well, long story short she believed his lies and started ignoring me. Eventually he moved in with her and her parents and she was finally able to see him for the scumbag he truly is. I knew this day would come and hoped that he didn't get her pregnant before then. During Hurricane Sandy we reached out to each other and finally started talking. (She was still with him) Eventually they broke up because she realized his story about that night kept changing and he made her choose between him and me. Thank GOD she realized the truth. I decided to let it go because she lived a sheltered life and never really had a serious boyfriend and I feel like she made a selfish choice because she wasn't sure if she would have the chance to be happy again. I forgave her because well, 13 years is a long time to throw away over some crazy boy. ANYWAYS. We became friends and started hanging out as much as we can and then they told me that they were moving to PA. I was devastated but happy for them because for once they were going somewhere they really wanted. They asked me to move with them. If only I didn't already apply for school. I contemplated moving but I knew it wasn't the right time. I promised myself I would at least have an associates and my license before I move anywhere. So, they left and I was left behind as always. I barely hear from her, and it kills me. She says she's depressed because she has no one there and she wishes I was there. I just wish she would call more often. Every time is another excuse as to why I don't hear from her. I hate it and I wish I had a real friend nearby to keep me sane, but I don't. I don't have anyone and it sucks.
The guy I've loved for about ten years now is getting out of the Army in three months. Any relationship I have ever been in he has always been the one I truly wanted. We fell in love at a young age and then months later he was gone. Throughout the last ten years I have seen him about five or six times. Every time is the same old story. He doesn't want to commit while he's in the army. It's too hard. Long distance never works. Yet, every time we see each other it's like we are kids again. We get so close, confess our love, then he runs. He even asked me to drop everything and come to Georgia to be with him, and I did. Just to take the train home heartbroken and confused. I think I will write a separate entry about my journey with him but for now I will stick to my fears. He is finally getting out. He always told me that as long as he is in the army we will never be able to see where this goes. Now, he's getting out and coming to NY to see him. I can't tell you how nervous I am. I haven't seen him in a very long time. I am not the same girl he once knew. I am not a size six anymore. I'm afraid he won't find me attractive. I'm afraid he won't like me. And my anxiety is so high and I am scared. This is my chance to see if after ten years what could be and I don't want to blow it with my insecurities. Maybe I am just scared that after all this time it won't go anywhere and I will feel as if I wasted all this time hoping for something that would never be. My mind is racing.
I really need to meet positive, good friends. I don't really hang out with anyone and the ones I do hang out with never want to do anything but drink. I have one good friend who used to live around the corner from me. We would have really long in depth conversations then he moved as well. We talk often through internet but whenever we hang out it's always a drinkfest. I long for new friends. I want friends that will go out to dinner with me, movies, sober things. People that will enjoy life with me without alcohol. Is that all I am worth? A drunken night? I cannot wait until school starts. I am counting on building new relationships with people who have goals. Real goals. Ambitions. Plans. I know I will meet new people and I pray that they are lasting friendships. I need this in my life right now. I need this emptiness to go away. I need my life full of positivity and happiness.
Other than that I am just trying to keep myself sane. Like I said this funk is really terrible. I can't sleep. I feel confused. I feel sad. I feel like I am empty inside. I am trying really hard to stay positive and look towards the future in hopes that things will change. I am just afraid that when I get there I will just be disappointed and I can't afford to be disappointed again. I want to believe that there is a light at the end of the this tunnel, I really do. I am tired of the darkness in my life.
I am promising myself today via DS that I will do everything in my power to stay positive until school starts. First order of business is to start taking my medicine again, and get through all these doctors appointments that I have been boycotting. I will talk to my specialist about my funks and see what is the best thing. I know my hormones are all out of whack because of the PCOS and I need to get that under control. I need to sleep. I need to rise above this sadness. I need to start eating better which I am slowly trying to change. I have decided to walk to my friend's house and work out while he is at work. Being alone helps me work out better. Finally, I will start writing again. Releasing these emotions rather than keeping them inside and letting them eat me alive.
I am going to try. All I hope is for success.
I have an apt at 4 so I need to leave. Update later!
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